Hollywood Riot

There’s no longer any point in arguing that the earth’s ecosystems are changing. From well-documented glacial melts to vast swaths of dead coral reef, we can see the damage firsthand. The impact on humanity is only just beginning to be felt. More people will lose their homes, and their lives. Famine and disease will spread like wildfire. Wildfires will spread like super pissed off wildfires. Yet, those awful thoughts are not what keeps us up at night. No, no, there is something far worse to fear out of all this climate change. Something … gooey.

From the seas of Japan to the Mediterranean coast to Northern Ireland, invasions of brainless, spineless, giant plankton are causing massive problems with shipping, tourism, and fishing. Normally, these gelatinous nuisances are gobbled up by swordfish, sea turtles, and pretty much every other creature currently chillin’ on the brink of extinction thanks to us. To compound the issue, we humans also like to eat sardines and herring (for some reason), which happen to be the main food competitors of jellyfish. Essentially, we’ve paved the way for a lavish Jellyfish Spring Break that involves more ingesting and procreating than the last fifty years of Daytona Beach shenanigans combined. That’s great news for the jellyfish, who would undoubtedly celebrate if they had any sort of control over their own body whatsoever. Unfortunately, for us, the party is over. The experts on this sort of thing predict that jellyfish, already a popular snack in the Far East, will replace normal fish as our least favorite dinner of the week.

They may look revolting, smell disgusting, taste like ass, and cause excruciating pain upon contact, but jellies can’t be all bad. In the spirit of looking on the bright side, here are a few positives that will likely emerge from our new jellyfish-based food pyramid.

1. No more sharp utensils.
   Imagine! We will transform back to peaceful spoon and bowl types, sharing our abundant stores of canned … whatever this is … with loved ones each Thanksgiving. Family knife fights will be a thing of the past as we all scoop in to a heaping helping of Blue Bottle pie and forgive our grievances.
2. Decline in shark attacks.
   Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water will lose all meaning as a classic movie tagline because nobody will think it’s safe to go back in the water, ever. I mean, just look at all those effing jellyfish.
3. Jellyfish Day.
   The candy and card makers will introduce a brand new holiday to ease our transition into this new jellyfish way of life. St. Jelly Belly, who magically comes up through your bathtub drain, will hide jellyfish-flavored treats in everyone’s shoes. Children draw St. Jelly Belly’s picture and then vote for the best one. In the end, all kids are rewarded with the same protein-rich prize: jellyfish custard.
4. Cure for cancer.
   Hey, it’s gotta be somewhere, right? Let’s face it, the rainforests aren’t giving up shit. We recommend second helpings of your favorite scyphozoan to help ward off disease, old age, and most definitely your appetite.

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