Hollywood Riot

I have a feeling that the phrase tire gauges is going to become synonymous with desperate move in politics and society. 

Imagine the Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield match from years ago. And the ear thing. Total fucking tire gauge on Tyson’s part. 

Talk about seeming out of touch with your base. Every redneck Country Republican knows that proper tire pressure is key to their Chevy’s survival. Apparently the suave City Republicans with their Lincoln Town Cars and well-groomed drivers forgot that little fact while belittling Barack Obama’s suggestion to keep “your PSI perfect!” (not an actual Barack Obama quote).

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It’s no secret that many of New Zealand’s native animal species are unique to the area. Take Hobbits for example. Or their archenemy, the Orc. Being isolated for millions of years will do that to an ecosystem. Apparently, whatever causes this drive to be “different” is imbued in the land. New Zealand parents are bestowing their babies with such ridiculous names that Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Cold Play, are thinking of sending their girl to preschool there. You see, her birth name is Apple iPod Paltrow-Play, which helps her stand out amongst all the other world famous five-year-olds in her class. Sorry sweetie, but England only has room for one fruit and his name is Boy George… which is still a more respectable title than many newborns get stuck with. Back in the day, Frank Zappa got away with naming his daughter Moon Unit. Everybody laughed. Nobody thought the sick joke would actually catch on, let alone become fashionable.

However, New Zealand is finally taking a stand against a few extremely inhumane names. This past week, a sane NZ judge declared that nine-year-old schoolgirl Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii will no longer have to suffer through life with such a nonsensical moniker. She had to become a ward of the court and is evidently battling her idiot/free-spirited parents for emancipation. They might think of their child as a cosmic plaything, but in reality she faced ridicule and shame because of their thoughtless decision. Yet, let’s play devil’s advocate and say they put lots of thought into her name - I wonder if she was conceived in Hawaii? During a hula dance-off? Maybe the couple won the dance-off and realized they loved each other. Then the Father slugged Biff and the Mother couldn’t resist the temptation of unsafe sex in the janitor’s break room. You know, a real “Under the Sea” moment. If true, that’s some pivotal history that Talula never considered. Man, she’s a buzz kill.

In the end, the court honored Talula’s request. But wrap your head around the following names that the New Zealand courts have, in the past, permitted:

Real Name: Midnight Chardonnay
Meaning: A slinky seductress; fast woman.

The inspiration for this child’s name is derived from the type of vino her ‘rents were sluggin’ before they got down to business. All in all, a less-than-classy nod to that magical evening of box wine, Dirty Jenga, and drunken procreation. They might as well have named their kid Whore Juice, as that’s a synonym for Midnight Chardonnay and also a proper description of what it does to women. The only people who drink this stuff are prostitutes and gypsies. Go Mom!

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Real Name: Number 16 Bus Shelter
Meaning: Nothing worthwhile was ever created at a bus shelter.

Destined to be one of the Top Ten biggest losers on Earth, this young one will never forget his roots - or ever be able to escape them. Yes, Number 16, your Mom & Dad made you while waiting for the 2AM Express to Wellington. Yet, instead of honoring you with a (relatively) cool name like Express, Greyhound, or even Double Decker… they chose to immortalize the filthy bench and slab of concrete which provided a stable-enough-for-intercourse gateway to your existence.

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Real Name: Violence
Meaning: Watch out for this motherfucker.

While, in some respects, Violence is the most convenient name of the bunch - it’s also the most terrifying. This kid’s parents might be hoping he rebels against the label, and grows up with better control of his emotional range than most. Unfortunately, they are dead wrong. Instead of running from his name, Violence will embrace it. Accept it. Be it. Why not? It’s intimidating. By the age of 12, he’ll be the most feared Assistant Manager that Arby’s has ever seen. If the name tag isn’t proof enough, his bloody knuckles sure will be. That’s Mister Violence to you.

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It seems we humans have a natural tendency to name everything. It’s order, it’s shared knowledge - names identify people, places, and things. Parents have the power to identify their child to the world this way. Some choose names based on their root meaning - strength, hope, or in my case: ‘bringer of peace’. It’s a big responsibility, so choose wisely.

And whatever you do, don’t decide your baby’s name by throwing darts at the Classifieds. We don’t need another Five Hundred Dollars Or Best Offer running around, getting kidnapped every few hours.

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What’s got six legs, spots, and “Sign of the Apocalypse” written all over it? This damned fawn.

