Hollywood Riot

Food prices are up… way up. People can’t afford to buy staples like bread, rice, fruit, bananas, or even Spam. Poor people can’t afford to eat. Not eating can drive a brother mad. Hungry people are not happy people. They’re just hungry (and sick to death of McDonald’s.)

After a long, heated discussion, Hollywood Riot has decided to suggest cannibalism.

Now you might be thinking “Eww, cannibalism is gross and wrong!” But I challenge you to think outside the box. Although many people call cannibalism “disgusting” and “illegal,” I just call it survival. Remember the plane that crashed in the Himalayas Andes? Those people were hungry. But did they sit around and waste time whining about it? Hell no, they were rugby players. They resorted to cannibalism. And they liked it. They even said it tasted like chicken. Chicken!

Now I’m not suggesting we eat just anybody. Or that we take to the streets picking people off at will. We are a civilized society after all. I think we need to think about this rationally. We need to be selective when it comes to who we dine on. Some criteria need to be established. For example, we only eat people we can’t stand, those who have been fed an organic diet, and those who don’t smoke. Drinking is OK — just consider that marinade.

Once we’ve removed the stigma attached with eating other people, we’ll be free to partake in annual competitions like “The Cannibal Cup” and “The Cannibal Cook-Off”. By then it will be fine to eat pretty much anyone you think would taste good with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

Until that day arrives, we’ll have to satiate ourselves with the people nobody likes. Here’s a short list:

Mariah Carey: Enough with the butterflies already. She’s annoying as hell, plus she’s got a little meat on her bones.

The Paparazzi: These guys are fair game. Just look for a healthy one and don’t steal Britney’s — she loves those guys.

Tori Spelling: As long as you don’t eat the plastic breast meat, she might not be a bad meal. And then we won’t have to watch her bed & breakfast reality show or read her cleverly-titled autobiography, sTori Telling or whatever.

Warren Jeffs: I wouldn’t touch that pervert with a ten-foot pole, but he does grow his own food, so he’s probably not bad eatin’.

Dick Cheney: Fat, well-fed, and lazy. He’s like a tender piece of Republican veal. Just watch out for bits of shrapnel, courtesy of George W’s hunting buddy. Which brings us to our next lunch special…

George W: For the love of the Union, will someone eat him please? Heavy spices would be necessary, however, to eliminate the stench of bullshit.

Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess: You know, the prison sheriff who’s been using inmates as sex slaves. We suggest “I Shot the Sheriff” as part of your dinner party soundtrack.

For those of you who can spend a little more at the cannibal carne store, we suggest these organic treats:

Cameron Diaz: I’ve had about enough of her. But she’s all muscle, so eat up.

Oprah Winfrey: You know Oprah’s been eating right.

Hillary Clinton: She keeps her Obama-bashing spirit strong with a free-range, cage-free diet. Now if only she’d let Bill and Chelsea out of their cages.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Probiotics, Yoga, vegan delicacies… heck, she even named her kid after a piece of fruit. You know what they say… an Apple’s mom a day keeps the Doctor away.

As we figure out a system for production and distribution of cannibal-related products and accessories, we should keep in mind what we’ve already learned from livestock. Let’s not mistreat them (too badly), let’s not pump the caged people full of growth hormones and antibiotics, and let’s do the job humanely. We don’t want to see Oprah suffer, after all. She’s done so much for the children.