Hollywood Riot

I fear for the day when actual substance creeps into this presidential campaign and replaces the sloganeering and politicking. Watching the two Democratic candidates duke it out has been a heaven and hell experience. Mostly hell. Whoever lands the nomination, one thing’s for certain: we all face months of renewed posturing and name-calling from both Democrat and Republican sides. What’s the truth? Who’s for real? What time is lunch because, man, I am hungry.

Our current system of economics is pretty screwed up. I’m no expert on monetary policy (I went to film school), but even I realize that we’re taking a long walk off a short dock. We had a budget surplus in America before Dubya was elected, correct? A surplus that his own father fought for and, read my lips, lost his re-election because of. Right quick after his first “election win,” George W. Bush put together an unprecedented (and, turns out, ridiculous) $1.6 trillion tax cut. This caused a battle in Congress- mainly because it was such a surprise. George W. Bush hadn’t really discussed dissolving the surplus achieved by both President’s Bill Clinton and Dubya Senior. GOP members defected (Jim Jeffords!), Senators felt threatened and bullied, and Congress buckled and passed almost the entire amount. Ah, and to think… those were the good ol’ pre-September 11th days. Americans didn’t pay much attention, as that was the Summer of the Shark, but it began a disastrous trend: Dubya going against his central campaign promises, and pursuing a shady agenda with confidence knowing that Congress didn’t have the backbone to stop him.

OK, you got us George! You fooled the Supreme Court back in 2000, shame on you. Then, you fooled us all a second time with Iraq. Shame on us. We’re gonna be mad if you fool us a third time! Oh, right, you actually did sanction torture. You’re good at this. Shame on us? I mean, you. Oh hell, I don’t know the exact saying, and neither does George W.  The most important thing is that we not fall for the same bullshit that the Dubya Administration fed us. We’re not sure which candidate is most likely to fall off the Campaign Promise Wagon™ first, but there’s been enough crap thrown around already to ensure that anybody and everybody is a contender.

No matter how honest and nice he seems, Barack Obama is stuck with that name. No matter how noble and intelligent we pretend to be, Barack Obama is stuck with that name. I’m not an Obamaniac or a Barackorite, but give me a break. Connecting him with Osama bin Laden because their names share a few vowels is one of the Top Ten most idiotic things I’ve ever heard. I once had a co-worker named Michael Jordan. He could collate like a madman, but he looked like a turnip on the basketball court. Obama is not Osama’s brother. We can’t vouch for his health insurance plan, but Hollywood Riot confidently predicts that Obama will NOT fall of the Promise Wagon and start blowing shit up like low-brow rural Republicans would love for you to believe. Here’s a website decal/bumper sticker to help drive that point home:

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I’m also not a Hillary… person. She fell off the Promise Wagon long ago. Hollywood Riot has already discussed her future plans, and they don’t involve being President. Watch out for sniper fire and click on Clinton’s twitchy eye to read more.

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Grumpy Old Man McCain can live in Iraq for the next hundred years all he wants, but I’d rather my neighbor’s child (or mine for that matter) return home before he’s John’s age. War is hell, McCain, and you should know that better than anyone. But you don’t, which means you are bat-shit insane. Please don’t be President. The following attack ad is very extreme, but also very effective in scaring the shit out of dissuading voters. If this man is elected your next president, Hollywood Riot predicts that his shrapnel-spotted ass will remain firmly entrenched in the front seat of his Campaign Promise Wagon for the rest of the century. Dead or alive.  

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Ron Paul is the one candidate who doesn’t want to be President for the sake of being President, but that also means he won’t be President. Which is a shame, because he’s never fallen off the Promise Wagon and, votes be damned, he never will. Don’t fret, Paulateers! Looks like this young patriot might pick up the Re-Love-ution torch someday…