Hollywood Riot

While we were trolling the anals annals of Youtube late last night, the Riot found this compelling video that explores the only reasons you could possibly have for voting Republican in 2008 (now that Ron Paul isn’t on the ticket)… you must be a huge douche bag.

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Snow Queen, the supposed “ice patch” that was uncovered by the Mars Phoenix Lander, is not ice at all. Upon further inspection, it appears to be part of the fossilized remains of a large, carnivorous creature. Radio spectrometry and X-ray magnification imaging from the Phoenix Lander has revealed the overall shape of the mystery object, which remains hidden under several inches of Martian soil - not to mention the Lander itself:

The shocking revelation was at first dismissed by every scientist at NASA (save for Dr. Melvin Monroe, a rather odd and tempestuous man). However, microscopic test results from the first scoop of Martian soil clearly show fragments that resemble the structure of fossilized bone here on Earth. We cornered the elusive Dr. Monroe for an explanation:

“Listen, we’re not sure what this is. Could be an anomaly, or it’s possible that contamination has occurred. Either way, it’s not a damn dinosaur so please shut up and get out of the men’s room.”

Whoa, did he say dinosaur?! Dr. Monroe let the sabertooth cat out of the bag with his statement from the stall, and he immediately - yet unsuccessfully - tried to backpedal.

“What I mean, is that it’s just an ice patch, of course. An ice patch that happens to look an awful lot like, well… the skull of a Tyrannosaur.”

Too late. I needed to know the truth. Several hours later, Dr. Monroe really wanted to get off the toilet so he told me everything. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true. Dinosaurs once roamed ancient Mars. Dr. Monroe’s interpretation goes something like this:

“Hundreds of millions of years ago, intelligent beings on Mars had built a thriving society. We would be surprised to learn how much we had in common with our “alien cousins.” These gentle and humble Martians, physically frail but mentally strong, loved to play games of all different types. Unfortunately, they were also plagued by endless wars and an unstable environment. Sound familiar? At the time, Earth was ruled by giant ferocious monsters… the dinosaurs. Many brave Martian explorers would travel to Earth for various reasons, but none chose to remain very long. The planet was simply too dangerous. In fact, the most severe punishment a Martian could receive was to be banished and given a one-way ticket to Earth. The majority of these criminals were eaten within hours. This gruesome judicial tradition went on for a million years, before a wise Martian leader decided the cost of sending each criminal to Earth would be better spent bringing a few of the Earth monsters back home to Mars. The subsequent missions to Earth were treacherous, and many Martian commandos died trying to retrieve eggs from the more protective predator mothers. Yet, succeed they did. The eggs hatched and the babies grew quickly in the rich Martian landscape. Crowds of thousands would gather to see the young dinosaurs and marvel at their alien features. When the dinosaurs had reached maturity, they were allowed to become executioners. Guilty murderers and traitors were tossed in to pits and pens with the beasts, never to be seen or heard from again.” 

As we all know, the Martian atmosphere eventually dried up and all life on the Red Planet was extinguished. Earth was going through its own brutal Ice Age, which prevented the mass migration of Martians and their families to our world. Millions of more years flowed by. Earth recovered, but Mars never did. Now, at last, we’re beginning to understand the fascinating history of our two sister planets. 

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Don’t elect this aging veto-happy idiot. He wants to veto every single beer!

“And their names are… Budweiser, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light, Heineken, Amstel Light, Corona, Stella Artois, Guinness,” he said. “I will veto every light beer, every ale, every amber, every porter, and every dark beer. I will veto Mexican beer, Norwegian beer, Canadian beer, and Belizean beer. I will veto every single last beer on the face of this planet and then I’ll veto some more beer. I’ll veto every single stinkin beer in every last bar, cooler, and refrigerator in the world. Muahahahaha! Veto, veto, veto, veto, beer, beer, beer, veto, beer, veto, beer, blah, blah… (pause) Wait, where am I?”

Hey McCain, keep your stupid Sharpie away from our beer!
Veto this, you old fogy.

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In honor of our first three months of existence, and to try out our new embedding video technology, I decided to compile most of Hollywood Riot’s animated GIFs in to one exciting video. Some are missing, most notably the DEA raid piece, but blame Final Cut Pro for that wacked out business. There is no particular order either. Anyway, expect better embedded videos in the future… embettered videos, if you will.

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Many people are sticking close to home this summer, due to food riots, gas shortages, or just the normal lack of planning. These penny pinchers are also denying their children camping trips and swim lessons in lieu of “rising wheat prices” (whatever that means.) Who needs crap like precious memories and buoyancy? Studies show that most children prefer whole-wheat PB & J sandwiches to doggy paddling anyway (Study provided by the Wheat Council). With all this in mind, may the Riot suggest a few alternatives to the otherwise commonplace themes that define the Hot American Summer?

First of all, we need to conserve water. The Governator just declared a drought here in California. Some say water is the next oil. Drinking the stuff is OK, but leave swimming and bathing to creatures that have no other choice - like wild salmon and legendary Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Instead of Slip N Slide try Peel UR Hide. No water required! Just throw down a cheap plastic sheet and let the summer rays do the rest. After a few hours, an invisible layer of polymer soup should form on top. Don’t worry, it’s there. You’ll get just enough lubrication to make the trip, and the throbbing red welts you receive will offer a refreshing alternative to those cancer causing sunburns.

Secondly, don’t fall for a summer camp scam that will see your summer camp scamps truly disappointed. Look out for hidden costs and don’t believe everything you read in a glossy pamphlet. There’s no such thing as a “Kool-Aid Inflation Tax.” Just because the name of the camp is in the Algonquin language doesn’t make it noble or proud or even Native American. Most summer camps are owned by the Chinese, where “Arts & Crafts Time” is really a euphemism for “Hello Kitty and knock-off Gucci wallet-making time.”

The historically unpopular idea of summer school needs to be re-packaged as well. Summer provides just enough time to get sunburnt, complain about the heat, lose your keys at an amusement park, sweat profusely, and get sick of all the songs on the radio three times over. It’s really not that much fun, but compared to the drudgery of public school it feels like a true blessing. There’s no reason why we can’t combine the joys of summer with the thrill of education. Biology on the Beach, anyone? Kids need to know the difference between a jellyfish and a plastic bag, and both can be found in multitude on any American shoreline.

There you have it. Great ideas for a great summer. Enjoy!

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