Hollywood Riot

Which Earth items will make it to Mars, and what should we call them?

Recent soil samples from Mars reveals a rich chemistry very similar to the dirt in your own backyard. Scientists even went so far as to say asparagus would grow especially well on the Red Planet. Now, one of the fun things about the future that we will probably miss out on is getting to re-name all the Earth stuff for Mars. Like humans do. England becomes New England, lorries become trucks and on and on. So I’d like to challenge all of you to think of a modern product/produce/utility/animal and re-name it for Mars.

For example: Since asparagus will be so common, that will definitely need a new name. Let’s brainstorm - sorry epileptics - Mars: The land of Asparagus. Asmarsagus. Marsparagus. Asparamarsgus…

Leave a comment below with your own Martian re-branding!

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Oh. Shit. For the first time in the history of mankind, the North Pole might be completely ice-free by the end of summer. That’s right - the NORTH POLE. Doesn’t get much colder than that. The problem is that about 70% of the stable, thick ice melted away last year. So this year, there’s only a thin layer of fresh ice covering the majority of the Arctic Ocean - which will probably all melt away again, and faster, this summer.

To help bring the point home (specifically Santa’s home), Hollywood Riot sent a remote unit up to the North Pole to see how the big guy was coping with the changes. Here’s the footage we got back, uncensored:

Chilling. Well, we wish it were more chilling… in fact, freezing… but that’s not the case, is it? The North Pole has melted.

And Santa Claus is dead.

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Who is Jessica Bruinsma? For one, she’s got her sights set on running a marathon. Beyond that, we’re not quite sure. All we know is that the 24-year-old American went a hikin’ in the snowy mountains of Germany and got lost. Normally, this story ends thousands of years in the future when archaeologists of the age thaw her remains and put them on display in the Smithsonian. Yet, fate stepped in and spared the aspiring athlete. According to CNN:

“An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border.”

No word on what happened to that “friend,” but we’re glad to report Jessica has been rescued - thanks to a little bit of Yankee ingenuity. After losing herself in bad weather, she fell off a cliff and (stop laughing) dislocated her shoulder. Luckily, there was a supply box nearby with plenty of water, and some kind of mechanical lift system within reach. Confident that five helicopters and 80 emergency workers would be out looking for her - the daring marathon participant from America - she laid low and drank that kick ass supply box water for the next 70 hours. At some point between hour zero and hour seventy, she got proactive and whipped off her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and tossed it around the mechanical lift system (which was broken). Thankfully, she was hiking in Germany - where mechanical things don’t stay broken for long. As soon as it got moving, Jessica’s bra made its way down the mountain towards parts unknown. Some lowly woodsman (who doesn’t even deserve to be named in the CNN article) finds the bra and informs his superior that “Sumpin’ awry up them hills” - except, of course, he says this in German. Within minutes, the entire Alpine Rescue Team is fired. In their stead, a group of locals drags the girl out of that icy grave alive and well. Police Officer Rasp was first to stick his face in front of a microphone:

“She did so well because she is in very good shape,” Officer Rasp said. “She has been training for a marathon — her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes.”

Bruinsma told Officer Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training.

Thanks to her underwear, Jessica’s dream of running long distances for no reason remains intact. For this fact alone, we feel she would make a perfect Victoria’s Secret spokesperson. She can sure use the support.

And what about her heroic brassiere? Well, let’s just say those ingenious Germans have paid notice…

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Blame Jamie Lynn Spears, blame Juno, or blame the drinking water in Gloucester, Mass… it doesn’t really matter. Either way, 17 young girls (none older than 16 years old) became pregnant at the same time because they thought it would be “fun” to raise their babies together.

Um, maybe I missed something, but what the hell is fun about having a baby at 16? Let’s see - is it the sleepless nights? The dead-end future? The dead-beat dad? Trading homework, after-school sports, and underage drinking parties for shitty diapers and screaming babies?

It just doesn’t sound like the kind of fun 16 year-olds should be having (at least not on purpose, as part of a pact, with 17 of your stupid ass friends). I can’t believe these girls would just blindly follow each other into something so life changing. Didn’t their moms ever say to them “If your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you, too?” You’re supposed to say NO!

Now, a puppy pact - that would have been fun. Everybody knows a puppy pact is more fun than a baby pact (at least when you’re in 9th grade). Puppies are cuter than babies (sorry, but it’s true), much less work, and you can leave them in a crate if you feel like going out. Last time I checked, it was illegal to leave a baby in a crate, no matter how bad you want to go out (like to the Prom or whatever).

If any of you pre-teen girls out there are considering a pact similar to that of your moronic peers - don’t do it. Try a puppy pact instead. Why? Because puppies are awesome! Just ask Hannah Montana…

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Looks like California is continuing the “So, This is What Freedom Looks Like” campaign by legalizing same-sex unions. I guess they figured now that medicinal marijuana is legal and not a single baby has been eaten by a stoned mother, it’s safe to assume legalizing gay unions will not slippery slope marriage right off the globe either. People will not be allowed to marry just anything (no matter how much you love your goddamn iPhone).

Octogenarians Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin were the first, and hopefully oldest, couple to get legally married in San Francisco last week. Thanks to Cinemax, I pictured same-sex marriage being… sexier. Anyway, we wish them a happy honeymoon at Ensure® World Senior Fun Center in delightful (but not too delightful) Tampa Bay, Florida.

Ah, Phyllis and Del. You ancient temptresses. Your courtship has lasted 55 years and things sure aren’t slowing down now that you’re married. Keep it hot, ladies. I’m sure those hard-luck farmers in Iowa are going to be delighted to hear about your story of love and determination, which will in turn take their minds off of ruined crops and floating barns. You see, hope springs eternal in the heart of an Iowan corn farmer, so they say, as it does in the heart of every oppressed citizen. Your courage and longevity is no doubt an inspiration. That said…

Please, never kiss each other in public again. Ever.

Thanks and best of luck!!

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