Hollywood Riot

This election seems never-ending. H.R. “Pufnstuf” Clinton continues to drain our collective souls with her refusal to let Blah-rack Obama take on Old Man McCain for the Presidency. We’re tired of hearing about racist preachers and the “good ol’ days” with Bubba. Chelsea Clinton looks like a wet poodle being dragged through the mud by her oblivious owners. Bill obviously made some big promises to her back in the Lewinsky days in order to get out of the dog house, but it’s just not panning out. Hillary seems damn determined to be President though. She wants it so badly! We appreciate that, so we’re not going to turn our backs on her.

America is in trouble. While Obama isn’t perfect, he is apparently the people’s choice. Let him race, Hill. Old Man McCain is napping on the porch while y’all duke it out, resting his weary bones between rounds of Ensure. Don’t you realize the power he gains from consuming that nutrient-rich formula? It is terrifying stuff.

Hillary compares herself to Rocky (who was, by the way, defeated by the black guy), but heavyweight boxing might not suit her too well. We believe the following professions are more up her alley.

• Night Manager at Wendy’s

  Bill might stop cheating if he’s getting his Double Stacks at home.
  

• Hot Air Balloonist

  Who needs propane when Hill’s around? Just ask her about NAFTA or Bosnia and WHHOOOOSSSHHH! off you go.
  

• Zookeeper

  At least the elephants at the zoo won’t roll out “vast right-wing conspiracies” against her. And look, we even found evidence of her experience in the field (picture circa 1972). Yes, Hillary, we’d call you at 3AM if our pachyderm needed an enema.
  

• First Lady

  We wouldn’t put it past her. Watch your back, Michelle O.!
  

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