Hollywood Riot

My son, James, was born on April 18th, 2003. That is almost exactly one month after George W. Bush declared war on Iraq. Five years and 400 trillion dollars later, we’re still mired down in the mess we created in the Middle East. For my boy’s entire life, the overall mood on planet Earth has been a morose, embattled, restricted, and worsening one. It’s sad that watching a Discovery Channel commercial is the only way to feel any bit of joy whatsoever. As a father, I want to try and give him the best existence possible. I have been very active this presidential season (supporting Ron Paul), but since my hopeful is hanging on for principle’s sake and not much else, I’ve been forced to change gears. I often ask myself, “How can we improve things?” and, quite recently, I found my answer through James’ preschool reasoning. He looked up at me and said, dryly, “With duct tape.” That’s my boy!

The reality is that, unfortunately, not much will change after a new president is elected. Unlike a leaky pipe, or broken chair leg, or Grandma’s cracked urn, duct tape can’t repair the mess in Iraq. But hey, that doesn’t mean some other quick fix won’t work. Something that will make sense to everyone… and look good on a bumper sticker.

That’s it! There’s our new wartime catchphrase. There’s nothing an American loves more than a snappy slogan. The Iraqi people are definitely no different. They simply love chanting slogans, and usually add an AK-47 sized exclamation point to the end. Catchphrases help to soak up all of our bitterness and anger into one digestible sound-bite that we can rally around. Look at the facts: We’ve been in Iraq for five years and there hasn’t been much in the way of bravado banter since the golden days of Freedom Fry mania. Due to this catchphrase void, our military has broken down and intense civil unrest has engulfed Iraq, making peace impossible. Various Muslim sects won’t even silence their gunfire long enough to hear a single new word of inspiration! The first order of business is to ditch Rumsfeld-esque taunts like “Shock & Awe.” Gone are the sordid days of “Bring ‘Em On!” Let’s lose Let’s Roll! and Whatchu Talkin’ About Camel Fucker? and Kick Their Ass, Take Their Gas. Those are the catchphrases of yesteryear. They’re stale and incredibly offensive. The newly branded Ouraqi’s will never move forward unless American’s begin to adhere more helpful and positive window clings to our Dodge Caravans.

“Get the I out of Iraq. Make it Ouraq!” mixes verbal motivation together with a play on words benignly stupid enough for any backwoods redneck to appreciate.

Listen, people of Iraq, you’re all living in the same horrible place. It’s all you have ever known, and you love it. I get that. It’s hot and dry and smells like hummus and you wouldn’t have it any other way… but since all of that exposition is way too long to fit on a bumper sticker, let’s roll go with the Ouraq one.

OK, so that will help unite the Ouraqi’s, but what about America? How are we going to heal? May Hollywood Riot suggest recycling an old Saddam Hussein classic? Perfect!

Referring back to preschool and the lessons my son is currently learning (there was a point to all that), the Ouraq slogan is meant to unite Sunni, Shi’a, and other miscellaneous factions. A social networking site for all Persian Gulf region folks called MyRaq has launched with the hope of capitalizing on the Ouraq phenomenon. As FDR once said, “Democracy is a dish best served on the backside of a Buick!” Who knows, perhaps peace will indeed spread through the Middle East thanks to the new catchphrase. For your reference, Hollywood Riot drew up a map to show the MyRaq screen names that Ouraq’s neighbors have already chosen. Good luck dear Ouraq, but never fear! Your U.S. is right down the hall…. always.

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