Hollywood Riot

What happens when the Mexican police pull you over?

You bribe them, of course. Everybody knows that. The last place you want to end up is in a Mexican jail. Trust me. It’s not all tortillas, chihuahuas, and sour cream dreams in a Mexican slammer. I’ve heard stories. And apparently, so have the Mexicans. Because from the sounds of it, they’re bribing everybody. To stay out of jail, to avoid going to court, for police protection, for a taco… whatever. $2.58 million billion dollars in bribes were doled out in Mexico last year alone.

That’s two bribes per person. That’s downright bribe-astic.

According to President Bush, who spoke with The Riot this morning, Mexico should be doing a whole lot better seeing as their “bribe economy”, as he likes to call it, is thriving.

“I really don’t see what the problem is there,” he says. “Our bribe system, I mean our lobbyists, are spending, too, and look at our economy.”

“Actually, sir, our economy is in the shitter,” we said.

“Oh, right,” he said. “Do you think it has anything to do with the bribes?”

“So you admit you’ve taken bribes?” we said.

“Well, define bribe. I mean, have I been given money in exchange for a vote, veto, or decision? Yes. Have I appointed unqualified people for positions based on monetary contributions and given expensive contracts to ol’ boys from Texas just because they supported my campaign? Sure. But those aren’t Mexican-type bribes,” he said.

“Oh really? Well, what’s the difference between a Mexican bribe and an American bribe?”

“That’s easy. We wear suits.”

From the cotton boom, to marijuana prohibition, to the Iraq War, to oil companies, to JP Morgan Chase and Bear Stearns, American bribes are prolific. We’ve spent way more money on bribes than the measly $2.58 billion they managed to eek out in Mexico last year. But you don’t see headlines on CNN talking about how much money in bribes was paid out in our country last year. Why you ask? Because we look so damn good while doing it, nobody notices.

It’d be okay for Mexicans to do it, too… if only they’d wear some freaking suits.

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My son, James, was born on April 18th, 2003. That is almost exactly one month after George W. Bush declared war on Iraq. Five years and 400 trillion dollars later, we’re still mired down in the mess we created in the Middle East. For my boy’s entire life, the overall mood on planet Earth has been a morose, embattled, restricted, and worsening one. It’s sad that watching a Discovery Channel commercial is the only way to feel any bit of joy whatsoever. As a father, I want to try and give him the best existence possible. I have been very active this presidential season (supporting Ron Paul), but since my hopeful is hanging on for principle’s sake and not much else, I’ve been forced to change gears. I often ask myself, “How can we improve things?” and, quite recently, I found my answer through James’ preschool reasoning. He looked up at me and said, dryly, “With duct tape.” That’s my boy!

The reality is that, unfortunately, not much will change after a new president is elected. Unlike a leaky pipe, or broken chair leg, or Grandma’s cracked urn, duct tape can’t repair the mess in Iraq. But hey, that doesn’t mean some other quick fix won’t work. Something that will make sense to everyone… and look good on a bumper sticker.

That’s it! There’s our new wartime catchphrase. There’s nothing an American loves more than a snappy slogan. The Iraqi people are definitely no different. They simply love chanting slogans, and usually add an AK-47 sized exclamation point to the end. Catchphrases help to soak up all of our bitterness and anger into one digestible sound-bite that we can rally around. Look at the facts: We’ve been in Iraq for five years and there hasn’t been much in the way of bravado banter since the golden days of Freedom Fry mania. Due to this catchphrase void, our military has broken down and intense civil unrest has engulfed Iraq, making peace impossible. Various Muslim sects won’t even silence their gunfire long enough to hear a single new word of inspiration! The first order of business is to ditch Rumsfeld-esque taunts like “Shock & Awe.” Gone are the sordid days of “Bring ‘Em On!” Let’s lose Let’s Roll! and Whatchu Talkin’ About Camel Fucker? and Kick Their Ass, Take Their Gas. Those are the catchphrases of yesteryear. They’re stale and incredibly offensive. The newly branded Ouraqi’s will never move forward unless American’s begin to adhere more helpful and positive window clings to our Dodge Caravans.

“Get the I out of Iraq. Make it Ouraq!” mixes verbal motivation together with a play on words benignly stupid enough for any backwoods redneck to appreciate.

Listen, people of Iraq, you’re all living in the same horrible place. It’s all you have ever known, and you love it. I get that. It’s hot and dry and smells like hummus and you wouldn’t have it any other way… but since all of that exposition is way too long to fit on a bumper sticker, let’s roll go with the Ouraq one.

OK, so that will help unite the Ouraqi’s, but what about America? How are we going to heal? May Hollywood Riot suggest recycling an old Saddam Hussein classic? Perfect!

Referring back to preschool and the lessons my son is currently learning (there was a point to all that), the Ouraq slogan is meant to unite Sunni, Shi’a, and other miscellaneous factions. A social networking site for all Persian Gulf region folks called MyRaq has launched with the hope of capitalizing on the Ouraq phenomenon. As FDR once said, “Democracy is a dish best served on the backside of a Buick!” Who knows, perhaps peace will indeed spread through the Middle East thanks to the new catchphrase. For your reference, Hollywood Riot drew up a map to show the MyRaq screen names that Ouraq’s neighbors have already chosen. Good luck dear Ouraq, but never fear! Your U.S. is right down the hall…. always.

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Food prices are up… way up. People can’t afford to buy staples like bread, rice, fruit, bananas, or even Spam. Poor people can’t afford to eat. Not eating can drive a brother mad. Hungry people are not happy people. They’re just hungry (and sick to death of McDonald’s.)

