Hollywood Riot

The group behind the Blue Bin and The Three R’s is at it again. In a new direction for the Recycling Union Coalition of the United States, hundreds of goats are being introduced into local recycling centers to do what goats do best- eat cans.

“We’ve known for years that goats consume aluminum in the wild- which explains why many choose to live on extreme rock outcroppings and steep mountain tops.” said Dr. Tucker Florentine, VP of Communications at R.U.C.U.S. “Goats seek aluminum deposits and, much like a horse to his salt block, will stand there and lick the mineral for hours at a time. Apparently, it plays a part in their horn development. The more aluminum a goat absorbs, the stronger their horns. Stronger horns give an evolutionary advantage both in mating and defense against predators.”

With aluminum being so sought after by goats, it was only a matter of time before R.U.C.U.S. contacted local petting zoos to test their theory. Several large specimens, of both Billy and Mountain variety, were presented with a large bale of crushed aluminum cans ready for traditional recycling. Would the goats take to aluminum cans as they do to natural aluminum deposits?

“Needless to say, the goats went crazy.” said Dr. Florentine, “I’ve researched feeding frenzy behavior in sharks and piranha, but I’ve never witnessed anything like this. Over the course of ten minutes, six goats consumed nearly 17,000 cans. It was messy, and three agency workers were bitten, one quite extensively. However, at the end there was hardly a scrap of aluminum left. Simply incredible.”

Could goats usher in a new golden age of recycling? At least for aluminum, the answer seems to be a resounding yes. It’s not a stretch to think the (DN)A-Team is somehow involved in all of this.

“We had nothing to do with those goddamn goats.” said Mr. DNA himself, “Eating aluminum cans? Are you serious? Everyone knows they only eat tin cans. These morons are going to kill millions of innocent goats who can’t tell the difference between a ferrous and non-ferrous metal. The Team has been busy working on these kick ass bacteria that can eat radioactive waste, but as soon as we’re done we’ll get to work on making sure these animals are able to digest every known iron alloy. Fucking humans, I swear.”

Mr. DNA then downloaded a startling image from the R.U.C.U.S. database that clearly shows they are moving forward with this progressive, if not completely understood, recycling program:

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