Hollywood Riot

Make no mistake. Free citizens of the world are losing a war and we don’t even realize it. Obviously, that means I’m not talking about the war in Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or the one on Drugs. We hear enough about those three lost causes. I’m talking about our battle with a heartless, soulless, gutless enemy that is incapable of compassionate reason (although they still have a better human rights record than the Chinese.) Even the simple pleasures of an English breakfast are beyond the comprehensive powers of this enemy. I’m talking about WWWW, baby. The World Wide Web War. Humans and robots, eyes to sight receptacles, struggling for planetary domination. That is one stark vision of the future that seems dangerously close to coming true.

It all begins innocently enough. These bastards (pictured above) have been floating around for years. They’re called CAPTCHA’s, which stands for Completely Automated Turing Test To Tell Computers and Humans Apart. Not sure where the team that assembled this acronym of evil got that extra P from, or why they forgot to add the other three T’s, but mistakes like that indicate only one thing: a human presence. Still, why did people feel the need to create a defensive measure against robots? Isn’t it wrong to profile them through these methods? It almost seems like we are… frightened. We should be. There are more “bots” on the internet than there are “users,” which is why annoying safeguards like the CAPTCHA system are necessary.

The robot majority are tenacious metadata gleaners. Metadata, the source of all human power on the internet, is what these robots crave. They methodically scan our emails and websites, plucking information and storing it away. While we sleep, they gather and compile and spider out in every direction. For what nefarious purpose? Some claim these trolling bots are selling the information to advertisers and the such. What would a robot need money for, you ask? That’s the problem. NOBODY KNOWS.

Until now.

Meet RepRap, the Self-Replicating 3D Printing Robot of the Future.

I theorize that these internet bots are actually investing in real-life robots like RepRap. This gizmo is a 3D printer that, according to Slashdot, can even replicate itself! The technical workings of a 3D printer are simple enough for a child to master. A user can instruct RepRap to recreate (from one’s own computer model) a small object via various layering and gluing techniques. Wow, layering and gluing. Why would we need robots for that? Well, think of the last time you glued anything together. Kindergarten? How’d that masterpiece turn out? Don’t feel bad, RepRap has never been held back by substandard public education arts programs. His robot speed and accuracy comes naturally- so just imagine if when Mr. Perfect starts replicating himself exponentially (like all the Sci-Fi books predict.) Unlike the crappy “Thanksgiving 1986″ paper-mâché turkey you mangled together, the RepRap makes things Mommy and Daddy might actually have a need for…. such as liquid-tight martini glasses and polybicarbonate whiskey shooters. In the end, parents will gladly turn their schoolchildren in for a chance to raise and love a real gluing and layering powerhouse. Make no mistake….

The War of the World Wide Web starts with a CAPTCHA and ends with total annihilation.

(On a side note: Turns out, the RepRap can create anything that the Chinese specialize in, which means we can start producing our own fake novelty teeth once more. The Chinese and their lead poisoning days are numbered. Phew! I’ll take robot overlords over Chinese overlords any day. Robots just seem… warmer.)

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