After a long, heated discussion, Hollywood Riot has decided to suggest cannibalism.

Now you might be thinking “Eww, cannibalism is gross and wrong!” But I challenge you to think outside the box. Although many people call cannibalism “disgusting” and “illegal,” I just call it survival. Remember the plane that crashed in the Himalayas Andes? Those people were hungry. But did they sit around and waste time whining about it? Hell no, they were rugby players. They resorted to cannibalism. And they liked it. They even said it tasted like chicken. Chicken!

Now I’m not suggesting we eat just anybody. Or that we take to the streets picking people off at will. We are a civilized society after all. I think we need to think about this rationally. We need to be selective when it comes to who we dine on. Some criteria need to be established. For example, we only eat people we can’t stand, those who have been fed an organic diet, and those who don’t smoke. Drinking is OK — just consider that marinade.

Once we’ve removed the stigma attached with eating other people, we’ll be free to partake in annual competitions like “The Cannibal Cup” and “The Cannibal Cook-Off”. By then it will be fine to eat pretty much anyone you think would taste good with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

Until that day arrives, we’ll have to satiate ourselves with the people nobody likes. Here’s a short list:

Mariah Carey: Enough with the butterflies already. She’s annoying as hell, plus she’s got a little meat on her bones.

The Paparazzi: These guys are fair game. Just look for a healthy one and don’t steal Britney’s — she loves those guys.

Tori Spelling: As long as you don’t eat the plastic breast meat, she might not be a bad meal. And then we won’t have to watch her bed & breakfast reality show or read her cleverly-titled autobiography, sTori Telling or whatever.

Warren Jeffs: I wouldn’t touch that pervert with a ten-foot pole, but he does grow his own food, so he’s probably not bad eatin’.

Dick Cheney: Fat, well-fed, and lazy. He’s like a tender piece of Republican veal. Just watch out for bits of shrapnel, courtesy of George W’s hunting buddy. Which brings us to our next lunch special…

George W: For the love of the Union, will someone eat him please? Heavy spices would be necessary, however, to eliminate the stench of bullshit.

Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess: You know, the prison sheriff who’s been using inmates as sex slaves. We suggest “I Shot the Sheriff” as part of your dinner party soundtrack.

For those of you who can spend a little more at the cannibal carne store, we suggest these organic treats:

Cameron Diaz: I’ve had about enough of her. But she’s all muscle, so eat up.

Oprah Winfrey: You know Oprah’s been eating right.

Hillary Clinton: She keeps her Obama-bashing spirit strong with a free-range, cage-free diet. Now if only she’d let Bill and Chelsea out of their cages.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Probiotics, Yoga, vegan delicacies… heck, she even named her kid after a piece of fruit. You know what they say… an Apple’s mom a day keeps the Doctor away.

As we figure out a system for production and distribution of cannibal-related products and accessories, we should keep in mind what we’ve already learned from livestock. Let’s not mistreat them (too badly), let’s not pump the caged people full of growth hormones and antibiotics, and let’s do the job humanely. We don’t want to see Oprah suffer, after all. She’s done so much for the children.

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Happy 4/20 everyone. Just wanted to let our readers know that FeedBurner is now handling our RSS/XML wizardry. Use this link or simply click on the Subscribe button to your upper right and follow the instructions to get going. Allie and Geoff are trying to post six days a week, but it’s worth subscribing so you can be the first kid on your block to read the Riot!

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OK, Mother Nature. We need to have a chat. You’ve created some nice little monsters in we humans, and while the existence and everything is very much appreciated, we don’t always show respect to you and your other beasties. To be honest, we suck as stewards of the planet. News is out from the National Wildlife Federation, and it’s not good. Everything is dying off! I know how sad this makes you. Earth Day is coming up, and I want you to do me a favor. Start evolving some of our best animals before they go extinct. You know, give ‘em an edge. Don’t worry, Mom, you can do this! Remember, you invented the platypus.

Let’s Get Motivated!

The easy answer is to just get rid of humanity, but according to our friends at The Daily Galaxy, it appears you have other plans in store for us. Humans are evolving faster than we ever have before! Yes, there’s nothing a booming population needs more than a few additional genetic advantages. (Not that I want malaria.)

The system has to regain balance. We need real DNA solutions, Mom, to help the others catch up to us. For example, if a polar bear could see through ice, I bet he could catch seals easier. Stuff like that. Wait, seals are going extinct, too? Well, shit Mom, you best slap a pair of wings onto the backs of those blubbery Arctic treats. Evolve the seal a special “second stomach” which it can fill with helium, enough to make up for the hundreds of pounds of fat. If they can float/fly about fifteen feet off the ground, they might make it over the head of the hungry super bear. Hope- that’s all I’m talking about here.

The (DN)A-Team needs to strap up and get their asses in gear. Time is of the essence. We need mutations across the board. It’s either that, or you let all of your beautiful animals perish (again). Remember how bad you felt after the dinosaurs went extinct? You spent a lot of time on them. Don’t make the same mistake. Cheetahs are really fast, but they could also be invisible. Monarch butterflies travel great distances to mate, but millions of deaths could be avoided if they had the ability to migrate to the moon. Moon Monarchs. Done.

You know, you’re lucky you made me so damn intelligent. Go (DN)A-Team, GO!

UPDATE: The Daily Galaxy is reporting about a lizard species that has been observed in “hyper” evolution mode. Wow! Thank you Mother Nature and the (DN)A-Team. Keep it up!

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