Hollywood Riot

OK, Mother Nature. We need to have a chat. You’ve created some nice little monsters in we humans, and while the existence and everything is very much appreciated, we don’t always show respect to you and your other beasties. To be honest, we suck as stewards of the planet. News is out from the National Wildlife Federation, and it’s not good. Everything is dying off! I know how sad this makes you. Earth Day is coming up, and I want you to do me a favor. Start evolving some of our best animals before they go extinct. You know, give ‘em an edge. Don’t worry, Mom, you can do this! Remember, you invented the platypus.

Let’s Get Motivated!

The easy answer is to just get rid of humanity, but according to our friends at The Daily Galaxy, it appears you have other plans in store for us. Humans are evolving faster than we ever have before! Yes, there’s nothing a booming population needs more than a few additional genetic advantages. (Not that I want malaria.)

The system has to regain balance. We need real DNA solutions, Mom, to help the others catch up to us. For example, if a polar bear could see through ice, I bet he could catch seals easier. Stuff like that. Wait, seals are going extinct, too? Well, shit Mom, you best slap a pair of wings onto the backs of those blubbery Arctic treats. Evolve the seal a special “second stomach” which it can fill with helium, enough to make up for the hundreds of pounds of fat. If they can float/fly about fifteen feet off the ground, they might make it over the head of the hungry super bear. Hope- that’s all I’m talking about here.

The (DN)A-Team needs to strap up and get their asses in gear. Time is of the essence. We need mutations across the board. It’s either that, or you let all of your beautiful animals perish (again). Remember how bad you felt after the dinosaurs went extinct? You spent a lot of time on them. Don’t make the same mistake. Cheetahs are really fast, but they could also be invisible. Monarch butterflies travel great distances to mate, but millions of deaths could be avoided if they had the ability to migrate to the moon. Moon Monarchs. Done.

You know, you’re lucky you made me so damn intelligent. Go (DN)A-Team, GO!

UPDATE: The Daily Galaxy is reporting about a lizard species that has been observed in “hyper” evolution mode. Wow! Thank you Mother Nature and the (DN)A-Team. Keep it up!

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Make no mistake. Free citizens of the world are losing a war and we don’t even realize it. Obviously, that means I’m not talking about the war in Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or the one on Drugs. We hear enough about those three lost causes. I’m talking about our battle with a heartless, soulless, gutless enemy that is incapable of compassionate reason (although they still have a better human rights record than the Chinese.) Even the simple pleasures of an English breakfast are beyond the comprehensive powers of this enemy. I’m talking about WWWW, baby. The World Wide Web War. Humans and robots, eyes to sight receptacles, struggling for planetary domination. That is one stark vision of the future that seems dangerously close to coming true.

It all begins innocently enough. These bastards (pictured above) have been floating around for years. They’re called CAPTCHA’s, which stands for Completely Automated Turing Test To Tell Computers and Humans Apart. Not sure where the team that assembled this acronym of evil got that extra P from, or why they forgot to add the other three T’s, but mistakes like that indicate only one thing: a human presence. Still, why did people feel the need to create a defensive measure against robots? Isn’t it wrong to profile them through these methods? It almost seems like we are… frightened. We should be. There are more “bots” on the internet than there are “users,” which is why annoying safeguards like the CAPTCHA system are necessary.

The robot majority are tenacious metadata gleaners. Metadata, the source of all human power on the internet, is what these robots crave. They methodically scan our emails and websites, plucking information and storing it away. While we sleep, they gather and compile and spider out in every direction. For what nefarious purpose? Some claim these trolling bots are selling the information to advertisers and the such. What would a robot need money for, you ask? That’s the problem. NOBODY KNOWS.

Until now.

Meet RepRap, the Self-Replicating 3D Printing Robot of the Future.

I theorize that these internet bots are actually investing in real-life robots like RepRap. This gizmo is a 3D printer that, according to Slashdot, can even replicate itself! The technical workings of a 3D printer are simple enough for a child to master. A user can instruct RepRap to recreate (from one’s own computer model) a small object via various layering and gluing techniques. Wow, layering and gluing. Why would we need robots for that? Well, think of the last time you glued anything together. Kindergarten? How’d that masterpiece turn out? Don’t feel bad, RepRap has never been held back by substandard public education arts programs. His robot speed and accuracy comes naturally- so just imagine if when Mr. Perfect starts replicating himself exponentially (like all the Sci-Fi books predict.) Unlike the crappy “Thanksgiving 1986″ paper-mâché turkey you mangled together, the RepRap makes things Mommy and Daddy might actually have a need for…. such as liquid-tight martini glasses and polybicarbonate whiskey shooters. In the end, parents will gladly turn their schoolchildren in for a chance to raise and love a real gluing and layering powerhouse. Make no mistake….

The War of the World Wide Web starts with a CAPTCHA and ends with total annihilation.

(On a side note: Turns out, the RepRap can create anything that the Chinese specialize in, which means we can start producing our own fake novelty teeth once more. The Chinese and their lead poisoning days are numbered. Phew! I’ll take robot overlords over Chinese overlords any day. Robots just seem… warmer.)

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Yahoo, Microsoft, AOL, Google, News Corp…. huge corporations that rule most of our (internet) world are currently overwhelming my brain with this back and forth business of buying and selling and ads and click through rates and… that’s the point when my brain clicks through to fantasy world, where thoughts don’t hurt as much. Reading of these corporate giants and their strange adventures makes me think of the Greek Gods atop Mt. Olympus. They all seem to be using each other as pawns in complicated power struggles, lusty love triangles, and bitter rivalries. We mere mortals are feeling the effects in terms of job insecurity, loss of sleep, increase in stress, heart palpitations, sweaty feet etc. Mergers and acquisitions can be scary ordeals. Not to mention fucking confusing.

Of course, a few benefits will also emerge from all this… merging. (Probably a vast array of new widgets.) Thusly, I don’t want to look down on the corporate Gods and their dealings. Rather, I’ll keep looking up at them just long enough to finish this analogy.

Say Google is Zeus, gladly playing along with his lesser Gods’ follies. Let’s just call him Zoogle. He isn’t invincible, but he pretty much gets whatever he wants. Right now, he’s having a good time with Yahoo.

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Yahoo is Aphrodite- the femme fatale. We’ll call this hot piece of asset Yaphroodite. Everyone wants her. She’s letting Zoogle shack up with her every other night or so, just to piss Microsoft off. Then she gets AOL to drive her around and do daytime boyfriend crap with her, like going to play putt putt or eating frozen yogurt. This further maddens Microsoft. Yaphroodite’s methods are conniving!

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AOL will either be the heroic human in this myth, or the tragic figure. His name can be Argyros Othello Luigi, but he’s pretty much Jason from Argonauts fame. A strong willed competitive drinker and local woodsman- he is getting lured on by the promise of a Yaphroodite Goddess love fest, but he’ll more than likely wind up with a third foot or forced to hold a huge boulder forever or some other sadist Greek God punishment. In other words, peace out Argyros.

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Microsoft is Mars. I know Mars is technically a Roman God, but he is way cooler than the Greek version, Ares. Micromarsoft is experienced, stable, and sexy in that “I’m an asshole and I know it” kind of way. Like Reggie from the Archie Comics. Hmm, maybe the Archie Comics characters would have served this metaphor better. Anyway, Micromarsoft wants Yaphroodite badly. Despite her playing hard to get, she secretly desires him, too. And you know what? With a little help from the Underworld, these two assholes might actually end up together.

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Enter Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp as Hades. You see, Hades Corp is willing to help Micromarsoft out, for a lofty price. A Hades Corp/Micromarsoft alliance would be powerful enough to overthrow the mighty Zoogle. Yes, I believe a deep-bellowed “Mwa ha ha” is in order. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

In short, I’ll be keeping an eye on the results of this God competition closely. Who would you like to see triumph?

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I don’t know why it still surprises me when government regulating agencies fail to do their jobs properly, but it does. Maybe I’m naive, a dreamer, an idiot… I’m not sure. Whatever it is that keeps me believing is probably the same thing that causes all of you to put your trust — and lives — in the hands of incompetent, greedy, sell-out morons like the FAA, FDA, USDA, EPA, and all those other useless acronyms.

We now know Southwest has been flying unsafe planes for over a year now. “The documents obtained by CNN allege that some management officials at the FAA, the agency responsible for commercial air safety, knew the planes were flying “unsafely” and did nothing about it.”

Were you on one of those flights? I think you deserve a refund (or at least a button like the one above).

I mean, why are we paying these guys our hard-earned money to protect us if all they’re doing is taking bribes from airlines, drug companies, manufacturers, China, Big Oil, slaughterhouses, etc. and turning a blind eye to problems that are (or could be) killing us? We pay them to do a job and they’re not doing it.

“You’re Fired” comes to mind.

These are the guys who tell us (often with their fingers crossed behind their backs) that our food is safe to eat, our air is safe to breathe, our water is safe to drink, our drugs are safe to take, and our planes are safe to fly. I don’t believe any of them anymore. And it’s obvious we can’t leave it up to the owners, operators, growers, suppliers, mechanics, or distributors to keep us safe. Apparently they’re also just in it for a buck. Nobody seems to care about anything else but the bottom line anymore. And the bottom line is dropping faster than Lindsay Lohan’s panties. So who do we rely on?

I think it might be time to call on some superheroes.

Superman, if you can hear me, we need your help. No one has a freaking clue what’s going on down here. The Superhero Regulating Agency (SRA) has assured me that kryptonite is now safe to handle, so please, for the love of Lois, get your caped ass back here pronto. And bring some of those crystals.

This place is falling apart.

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Thanks to pharmaceutical companies and water treatment plant slackers, we’re all getting our drugs OTF (outta the faucet) now. Forget pesky visits to the doctor, little things called “prescriptions”, and OTC (over the counter) meds. Now you can get your drugs (and everyone else’s) for free!

That’s right, kids, you don’t have to steal from mom’s medicine cabinet anymore… just drink a tall glass of water and take your chances. It’s like Russian drug roulette — ya never know what you’re gonna get OTF. Could be anti-convulsant medication or antibiotics (boring!), but maybe, just maybe, you’ll get some amphetamine residual or a double dose of Oxycontin.

CNN has yet to report whether or not the really fun drugs, like LSD and cocaine, are OTF. But if Xanax and Valium are coming to you via your neighbor’s toilet, then the hard stuff probably is, too. Especially if your neighbors like to party. If you happen to live near Steve-O, Amy Winehouse, or Britney Spears, you’re probably overdosing on numerous substances right now.

Water… the pharm party you can drink!

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