Hollywood Riot

Looks like someone has been missing the spotlight…

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Why is that Boeing 747 flying so low over NYC? And why is it being chased by F-16s? Don’t worry, you’re not about to die- but you may be featured in a new coffee table book titled “Redux: When Disaster Strikes”. The White House department responsible for such things is busy at work recreating famous tragedies and photographing them from interesting angles. Once the book is released, proceeds will go towards revenge and general world-empire maintenance. Critics have called it a “waste of resources,” while others label it a “monstrosity”. The artist responsible, however, simply sees it as a way to enlighten the world.

“Zut alor, what is zee big deal?” exclaims famed French photographer Bobo, in between drags of his extra-long cigarette. “Ze people are so sensitive. I am painting ze canvass with ze blood of 20th century zealots. Wake up, damnit!”

While people were certainly spooked by the recent 9/11 recreation, officials were quick to point out the differences between the real disaster of 2001 and the artistic recreation of 2009.

“Well, for starters: the staged 747 never actually hits a building. Trust me, we had to fight Bobo on that.” said one state official. “He really wanted to capture some nouveau French something or other. We put our foot down.”

The “Redux” team is currently prepping their next photo op: the Hindenburg disaster.

“I want to capture ze real panic of ze moment,” gushed an excited Bobo. “So we’re going to light several hundred helium-filled weather balloons on fire and throw them at ze people. Wake up, you are burning to death over your own sense of self-worth!”

After several minutes of raucous laughter, Bobo paused and added, “Of course, not really.”

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Statistics show that a full quarter of American citizens are in a constant state of being pissed off. It doesn’t seem to matter who is in office, how strong our economy is, or who is winning ‘American Idol’ – there will be always be 25% of us that simply hate it.

President Obama seems to think he can win over this elusive sector of the populace, which is now made up entirely of the people who were quite content under the previous administration. Unfortunately, Obama’s policy of shaking hands and smiling at everyone he meets seems to be having the opposite of his intended effect. Ex-VP Dick Cheney simply can’t come to terms with this New World Order. He doesn’t understand how Obama can hold talks with any world leader that thinks George W. Bush was an idiot.

Well, the other 75% of us believe that point of view should count as some kind of litmus test.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Will there be an even bigger surprise cameo than (sshh!) Mandy Moore at Inauguration Day? Rumors are flying around the Capitol that Barack Obama’s obsession with Abraham Lincoln has grown to preposterous heights. One top Hill GOPer was quoted as saying “This is getting bizarre. I heard he took a midnight Air Force One trip to visit Lincoln’s Tomb in Illinois. What the heck for?”

We sent a young intern on a bus trip to Springfield, Illinois armed with only a voice recorder, coupons for 5 free Subway sandwiches, an alert whistle, and a Monster House digital camera we got from the Froot Loops. Before we lost contact with her, we learned the following details:

• On a ravaging cold, blustery January morning in Springfield, Illinois , a strange type of de-construction was underway at the Oak Ridge Cemetery. 
• Several large men were seen carrying a wooden coffin-like box out of Abraham Lincoln’s Tomb. 
• Several other, smaller men were witnessed building some sort of device they kept calling “The Anti-John Wilkes Booth”.
• Barack Obama emerges at one point to test the machine. It fires a bright light at the wooden coffin-like box. Everyone gasps, then cheers. 

If Obama has indeed re-animated the corpse of Lincoln in order to give some kind of historic Inauguration Day speech, we can’t wait to hear what 144 years of afterlife has taught him.  If it’s for evil purposes then, well, that’s certainly not the kind of Change I signed up for. Just remember when George W. Bush tried to re-animate Ben Franklin back in 2004….

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot