Hollywood Riot

In shocking news today, Wal-Mart has decided to get tough with their gun sale policies.

[Wal-Mart sells guns? Really? Where, next to Grand Theft Auto III?]

These bomb-proof new policies include such innovations as storing really poor-quality black and white video of Wal-Mart shoppers in case police ever need it, refusing to sell people who’ve previously killed someone with a Wal-Mart gun another Wal-Mart gun, and keeping an Excel spreadsheet (and maybe even a pie chart) detailing how many of the guns they sold were linked to crimes.

Well, hell, that should solve everything!

But just in case these new gestapo techniques don’t do the trick, Wal-Mart is also instituting several other tough new policies…

10 Other “Tough” New Gun Policies at Wal-Mart:

1. You must be wearing a shirt to purchase a gun. Sleeves continue to be optional, of course.

2. You must be wearing shoes to purchase a gun. (This is good advice in general)

3. You have to promise you’re not going to do anything bad with your new gun. Promise must involve a pinkie swear.

4. You must be at least 10 years old (5 in Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, and Florida.)

5. If you’re under 10 (or 5) years old, you must have a really good reason for wanting a gun. Shooting your brother is not a good reason.

6. If you’re wearing a ski mask, we’ll need to see some I.D.

7. We reserve the right to downgrade you from an automatic to a semi-automatic weapon if you appear to be insane or are talking to yourself in line.

8. We’d rather you not shoot your new gun in the store.

9. You cannot combine your gun coupon with any other coupon (except on BOGO days).

10. If you have mental problems or are otherwise unstable, we recommend a shotgun — it’s easier to shoot.

Wal-Mart: We’re Tough on Guns!