Hollywood Riot

In a stunning turn of evolution with wide-ranging implications for humans, whales are de-evolving back to their primitive, land-dwelling forms at a record pace.  Scientists studying Orcas off the coast of Alaska reported seeing several dozen killer whales repeatedly beach themselves, and then somehow manage to “hop” back to the sea.

“Imagine a 10 ton mudskipper with foot long canines,” explained one marine biologist, referencing the odd fish that can survive in and out of the water. “We got closer, and that’s when we saw their eyes, bloodshot red and focused right upon us, and a few of the boys kinda lost it. We had to turn back in a hurry.”

This frightening scene is not a solitary occurrence, either. Ichthyologists from Spain to Taipei are witnessing an array of strange whale behavior.

“We were about sixty miles out to sea, studying tuna, when a crewman spotted this small island with five enormous humps that seemed to be moving. They were obviously beached sperm whales, but as we got closer, all five plopped back into the ocean- just like fifty ton seals might do. The wave they produced nearly capsized us.”

"Orcas on Miami Beach: Only a matter of time?"

Puzzled as they are, scientists are determined to solve the mystery. One popular evolution expert, Dr. H. Munroberger, theorizes that the oceans have become too toxic a home for the marine mammals.

“40 million years ago, when the first whales evolved, the ocean made a lot of sense. It was clean and full of food. Predators were scarce if you grew really, really big and there was plenty of room for that to happen. But now, humans have trashed the oceans and eaten most of the tastiest fish. Sure, many whales eat plankton- or what I now call ‘plastikton’ because of the high concentration of plastic intertwined with the tiny creatures. That isn’t very good food. So, nature is taking the next best course by returning the whales, at least for short spurts, back to the land.”

Environmentalists are alarmed at the fact that entire stocks of seal, penguin, and walrus have all but disappeared from seasonal birthing grounds. Dr. Munroberger points to the whale’s rapid de-evolution as the culprit.

“Their bodies are going through enormous changes, and that must require a tremendous amount of energy. Coupled with the relatively easy access to tons and tons of blubber, it’s obvious that several whale species are adapting quite well to land, once again.”

What aspect of the sudden whale de-evolution has Munroberger most concerned?

“I want to know what happens when they run out of seal, and penguin, and walrus. Who do they come after next? Humans? I would think so. How far can they travel on land to reach us, their prey? They don’t have to go that far. Imagine Miami run over by killer whales. Aye carumba! doesn’t even come close to emphasizing that horror show.”

On the flipside, there are more than just meat eating whale species in the act of de-evolution. Munroberger describes gentle giant baleen whales as “man’s new best friend”. Why? The idea is that plankton eaters are making the evolutionary leap to consume small insects that live near water, like mosquitos. This could be a god-send to malaria stricken areas of the planet.

"Experts say whale pets may replace the dog."

The average humpback whale consumes 5,000 pounds of krill, tiny crustaceans, and plankton each day. Scientific mathematicians indicate they will have to consume 15,000 pounds of mosquito each day to get the necessary nourishment. That’s the same as a good sized bat colony, according to Dr. Munroberger.

"Jessica Biel will own prize-winning humps."

So, what’s the verdict? Will Orcas invade Manhattan and eat Wall Street financial gurus or will we find common ground with these rapidly changing wonders of nature?

“I believe the baleen whales will help wipe out malaria… but in the end that will only help the Orcas, sperm whale and even the narwhal. Mark my words, they are coming. All of them. No more malaria, no more sick people. Healhy meats, healthy treats,” Dr. Munroberger said, with a cocked smile. “We’re fucked.”

.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

It’s that time of the year again. Kids are out of school, the pool is slowly turning from green to blue, and your grill is heating up. Picnics and fairs and eating contests can mean only one thing – summer has arrived!

As there are hundreds of summer products out there, we decided to review a few of our most favorite new items. They’re sure to be hits at your seasonal soiree.

First up, let’s all sneeze at the Swine Flu by eating as much pork as possible. For quality pig meat, you gotta go with Chenedian Bacon. It’s extra salty, and jam packed with preservatives. Some experts might call all those additives “unhealthy,” but nobody secures your arteries better than the Chenedian brand. Chenedian Bacon: Not a single heart attack since 2001.

Next up is every kid’s dream treat: Fruit Roll Ups! With new flavors about to drop, this dehydrated delicacy will tingle the most jaded of tastebuds. And let’s not underestimate the power of Richard Simmons, who happily endorses fruit enlightenment everywhere.

And, of course, with all these delicious foods comes a downside: pests! Thankfully, we found something that will help eliminate uninvited guests to your picnic. Brought to you by America’s most annoying couple, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, these new ant traps capture the essence of “Speidi” and use their natural pheromones to lure the bugs to their death. Like a rotting carcass, even the stalwart cockroach can’t escape his fatal attraction to these two!

Stay tuned for Part 2 of the Summer Time Riot Round-Up!

.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Click here for an extra large version.

Created by Geoffrey and James Gardner.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Most people would be upset if they damaged or lost their iPod, but not local man Danny Deggard. The former Harvey’s Treats ice cream parlor manager was out for a stroll last Wednesday afternoon, listening to music from a 7-month-old iPod Touch device located in the back pocket of his jeans, when Danny felt the gadget heat up.

“The friggin’ thing caught my ass on fire,” said Mr. Deggard.

A recreation of that fateful day.

As soon as Danny realized the iPod was ablaze, he pulled it from his pocket and subsequently scorched his hands.

“It was just like pulling a cookie sheet out of the oven without a mitt,” Mr. Deggard said, as he raised his palms to show us his horrible scarring.

When he tried to pat his hands out on his pants, the cheap polyurethane fibers lit up as well. Luckily, local woman Emily Stantson was out jogging and witnessed the iPod incident. She quickly poured the contents of her water bottle on Mr. Deggard and the fire was soon contained.

“Well, Danny looked just like one of those dried Christmas trees you see people using for bonfires,” said Ms. Stantson. “Except he was screaming obscenities and rolling around in the gutter.”

Adding insult to injury, a pant-less, soaking wet and burnt Mr. Deggard had to wait 25 minutes in front of gawking neighbors before an ambulance arrived.

“I didn’t have any change for laundry so I was wearing my stand-by briefs, which are really tight. They leave nothing to the imagination,” he added.

One might understand if this horror story sent Danny into a tailspin of depression, but that would be the furthest thing from the truth. It has since been determined that the iPod had a faulty battery which caused the device to explode. Mr. Deggard, who gets by on unemployment benefits, is now suing iPod manufacturer, Apple, for an estimated $3 million.

“I guess good things do come to those who wait,” added Danny, who has had no luck in finding a new job. “I bought the iPod when I had some cash, but never thought it would turn out to be the best investment I ever made. Suck it, Wall Street!”

.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot