Hollywood Riot

It’s official: I have Olympic fever! The opening night ceremony was uplifting and transcendental. After that spectacle of human achievement, the Games have only gotten better (except for the knife-wielding maniac, but honestly I’m still too awed by those human footprint firework displays to let that stab-happy jerk ruin the fun. Oh wait, those firework footprints were CGI? Damn, you could have fooled me!).

Still, the best was yet to come! As the Chinese flag (a beautiful McDonald’s Red and Yellow) was raised high above the Bird’s Nest Stadium, a young schoolgirl proceeded to open her magical tonsils up to the heavens. She sang the Chinese anthem perfectly, and her sparkling eyes and bobbing pigtails left even the mighty Russian weightlifting squad an emotional wreck for several hours. Turns out, the adorable schoolgirl was just acting the prop… she was not actually singing, silly. Nobody is perfect, right? Instead, officials borrowed the stellar voice of another (far uglier) Chinese schoolgirl and played that over the lip syncing cutesie pootsie. Just another example of the imaginative prowess and creative direction that’s going towards making these the greatest Games ever.

Hey, did you hear that Bill Gates of Microsoft fame was in Beijing soaking up the fun? No!? You’re obviously not subscribed to his blog over at billionairelylegal.com. Anyway, Big Bill was there and so was his much maligned half-rodent, half-carnival worker of an abandoned child named Vista.

If you’ve never seen that infamous Blue Screen of Death, you have never used Windows. Good thing the Chinese took Mr. Gates’ advice and installed ninety-three back up systems to keep the event running smoothly.

What’s going to happen next? Piranhas in the aquatics center? My god, Michael Phelps is nothing but pure muscle! He’ll be eaten alive… and that equals ratings Gold for NBC! (and its affiliates, several of which I own).

Honestly, I can’t predict the future. Seriously! That’s why I’m doing nothing but watching this exciting, action-packed Beijing Olympics for the next week or two, however long it lasts, and eating snacks the entire time. Even the commercials are thrilling. Every single ad features incredible looking humans replete with rippling muscles moving in slow motion. Jumping, diving, convorting, and contorting. That’s when I head to the kitchen and dive into the deep end of my pantry. Butter snaps? Check. Hot sauce and chips? Check. Beer? Weed? Check Check.

No matter what else turns out to be fake, the 2008 Olympics still looked way better than anything the 2008 Journey to the Center of the Earth had to offer. Hats off to those technical wizards at the People’s ILM for the most spellbinding work of fiction in history.

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