Hollywood Riot

According to the only guy at the International Maritime Bureau with a cool job, global pirate attacks rose 10 percent last year. Considering the financial success of Disney’s Pirates series, the cult-like following of The Goonies, and an overall return to all things swash-buckling, we aren’t that surprised. Sure looks like fun, right? With so many young men picking up a Johnny Depp swagger, it’s only natural that they would do what pirates have always done: congregate in one defenseless area and wreak unholy hell on that cursed locale until driven away. The big winner at the moment? Somalia! Yes, after years of civil unrest, death, violence, and many millions of other atrocities, this poor African nation now has to play the role of that gay British Navy officer and watch helplessly as Captain Jack’s merry minions jaunt up and down the coast, pillaging at their pleasure.

Around 10 pirates of various denomination stormed the 288-foot Le Ponant yacht recently and the French government is still negotiating for release of the ship’s crew at the time of this writing. All reports indicate the captured crew is in fine spirits, enjoying meals prepared by the bandits themselves. Has pirating really come to this? Holding a gangly bunch of Carnival Cruise rejects hostage, under threat of lukewarm soup? Not to mention the fact that the French “we have to do everything to avoid bloodshed” government is handling this. Call me old fashioned, but in my day you never negotiated with a pirate. If a raiding party were to overtake your vessel, then your gig was up. That was it. Plank time, bitches. The long walk off a short dock. Fuckin’ fish food. Pirates were hardcore and you did not want your ship to be boarded. Ever. It equaled death, or worse.

And the pirate crew? Forget about them, too. One-Eyed Willie hid his ship in an underground cave and then killed every single one of his own men. Why? Why the hell not? He was a pirate! They’re supposed to do irrational things. That’s why we don’t feel bad about hunting them down.

Nowadays, these “civilized” sea dogs seem to have unionized their trade. “Local 497 handles the major cruise lines, while Local 352 keeps their focus primarily on private yachts and wealthy family pontoons.” said one world renowned Somali pirate. “Both unions offer a 401K plan. Full dental and all that, you know, the standard of pirating life is really on the rise. This is because we always capture the French ships. That seems to be the key. Those assholes pay up quick… and in Euros.”

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot