Hollywood Riot

Because he had so many more important things to do, like giving Cheney botox or wiping that slimey grin off W’s face, Secretary of the Interior Dirk Something-or-Other didn’t even bother to show up for an important hearing about the life-and-death situation polar bears are facing in the Arctic. Why? Because there’s oil up there and Bush wants it.

What an oily bastard.

Kanye West had this to say, “George Bush doesn’t care about polar bears.”

Placing the bears on the endangered species list WHERE THEY BELONG would also put Bush’s oil plans for the area on the endangered species list. You don’t think he’s gonna let that happen do ya? Freedom isn’t free, people. Freedom costs polar bears! And Iraqi civilians! And lots of lies!

It’d be a lot quicker and less painful for everyone involved if Bush and Cheney would just drive up to the Arctic and shoot the polar bears themselves. Then they could stop farting around with excuses like “polar bears have joined the Axis of Evil” and “we heard polar bears don’t even like ice.”

Ever the investigative journalists, Hollywood Riot was able to tap the presidential phone line the day before the meeting. You won’t believe what we overheard:

Dirk: Do I really have to go to that boring hearing? I have a sixer of Bud in the fridge and a hooker on the way.

W: What hearing? I thought your hearing was fine.

Dirk: No, no, my hearing is fine. This hearing’s about those damn polar bears.

W: What’s wrong with their hearing?

Dirk: It’s not about their hearing, ol’ boy. A bunch of hippies want us to put them on the endangered species list and “protect their habitat” or something like that. The whole things stinks of patchouli.

W: Well, do they have WMD’s?

Dirk: WMD’s?? They’re polar bears. Of course they don’t have WMD’s.

W: Well who cares if it’s “true”. They’re controlling our oil. They must have WMD’s!

Dirk: I don’t know if the people are going to buy that WMD farce again.

W: Blah, blah, blah… I don’t even get what you’re saying to me right now. Why ya always gotta use such big words? Dang, Dirk. Just get ‘er done. I want that oil. Find those WMD’s! Muahahaha!