Hollywood Riot

Who is Jessica Bruinsma? For one, she’s got her sights set on running a marathon. Beyond that, we’re not quite sure. All we know is that the 24-year-old American went a hikin’ in the snowy mountains of Germany and got lost. Normally, this story ends thousands of years in the future when archaeologists of the age thaw her remains and put them on display in the Smithsonian. Yet, fate stepped in and spared the aspiring athlete. According to CNN:

“An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border.”

No word on what happened to that “friend,” but we’re glad to report Jessica has been rescued - thanks to a little bit of Yankee ingenuity. After losing herself in bad weather, she fell off a cliff and (stop laughing) dislocated her shoulder. Luckily, there was a supply box nearby with plenty of water, and some kind of mechanical lift system within reach. Confident that five helicopters and 80 emergency workers would be out looking for her - the daring marathon participant from America - she laid low and drank that kick ass supply box water for the next 70 hours. At some point between hour zero and hour seventy, she got proactive and whipped off her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and tossed it around the mechanical lift system (which was broken). Thankfully, she was hiking in Germany - where mechanical things don’t stay broken for long. As soon as it got moving, Jessica’s bra made its way down the mountain towards parts unknown. Some lowly woodsman (who doesn’t even deserve to be named in the CNN article) finds the bra and informs his superior that “Sumpin’ awry up them hills” - except, of course, he says this in German. Within minutes, the entire Alpine Rescue Team is fired. In their stead, a group of locals drags the girl out of that icy grave alive and well. Police Officer Rasp was first to stick his face in front of a microphone:

“She did so well because she is in very good shape,” Officer Rasp said. “She has been training for a marathon — her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes.”

Bruinsma told Officer Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training.

Thanks to her underwear, Jessica’s dream of running long distances for no reason remains intact. For this fact alone, we feel she would make a perfect Victoria’s Secret spokesperson. She can sure use the support.

And what about her heroic brassiere? Well, let’s just say those ingenious Germans have paid notice…

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