Hollywood Riot

All you Catholic UFO spotters out there, rejoice! The Vatican has just blessed us with more infinite wisdom. Oh, joyous day. Hallefreakinlujah. I love when one of those old, out-of-touch men give a speech. Especially when it’s about…

Wait for it… wait for it… aliens! That’s right - the Vatican is encouraging us to believe in, and love, our alien brothers! No, not illegal aliens - space aliens. As in outer space. For reals.

Finally, they’ve said something that makes sense!

Check out this quote (you can’t make this shit up):

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes says that such a notion (space aliens) “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures.

The interview was headlined “The extraterrestrial is my brother.” [WTF?] Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom.

“Like putting limits on God’s creative freedom?” I thought limits were the Vatican’s bag, baby. They do nothing but put limits on, well, everybody’s freedom. No sex, no birth control, no divorce, no lust, no greed, no coveting, no same-sex love… NO FUN.

I’m wondering, though, what would happen if these aliens turn out to be lusty drunks who use birth control, have abortions, eat meat on Friday, and are hopelessly vain? Will the Vatican still be singing their praises? What if our “Extraterrrestrial Brothers?” don’t eat Reeses Pieces or let us dress them up in doll clothes? What if they’d rather incinerate us than phone home? Or worse, what if they’re (gasp!) gay?

Oh right - the old “you’ll burn in hell” trick. Blah, blah, blah… I have a feeling if there are aliens out there, they’re smarter than to fall for that tired gag.

I guess we could just ask Pope Benedict XVI - I’m pretty sure he’s an alien himself. I mean, look at that bulbous head and those bulging eyes. Isn’t he like 145 years old? A human being could never live that long - it’s impossible. Impossible I say!

Let’s put an end to all this wondering, shall we? Let’s open the X Files. What do you think - are aliens good Catholics? Or will they be a disgrace to the Church? Will those kooky Vaticanians rue the day they invited aliens to the table?

I don’t know about you, but all this alien talk has me fired up for some interstellar action. Let’s let our UFO flags fly, people! Join the Riot this week as we explore reports of strange lights in the night, alien encounters, and anal popes probes. Basically, we’re gonna get all extraterrestrial on your ass. And maybe even in it.

Earth to Xenu…