Hollywood Riot

What happens when the Mexican police pull you over?

You bribe them, of course. Everybody knows that. The last place you want to end up is in a Mexican jail. Trust me. It’s not all tortillas, chihuahuas, and sour cream dreams in a Mexican slammer. I’ve heard stories. And apparently, so have the Mexicans. Because from the sounds of it, they’re bribing everybody. To stay out of jail, to avoid going to court, for police protection, for a taco… whatever. $2.58 million billion dollars in bribes were doled out in Mexico last year alone.

That’s two bribes per person. That’s downright bribe-astic.

According to President Bush, who spoke with The Riot this morning, Mexico should be doing a whole lot better seeing as their “bribe economy”, as he likes to call it, is thriving.

“I really don’t see what the problem is there,” he says. “Our bribe system, I mean our lobbyists, are spending, too, and look at our economy.”

“Actually, sir, our economy is in the shitter,” we said.

“Oh, right,” he said. “Do you think it has anything to do with the bribes?”

“So you admit you’ve taken bribes?” we said.

“Well, define bribe. I mean, have I been given money in exchange for a vote, veto, or decision? Yes. Have I appointed unqualified people for positions based on monetary contributions and given expensive contracts to ol’ boys from Texas just because they supported my campaign? Sure. But those aren’t Mexican-type bribes,” he said.

“Oh really? Well, what’s the difference between a Mexican bribe and an American bribe?”

“That’s easy. We wear suits.”

From the cotton boom, to marijuana prohibition, to the Iraq War, to oil companies, to JP Morgan Chase and Bear Stearns, American bribes are prolific. We’ve spent way more money on bribes than the measly $2.58 billion they managed to eek out in Mexico last year. But you don’t see headlines on CNN talking about how much money in bribes was paid out in our country last year. Why you ask? Because we look so damn good while doing it, nobody notices.

It’d be okay for Mexicans to do it, too… if only they’d wear some freaking suits.