Hollywood Riot

If you saw the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics last Friday night on TV, you were no doubt impressed with the visual spectacular that was the fireworks show. As my little brother so eloquently put it, “Hu Jintao could have been assassinating the Dali Lama during the fireworks show and nobody would have cared - it was that good.” That might be a bit of a stretch, but it was definitely a hell of a lot better than my neighborhood 4th of July fireworks show (six shirtless drunk guys, a Roman candle, an M-80, and some cherry bombs). I should have known it was too good to be true.

The whole damn thing was fake!

China, being the sneaky little country it is, tricked us by using a 3-D digital computer sequence in place of real fireworks. And it friggin’ worked… almost. As is the case with most high-profile ruses, someone found them out.

Now people are asking what else is being faked in China…

Are those pretty Chinese girls carrying signs around the Games actually exotic robots crafted to please the eye?

Are the medals really gold, silver and bronze or are they fashioned out of lead-paint-laden imitation metal?

Is the Great Wall of China really a cardboard cut out?

Is the Forbidden City forbidden because it’s not really there?

Is Yao Ming really an elaborate 3-D digital prop? Chinese men don’t usually get that tall… just sayin’.

What about that adorable little singing Chinese girl? Was she really singing or was that really the voice of some fugly little girl who wasn’t cute enough for the ceremony?

The uncertainty is driving me mad! Damn you, China, and your illusions of grandeur!

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