Veterinarians agree that the fawn is not shitting out another fawn, despite that being exactly what this looks like. No, no, there’s a much more scientific explanation behind it: Jesus is soon to reappear on Earth. Hot magma will pour from every kitchen faucet in America. Bats will grow to ten times their normal size, becoming man-like crime fighters in the process. The Mexican Taco will go extinct, and along with it the chihuahua. Dick Cheney will retreat to the newly constructed Halliburton Moon Base 1, leaving behind his wife to be devoured by bears that he had previously purchased for that same purpose.

Make no mistake. This six-legged fawn… this Bambi-X… this mutant deer from Hell. It’s only the beginning.

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What’s that noise I hear? Is that Katie Holmes kicking herself really, really hard for choosing “Mad Money” over “The Dark Knight”? Yep, it’s gotta be.

The Queen of Bad Decisions, Katie Holmes woke up this morning to the news of a $155.4 million record-smashing weekend for The Dark Knight - the movie she “was just too busy to do.” Meanwhile, the ever-more-talented and savvy Maggie Gyllennhaal, who replaced Holmes in The Dark Knight as Rachel Dawes, woke up this morning with a golden perma-smile etched upon her face.

Ah well, Katie, what can you do? Who knew the 2nd Batman, what with Christian Bale, the late Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman and Michael Caine would make any money? I mean, when does anybody go see superhero movies these days? Nobody likes that type of thing, right? Look on the bright side, at least you have that guest spot coming up on Eli Stone or whatever. Cha-ching! Oh and that overpriced Broadway musical nobody’s buying tickets for. You’ve always got that.

Just because it’s fun, let’s make a list of all the terrible decisions Katie Holmes has made to date, shall we? If you look closely, you’ll see they all seem to stem from bad decision #1…

1. Marrying Tom “He Brings the Crazy” Cruise. There are so many things wrong with this decision, most notably, EVERYTHING. Katie, he’s a Scientologist! You don’t marry those guys - they believe your body is infested with dead space aliens from 75 million years ago!

2. (Because it’s worth repeating) Turning down a role in the biggest movie of all time. I hate to break it to you, Katie “Bad Call” Holmes, but Queen Latifah is no Heath Ledger. Batman Begins was your most successful movie ever - and you turned down the sequel?

3. Taking Scientology-sanctioned “vitamin bombs” (toxic-level doses of vitamins like niacin) to rid herself of “body thetans” (aka 75 million year old space alien spirits). Her hands turned purple from all the bombs for Christ’s sake! PURPLE - as in not the usual color of hands.

4. This haircut.

5. Letting Poppa Cruise use his own personal sonogram machine on her baby bump daily while pregnant. We’ve yet to see the damage this may have caused Suri, aka Little Xenu, but we’re sure it will surface eventually. Has she a tail perhaps?

6. Idolizing Victoria Beckham. Why so serious, crew-cut Kate? The only thing you should try and emulate in Posh Spice is her taste in men. Not the hairdos, not the refusal to eat, certainly not the constant stone-cold expressions.

7. Firing her longtime manager and allowing a Scientology handler to follow her around and ensure she doesn’t slip up. I’m sorry, but love is blind only up to a point. The last time anyone tried to “handle” me, they got two tickets to the gun show and a knuckle sandwich.

How ’bout a towel with that brainwash, Kate?

p.s. 155.4 million in 3 days.

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If I was going to see The Dark Knight premiere later tonight, which I am not, the first thing I notice when I get into line is how cool everybody is. That means I am cool, by proxy. They smell great, too. I feel good as a pay $122 for a large popcorn and a small box of Nerds. Three other stoned movie patrons in line agree with my choice of Nerds and they each buy a small box, too. Thankfully, my new Nerd “friends” and I find the correct number of seats right in the middle of the theater - rock star parking! Once again I notice how, even at 2:45AM, this Batman-infused audience is downright suave.

Sexy. All of us.

The lights go down. I feel those familiar goosebumps running up my arm. My limbs are excited. All nine of them. A woman behind us says “I hear Heath Ledger is amazing.” I quickly turn and look back at her, Nerds flying everywhere, and shout “Lady, you have no idea!”

The Joker has his grip on me already. My friends cheer. Somebody hands me a nacho.

And for the next two hours, and probably for the rest of my natural life (and I say ‘natural life’ because after seeing this film I now believe in an almighty God and the heaven above, it’s just that good), I will never look at another movie the same way.

Hollywood Riot’s Never Before Seen Pre-Review of The Dark Knight gives it the much-coveted Best Film of the Century platinum statuette. If that doesn’t call for IMAX, nothing does and that company is doomed. You won’t be disappointed. I sure won’t be! Whenever I go.

Probably some point next week. Who knows, I still haven’t seen Hancock. I heard it was a’ight.

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