Hollywood Riot

Recently, thousands of people had the misfortune of stumbling across a headline that read “Mini-Me Sex Tape Leaked.” Unable to turn away, many of them chose to watch the little drunk person and his model girlfriend get… it… on.

Sure he was cute in Austin Powers, but I don’t want to see him shagging anybody, baby. So instead I began to think about the many other people I’d rather watch a sex tape of.

Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example - that would be ridiculously hot, no doubt. Victoria and David Beckham would probably be steamy, too. I bet Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson look pretty good naked together. I’d even consider watching Madonna and Guy Ritchie do it beach-style like in that shitty movie they did together (no, the other one).

But it seems we never get to watch those kinds of people having sex. In the name of decency, here are some other high-profile couples who should never make a sex tape. Feel free to send in your own Please-Stay-Clothed power couples.

7. John and Cindy McCain

Shudder. Anything is possible with the power of Viagra, and we all know how Cindy likes to dope it up. The highlight of this sex tape would be McCain’s mid-fellatio Vietnam flashback, and that ain’t saying much.

6. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden

That’s the one she’s dating, right? Either way, I’ve seen more than enough of her and he’s just downright ugly. I’d rather watch the guy in the background hump Benji’s hat.

5. Bert and Ernie

Although it would resolve one of the longest standing rumors in TV history, this gay puppet skin flick would scar way too many children to be worthwhile. Of course, Sesame Street has been known for its liberal views on muppet relations…

4. Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell

They’re both classically beautiful humans, but also undeniably B-O-R-I-N-G. Get ready for Seven Minutes in Missionary Heaven! Even the idea of a sex tape is probably too exciting for these vanilla lovers.

3. Condi Rice and Karl Rove (via webcam)

We know, we know - who would want to bang either one of these two? Turns out, nobody! However, when Condi busts out her Washington Monument-style pleasure rod and dials up Rove for some “Shock and Awe,” it’s America that once again loses.

2. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil

This disturbing tape would involve lots of needles and feature plenty of “Wait, wait, it’s almost up!” proclamations from drug-addled Blake. It all ends with a trip to the ER and quickly becomes the most effective piece of anti-drug propaganda ever.

1. Tom Cruise and Xenu

Why not a Tom and Katie sex video, you ask? She signed a billion year contract and married one of the most brainwashed people on Earth, silly. Suri’s mom is way too busy clearing out those damn Body Thetans to get down with Tom these days, so he turns to his reliable Scientology alien overlord for satisfaction. Massive production value, professional lighting, high-definition video, pyrotechnics, John Woo directing and a nimble Guatemalan boy in a realistic rubber suit makes theirs the costliest sex tape in history. Which is why you only get to see it after reaching the Bat Shit Insane level of Scientology. Of course, that’s just a rumor…

Xenu calls Action!

Looks like the War on Drugs is about as successful as the War in Iraq. Reports are coming in that the U.S. uses more cocaine than any other country in the world. (England wins for heroin thanks to Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss).

It’s not like this is shocking news - we use the most of everything. And we have the most money. Let’s face it, folks, cocaine ain’t cheap. Khazikstan and Ethiopia are automatically taken out of the running for that simple fact alone. Cocaine is the privileged man’s drug, the American man’s drug. The drug of Wall Street brokers and high-powered attorneys.

Some brainiac from the World Health Organization confirmed my suspicions in the above linked-to article, stating…

“The use of drugs seems to be a feature of more affluent countries,” said the WHO.

No kidding. Do you mean to suggest that people with no money have no money to buy drugs? Brilliant science, men. Brilliant.

Let’s take a look at the rest of the world and see how they’re faring, shall we?

TOKYO: Hell, Tokyo’s doing great. In fact, so few people bring drugs to the airport in Tokyo that custom officials have taken to planting drugs in traveler’s bags because there’s nothing else going on. Seriously.

AMSTERDAM: We all know about Amsterdam’s awesome drug laws, but did you know this? Dutch rates of drug use are lower than U.S. rates in every category. Amsterdam gives their people a little credit and has given up the lame ass-umption that marijuana is a “gateway drug.” Whatever that is.

IRAQ: If Iraq didn’t have a drug problem before, they do now. That’s right, drug abuse in this country has jumped 35% since the U.S. invaded. Why? Because we love drugs! All right! From an official document of some sort: Use of heroin and other hard drugs, virtually unknown in Iraq under Saddam Hussein’s regime, has increased dramatically since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. The fact that the entire country only has one drug-sniffing dog doesn’t help either. Plus, I don’t think anyone really gives a shit.

BURMA: This place is so looney toons that goldmine owners encourage their employees to smoke opium all day on the job. They even give them money to do so. You know, to keep them all “loyal” and shiz. To further encourage loyalty, they’ll chop off your head if you quit.

BRAZIL: Forget cocaine, vain Brazil just wants to look good. Mmm mmm, that’s right. Brazil’s deadliest drug cocktail comes in the form of diet pills. Those bitches gotta stay skinny somehow.

For more drug news, just head down the street. If you’re in America, you’re bound to run into some.