Hollywood Riot

Scientists are hard at work discovering how and why everyday objects kill you. For your informational well-being, here is a partial list of what they’ve found so far:
 

:: Sticky tape :: 

Recently verified! Sticky tape shoots X-rays at you during use. You might want to stop doing this:

:: Rubber band :: 

Continuously emits CO2 while stretched. Never enter a small storeroom full of stretched rubber bands or you might just fall over unconscious, hit your head, and die.

:: Blue Blocker sunglasses :: 

These mess with your endocrine system, slowing your reflexes and making you crave high-fiber foods. We recommend moving to Florida and taking up shuffleboard. Death will find you.

:: BIC pen ink :: 

While harmless inside the pen, once exposed to oxygen the ink becomes radioactive with a half-life of 400 years. If you’ve ever experienced an “exploding pen,” you now have something in common with the citizens of Chernobyl: radiation poisoning. That usually kills people. 

:: TV Remote control :: 

Infrared light has been shown to give lab kittens ‘the clap‘. Is Dancing With the Stars really worth gonorrhea?

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With more ups and downs than Britney Spears’ career, the Dow Jones Industrial Average is making me totally seasick.

It’s like that one time I was all excited to go on a whale watch in San Diego, only the boat didn’t move for five hours as we “looked” for whales and instead just rocked up and down upon wave after nauseating wave and I puked in the little ship porta-potty even after the captain warned us not to do this but I didn’t care because I didn’t want anyone to see me puke over the side of the ship even though it wouldn’t have mattered because everyone else on the ship was just as sick as me and when I finally felt good enough to come out of the tiny bathroom I looked over in the corner and there was a half-eaten hot dog there for some reason and I totally lost my lunch right there on the deck and then so did three other people.

That’s how the Dow is making me feel.

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After prolonged and widespread abuse of the term “maverick,” (once defined as “one who doesn’t follow the rules”) by McCain, Palin, and their supporters, Merriam-Webster Dictionary has officially decided to change the definition.

Spokesman Fred Webster tells Hollywood Riot, “Listen, we just can’t take it anymore. The VP debate was the last straw. I think Palin said “maverick” 12 times. I kept thinking, if she says “maverick” one more time I’m going to pull my hair out. And then she’d say it one more time. Needless to say, my head really hurts today and I may need hair plugs now. But that’s beside the point. The point here is that the word is not being used as was intended. And since we’re Merriam-fucking-Webster, we’re changing the definition to fit the new use by and for John McCain.”

The new definition for “maverick” is as follows:

“A mildly-retarded douchebag”

Webster states that the secondary definition, “an unbranded range animal,” still applies and can be used interchangeably in this case.

“Now whenever McCain or Palin uses the word “maverick” to describe him or herself it will still be annoying as hell, but at least we’ll be in agreeance as to what it means,” says Webster.

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