Hollywood Riot

According to scientists, traveling all the way to Mars may be “stressful” and “cause unknown mental issues”. In more shocking news, Mars is really far away and landing there is really dangerous. To borrow a term from the 80’s… duh!

Members of “The Mars Society,” who may have a head start on the crazy anyway, are determined to make it to the “New World.” These people, all 7,000 of them, are researching ways to live and work on Mars. The only problem is, the voyagers might kill each other before they even get there…

The numbers of men and women, their ages and even cultural upbringings must be carefully calculated to try to prevent what could be potentially devastating cosmic quarrels. “You can’t just take a walk and get away from somebody,” Kanas said.

Nor will astronauts really be able to talk to anyone, either — at least not on Earth — mainly because of a 44-minute communication delay between the Blue and Red planets, “which means you can’t have a nice chat with your kids,” said Kanas. “You are so far away; you really are isolated.”

No shit. You’re going to Mars for crying out loud. If you wanted to have a “nice chat with your kids” you probably wouldn’t be going to Mars in the first place. But don’t worry, soon enough you’ll be having “nice chats” with all those angry voices in your head. “Kill them all, Samuel”… “Just open the hatch”… “You don’t need that air”… and so on.

If you’re thinking about taking a trip to Mars, you better be ready to go a little insane in the membrane. Remember Lisa Nowak, the crazy Discovery astronaut? She wore diapers all the way to Florida or some shit. She didn’t even go to Mars - she just went to the space station and look what happened to her… she wore diapers to Florida!

Losing visual contact with Earth will probably make you feel like you’re, well, out of this world! Astronauts and space pioneers be forewarned, traveling into the deep realms of outer space, searching for Martians, and attempting to land on a planet upon which you cannot breathe and don’t really belong, may stress you out a little bit. Just saying.

Let’s put this into perspective. People go to Iraq and come back nuttier than squirrel turds. Imagine what will happen when they start coming back from Mars? The human mind is a fragile thing. Expect a whole host of new mental issues when people start galavanting off to Mars.

And what if the toilet breaks again? That’s enough to send an edgy astronaut right off the pot, so to speak. Floating around in your own squirrel turds is enough to make the sanest man lose it completely.

I guess if these space pioneers do go crazy up there, we wouldn’t necessarily have to bring them home. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just send them to Youranus.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot