Hollywood Riot

Let’s take a break from all the bullshit and illusions in Beijing and focus on something real for a minute. Bigfoot has been found, people. Bigfoot!

Your average run-of-the-mill Bigfoot sighting is not news. Crazy bitches see Bigfoot everywhere. But when someone says they’ve got Bigfoot in a freezer… now, that’s news.

It’s hard to tell from the photo if that lump of frozen fur really is Bigfoot or not. I certainly hope not because that would mean Bigfoot is dead. And in some inbred’s venison freezer. That just doesn’t seem a proper fate for a creature who’s managed to remain hidden for thousands of years. Even Jesus Christ himself couldn’t catch Bigfoot (word is, he tried).

Am I really to believe these three numbskulls were able to catch the ever-elusive man-beast? Looks like the only thing they’d be capable of catching is chlamydia. Certainly they couldn’t have outsmarted Bigfoot!

Or could they? No one seems to know. Where’s the formal investigation surrounding this matter? Is everyone too busy with underage gymnasts and that Russia-Georgia hubbub to care about this story?

CNN Is calling the “policeman” and “former corrections officer” who say they’ve captured Bigfoot “credible sources.” That shady-looking guy in the middle, however, no one seems to know. Maybe that’s his illegitimate monkey child in the freezer.

Whatever that thing is, take it out of the box and either get cryogenic on it or give it a proper burial. If that really is Bigfoot, he deserves a little more respect than that.

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