Hollywood Riot

We can’t change history (yet), so let’s stop worrying about the mistakes our idiot ancestors made. We’re moving on. In honor of the late Arthur C. Clarke, let us turn our gaze to future prospects of mankind. Where will we go? Who will we meet? Here are a few predictions.

The Future of Mankind …

• In the year 2030, a psychic on Robertson Blvd. will make mental contact with an evil alien being several million light years away. The fortune teller will learn all of the universe’s great secrets from the alien, which includes a succulent recipe for sweet rolls. He becomes the richest man in the world, as the Earth’s youth becomes grossly overweight. At last, he is arrested for shooting a “Thank You” rocket to the alien … full of plump and tasty schoolchildren.
  
• World War VI will feature less death than previous World Wars, but will be more expensive due to Robot Hitler’s lengthy contract negotiations.
• In the year 3000, Baby Jessica will return to the Well and attempt to destroy it with her Army of Light. Unfortunately, the Well wins again.
  
• The Great Thorny Pole of Toledo is completed in 2175, fulfilling an arcane and greatly misunderstood promise of Ohio’s mentally ill founding fathers.
• Mankind will visit a distant planet in the year 2305. As planned, we will leave Carrot Top behind.
  

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

We feel bad enough for kids these days. Never-ending war, crappy economy, metal detectors at school … now, America’s youth faces an even bleaker future. With the advent of an Orwellian tracking system, teenagedom’s one saving grace is in jeopardy: the fake ID. The kids need their fake IDs. As it stands now, hundreds of them will taste a bullet before a beer.

The Dept. of Homeland Security’s “Real ID” plan goes like this: state taxpayers shell out a small fortune to adopt a new driver’s license replete with all kinds of sweet security features that guarantee no underage terrorist will ever, ever, ever be able to buy a bottle of grape pucker at 7-11 again. Please understand, these radicals strive for federal compliance in all avenues of life. They would never think of living here, secretly, without a Real ID, so this plan will definitely work. Of course, no one over the age of 50 will be issued one of these Real ID’s right away because mature people don’t play Jihad.

Not all states are blindly following suit. Montana, South Carolina, California, and New Hampshire have either ruled out the Real ID completely or given vague assurances but no promises. They argue that it’s too expensive and doesn’t make us any safer - this is a Bush administration plan? - but the DHS doesn’t really care. If states fail to apply for an extension on adopting the Real ID by the end of March, the citizens in said state might not be able to leave their belligerent homes at all. Get a load of this asshole:

“Their residents no longer can use a driver’s licenses as valid identification to board airplanes or enter federal buildings beginning in May, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has warned. They would have to present a passport or be subjected to secondary screening.”

Welcome to your democrazy.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

So here we are in a recession. Not sure if it’s the billions of dollars we’ve been throwing at fictional WMD’s for five years or what, but our economy has definitely seen better days (like when Clinton was president). Whatever, the point is that times are tough. And when the going gets tough, the poor get going… to McDonalds.

Well, everyone except Ronald, of course. He’s gettin’ fat and happy off the “99 cent recession menu”. But don’t think he’s ordering off it. “No way, that shit is nasty,” he said as he was spotted walking out of the Whole Foods in Sacramento. He then added, “The recession? I’m lovin’ it.”

While America spirals into a bottomless pit of despair, fast food is playing the hero. 99 cents is all the guy who just lost his house, car, and job can afford to pay for a meal. Especially now that he has to sell pints of blood to buy booze. A Big Mac for a buck sounds like a blessing from above. Might as well put a cape on it and call it Super Mac.

But while that poor chump eats Grade F sizzler and mystery fish from the bargain barge, little does he know it’s only contributing to his woes. By now, he probably doesn’t even care that he just gained 12 pounds from eating one sandwich and that, in addition to being homeless and broke, he’s also overdosing on trans fat.

Knowing full well that you are what you eat, how does ol’ Ronny boy sleep at night knowing he’s clogging arteries and busting pant seams the world over? Doesn’t he even care a little bit?
No, he doesn’t. Because he eats free-range, organic steak from Whole Foods. He feels freakin’ great.

“Somebody’s got to feed those hopeless people,” Call-me-Ron said when asked about his customers. “Might as well be me. Hardy har, kids! Dad’s broke — have a Happy Meal!”

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

There’s no longer any point in arguing that the earth’s ecosystems are changing. From well-documented glacial melts to vast swaths of dead coral reef, we can see the damage firsthand. The impact on humanity is only just beginning to be felt. More people will lose their homes, and their lives. Famine and disease will spread like wildfire. Wildfires will spread like super pissed off wildfires. Yet, those awful thoughts are not what keeps us up at night. No, no, there is something far worse to fear out of all this climate change. Something … gooey.

From the seas of Japan to the Mediterranean coast to Northern Ireland, invasions of brainless, spineless, giant plankton are causing massive problems with shipping, tourism, and fishing. Normally, these gelatinous nuisances are gobbled up by swordfish, sea turtles, and pretty much every other creature currently chillin’ on the brink of extinction thanks to us. To compound the issue, we humans also like to eat sardines and herring (for some reason), which happen to be the main food competitors of jellyfish. Essentially, we’ve paved the way for a lavish Jellyfish Spring Break that involves more ingesting and procreating than the last fifty years of Daytona Beach shenanigans combined. That’s great news for the jellyfish, who would undoubtedly celebrate if they had any sort of control over their own body whatsoever. Unfortunately, for us, the party is over. The experts on this sort of thing predict that jellyfish, already a popular snack in the Far East, will replace normal fish as our least favorite dinner of the week.

They may look revolting, smell disgusting, taste like ass, and cause excruciating pain upon contact, but jellies can’t be all bad. In the spirit of looking on the bright side, here are a few positives that will likely emerge from our new jellyfish-based food pyramid.

1. No more sharp utensils.
   Imagine! We will transform back to peaceful spoon and bowl types, sharing our abundant stores of canned … whatever this is … with loved ones each Thanksgiving. Family knife fights will be a thing of the past as we all scoop in to a heaping helping of Blue Bottle pie and forgive our grievances.
2. Decline in shark attacks.
   Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water will lose all meaning as a classic movie tagline because nobody will think it’s safe to go back in the water, ever. I mean, just look at all those effing jellyfish.
3. Jellyfish Day.
   The candy and card makers will introduce a brand new holiday to ease our transition into this new jellyfish way of life. St. Jelly Belly, who magically comes up through your bathtub drain, will hide jellyfish-flavored treats in everyone’s shoes. Children draw St. Jelly Belly’s picture and then vote for the best one. In the end, all kids are rewarded with the same protein-rich prize: jellyfish custard.
4. Cure for cancer.
   Hey, it’s gotta be somewhere, right? Let’s face it, the rainforests aren’t giving up shit. We recommend second helpings of your favorite scyphozoan to help ward off disease, old age, and most definitely your appetite.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Thanks to pharmaceutical companies and water treatment plant slackers, we’re all getting our drugs OTF (outta the faucet) now. Forget pesky visits to the doctor, little things called “prescriptions”, and OTC (over the counter) meds. Now you can get your drugs (and everyone else’s) for free!

That’s right, kids, you don’t have to steal from mom’s medicine cabinet anymore… just drink a tall glass of water and take your chances. It’s like Russian drug roulette — ya never know what you’re gonna get OTF. Could be anti-convulsant medication or antibiotics (boring!), but maybe, just maybe, you’ll get some amphetamine residual or a double dose of Oxycontin.

CNN has yet to report whether or not the really fun drugs, like LSD and cocaine, are OTF. But if Xanax and Valium are coming to you via your neighbor’s toilet, then the hard stuff probably is, too. Especially if your neighbors like to party. If you happen to live near Steve-O, Amy Winehouse, or Britney Spears, you’re probably overdosing on numerous substances right now.

Water… the pharm party you can drink!

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot