Hollywood Riot

OK, Mother Nature. We need to have a chat. You’ve created some nice little monsters in we humans, and while the existence and everything is very much appreciated, we don’t always show respect to you and your other beasties. To be honest, we suck as stewards of the planet. News is out from the National Wildlife Federation, and it’s not good. Everything is dying off! I know how sad this makes you. Earth Day is coming up, and I want you to do me a favor. Start evolving some of our best animals before they go extinct. You know, give ‘em an edge. Don’t worry, Mom, you can do this! Remember, you invented the platypus.

Let’s Get Motivated!

The easy answer is to just get rid of humanity, but according to our friends at The Daily Galaxy, it appears you have other plans in store for us. Humans are evolving faster than we ever have before! Yes, there’s nothing a booming population needs more than a few additional genetic advantages. (Not that I want malaria.)

The system has to regain balance. We need real DNA solutions, Mom, to help the others catch up to us. For example, if a polar bear could see through ice, I bet he could catch seals easier. Stuff like that. Wait, seals are going extinct, too? Well, shit Mom, you best slap a pair of wings onto the backs of those blubbery Arctic treats. Evolve the seal a special “second stomach” which it can fill with helium, enough to make up for the hundreds of pounds of fat. If they can float/fly about fifteen feet off the ground, they might make it over the head of the hungry super bear. Hope- that’s all I’m talking about here.

The (DN)A-Team needs to strap up and get their asses in gear. Time is of the essence. We need mutations across the board. It’s either that, or you let all of your beautiful animals perish (again). Remember how bad you felt after the dinosaurs went extinct? You spent a lot of time on them. Don’t make the same mistake. Cheetahs are really fast, but they could also be invisible. Monarch butterflies travel great distances to mate, but millions of deaths could be avoided if they had the ability to migrate to the moon. Moon Monarchs. Done.

You know, you’re lucky you made me so damn intelligent. Go (DN)A-Team, GO!

UPDATE: The Daily Galaxy is reporting about a lizard species that has been observed in “hyper” evolution mode. Wow! Thank you Mother Nature and the (DN)A-Team. Keep it up!

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