Hollywood Riot

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Well, Shakespeare, looks like you’ve been trumped by the mullet… I mean, “Hockey Hair.” That’s the name Minnesota moms give the horrendous hairstyle they somehow convince their boys to don during the cold winter months of hockey season. The Star Tribune is reporting that these chill Northern folk even have contests to see who has the “best” rendition. The lucky winner this year? According to Hockey Moms Magazine (the absolute authority on mullet execution), it’s Brady Arneson, a 3-year-old who can’t even play hockey. That should tell you something right there: No kid in the history of the world has ever won anything that somebody older actually wanted. We suspect young Brady Arneson, even with his flaxen blonde back-locks, is no hair wunderkind. Either the pre-teen hockey players were too embarrassed to enter the contest, or Mrs. Arneson is the queen bee Hockey Mom. Think about it.

In the real world, do you honestly believe Charlie Bucket would have ended up with a billion dollar chocolate empire against the likes of Veruca Salt’s peanut manufacturing father? Talk about a business partnership made in heaven, right? Too bad Willy Wonka had the entire contest fixed while in a fit of cocoa intoxication, preventing anybody but the most honest at heart to win. This move ultimately destroyed what he had spent his entire life creating by handing the keys to his candy making secrets over to a lice-infested wharf rat of a child. Well, hair related competitions are no different. Either this contest was totally rigged, or there isn’t a single other male hockey player in the area with a decently cropped mullet… and we all know that isn’t the case. 

What’s the deal, Hockey Moms Magazine? Was this kid just the youngest contestant, and therefore the least likely to develop permanent psychological scars from the experience, or perhaps there is a bit of favoritism working on wee Brady’s side? After all, mullets are a family tradition. An older brother won the title back in 2005. His father’s mullet saved the lives of four men in Vietnam. His father’s father’s mullet killed Hitler. His father’s father’s father’s mullet was scalped by Indians. That’s some serious lineage. It’s apparent Hockey Moms Magazine is nothing but an elitist rag. You know, the Arneson clan doesn’t own a monopoly on bad hair. It’s hard to believe, but Hockey Hair isn’t even the most offensive cut out there. Why, there’s a relative smorgasbord of follicle follies to feast your eyes upon. It might be nice for little Brady to try a different ‘do. Perhaps the Simply Unforgettable mohawk, made famous by… what’s-his-name. Since little Brady is destined for the bright lights of La La Land, his own hockey mom might want to consider last season’s celebrity craze: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow (HTGT). Either way, if he intends on remaining a champ, Brady better improve on the old style somehow. The good Lord knows that by next year’s contest he’ll have stiff competition from Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby.

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