Hollywood Riot

Yahoo, Microsoft, AOL, Google, News Corp…. huge corporations that rule most of our (internet) world are currently overwhelming my brain with this back and forth business of buying and selling and ads and click through rates and… that’s the point when my brain clicks through to fantasy world, where thoughts don’t hurt as much. Reading of these corporate giants and their strange adventures makes me think of the Greek Gods atop Mt. Olympus. They all seem to be using each other as pawns in complicated power struggles, lusty love triangles, and bitter rivalries. We mere mortals are feeling the effects in terms of job insecurity, loss of sleep, increase in stress, heart palpitations, sweaty feet etc. Mergers and acquisitions can be scary ordeals. Not to mention fucking confusing.

Of course, a few benefits will also emerge from all this… merging. (Probably a vast array of new widgets.) Thusly, I don’t want to look down on the corporate Gods and their dealings. Rather, I’ll keep looking up at them just long enough to finish this analogy.

Say Google is Zeus, gladly playing along with his lesser Gods’ follies. Let’s just call him Zoogle. He isn’t invincible, but he pretty much gets whatever he wants. Right now, he’s having a good time with Yahoo.

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Yahoo is Aphrodite- the femme fatale. We’ll call this hot piece of asset Yaphroodite. Everyone wants her. She’s letting Zoogle shack up with her every other night or so, just to piss Microsoft off. Then she gets AOL to drive her around and do daytime boyfriend crap with her, like going to play putt putt or eating frozen yogurt. This further maddens Microsoft. Yaphroodite’s methods are conniving!

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AOL will either be the heroic human in this myth, or the tragic figure. His name can be Argyros Othello Luigi, but he’s pretty much Jason from Argonauts fame. A strong willed competitive drinker and local woodsman- he is getting lured on by the promise of a Yaphroodite Goddess love fest, but he’ll more than likely wind up with a third foot or forced to hold a huge boulder forever or some other sadist Greek God punishment. In other words, peace out Argyros.

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Microsoft is Mars. I know Mars is technically a Roman God, but he is way cooler than the Greek version, Ares. Micromarsoft is experienced, stable, and sexy in that “I’m an asshole and I know it” kind of way. Like Reggie from the Archie Comics. Hmm, maybe the Archie Comics characters would have served this metaphor better. Anyway, Micromarsoft wants Yaphroodite badly. Despite her playing hard to get, she secretly desires him, too. And you know what? With a little help from the Underworld, these two assholes might actually end up together.

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Enter Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp as Hades. You see, Hades Corp is willing to help Micromarsoft out, for a lofty price. A Hades Corp/Micromarsoft alliance would be powerful enough to overthrow the mighty Zoogle. Yes, I believe a deep-bellowed “Mwa ha ha” is in order. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

In short, I’ll be keeping an eye on the results of this God competition closely. Who would you like to see triumph?