Hollywood Riot

Many people are sticking close to home this summer, due to food riots, gas shortages, or just the normal lack of planning. These penny pinchers are also denying their children camping trips and swim lessons in lieu of “rising wheat prices” (whatever that means.) Who needs crap like precious memories and buoyancy? Studies show that most children prefer whole-wheat PB & J sandwiches to doggy paddling anyway (Study provided by the Wheat Council). With all this in mind, may the Riot suggest a few alternatives to the otherwise commonplace themes that define the Hot American Summer?

First of all, we need to conserve water. The Governator just declared a drought here in California. Some say water is the next oil. Drinking the stuff is OK, but leave swimming and bathing to creatures that have no other choice - like wild salmon and legendary Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Instead of Slip N Slide try Peel UR Hide. No water required! Just throw down a cheap plastic sheet and let the summer rays do the rest. After a few hours, an invisible layer of polymer soup should form on top. Don’t worry, it’s there. You’ll get just enough lubrication to make the trip, and the throbbing red welts you receive will offer a refreshing alternative to those cancer causing sunburns.

Secondly, don’t fall for a summer camp scam that will see your summer camp scamps truly disappointed. Look out for hidden costs and don’t believe everything you read in a glossy pamphlet. There’s no such thing as a “Kool-Aid Inflation Tax.” Just because the name of the camp is in the Algonquin language doesn’t make it noble or proud or even Native American. Most summer camps are owned by the Chinese, where “Arts & Crafts Time” is really a euphemism for “Hello Kitty and knock-off Gucci wallet-making time.”

The historically unpopular idea of summer school needs to be re-packaged as well. Summer provides just enough time to get sunburnt, complain about the heat, lose your keys at an amusement park, sweat profusely, and get sick of all the songs on the radio three times over. It’s really not that much fun, but compared to the drudgery of public school it feels like a true blessing. There’s no reason why we can’t combine the joys of summer with the thrill of education. Biology on the Beach, anyone? Kids need to know the difference between a jellyfish and a plastic bag, and both can be found in multitude on any American shoreline.

There you have it. Great ideas for a great summer. Enjoy!

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