Hollywood Riot

It’s no secret that many of New Zealand’s native animal species are unique to the area. Take Hobbits for example. Or their archenemy, the Orc. Being isolated for millions of years will do that to an ecosystem. Apparently, whatever causes this drive to be “different” is imbued in the land. New Zealand parents are bestowing their babies with such ridiculous names that Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Cold Play, are thinking of sending their girl to preschool there. You see, her birth name is Apple iPod Paltrow-Play, which helps her stand out amongst all the other world famous five-year-olds in her class. Sorry sweetie, but England only has room for one fruit and his name is Boy George… which is still a more respectable title than many newborns get stuck with. Back in the day, Frank Zappa got away with naming his daughter Moon Unit. Everybody laughed. Nobody thought the sick joke would actually catch on, let alone become fashionable.

However, New Zealand is finally taking a stand against a few extremely inhumane names. This past week, a sane NZ judge declared that nine-year-old schoolgirl Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii will no longer have to suffer through life with such a nonsensical moniker. She had to become a ward of the court and is evidently battling her idiot/free-spirited parents for emancipation. They might think of their child as a cosmic plaything, but in reality she faced ridicule and shame because of their thoughtless decision. Yet, let’s play devil’s advocate and say they put lots of thought into her name - I wonder if she was conceived in Hawaii? During a hula dance-off? Maybe the couple won the dance-off and realized they loved each other. Then the Father slugged Biff and the Mother couldn’t resist the temptation of unsafe sex in the janitor’s break room. You know, a real “Under the Sea” moment. If true, that’s some pivotal history that Talula never considered. Man, she’s a buzz kill.

In the end, the court honored Talula’s request. But wrap your head around the following names that the New Zealand courts have, in the past, permitted:

Real Name: Midnight Chardonnay
Meaning: A slinky seductress; fast woman.

The inspiration for this child’s name is derived from the type of vino her ‘rents were sluggin’ before they got down to business. All in all, a less-than-classy nod to that magical evening of box wine, Dirty Jenga, and drunken procreation. They might as well have named their kid Whore Juice, as that’s a synonym for Midnight Chardonnay and also a proper description of what it does to women. The only people who drink this stuff are prostitutes and gypsies. Go Mom!

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Real Name: Number 16 Bus Shelter
Meaning: Nothing worthwhile was ever created at a bus shelter.

Destined to be one of the Top Ten biggest losers on Earth, this young one will never forget his roots - or ever be able to escape them. Yes, Number 16, your Mom & Dad made you while waiting for the 2AM Express to Wellington. Yet, instead of honoring you with a (relatively) cool name like Express, Greyhound, or even Double Decker… they chose to immortalize the filthy bench and slab of concrete which provided a stable-enough-for-intercourse gateway to your existence.

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Real Name: Violence
Meaning: Watch out for this motherfucker.

While, in some respects, Violence is the most convenient name of the bunch - it’s also the most terrifying. This kid’s parents might be hoping he rebels against the label, and grows up with better control of his emotional range than most. Unfortunately, they are dead wrong. Instead of running from his name, Violence will embrace it. Accept it. Be it. Why not? It’s intimidating. By the age of 12, he’ll be the most feared Assistant Manager that Arby’s has ever seen. If the name tag isn’t proof enough, his bloody knuckles sure will be. That’s Mister Violence to you.

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It seems we humans have a natural tendency to name everything. It’s order, it’s shared knowledge - names identify people, places, and things. Parents have the power to identify their child to the world this way. Some choose names based on their root meaning - strength, hope, or in my case: ‘bringer of peace’. It’s a big responsibility, so choose wisely.

And whatever you do, don’t decide your baby’s name by throwing darts at the Classifieds. We don’t need another Five Hundred Dollars Or Best Offer running around, getting kidnapped every few hours.

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While we were trolling the anals annals of Youtube late last night, the Riot found this compelling video that explores the only reasons you could possibly have for voting Republican in 2008 (now that Ron Paul isn’t on the ticket)… you must be a huge douche bag.

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Don’t elect this aging veto-happy idiot. He wants to veto every single beer!

“And their names are… Budweiser, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light, Heineken, Amstel Light, Corona, Stella Artois, Guinness,” he said. “I will veto every light beer, every ale, every amber, every porter, and every dark beer. I will veto Mexican beer, Norwegian beer, Canadian beer, and Belizean beer. I will veto every single last beer on the face of this planet and then I’ll veto some more beer. I’ll veto every single stinkin beer in every last bar, cooler, and refrigerator in the world. Muahahahaha! Veto, veto, veto, veto, beer, beer, beer, veto, beer, veto, beer, blah, blah… (pause) Wait, where am I?”

Hey McCain, keep your stupid Sharpie away from our beer!
Veto this, you old fogy.

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Last week, a rampaging donkey was placed in a Mexico jail until he calmed down. Now the Mexican Navy (who knew that existed?) is on the hunt for a giant killer fish that devoured two swimmers and injured a third. One local Mexican fisherman estimated the shark was “as big as a house.” We later confirmed he meant his house, which puts the size of this beast at between 15 and 20 feet.

The Mexican Navy ran into some serious trouble, and called on G.W. Bush and the CIA for help. The embarrassed Mexican Navy may have embellished the threat. The following video explains everything… in a way.

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Let me guess, he wrote his own speech?

Memorial Day is a sombre time of remembrance, especially while we wage two wars and lose young men and women almost every day. George W. Bush, the Commander in Chief responsible for the most costly military blunder in U.S. history, had these moving words to share with the grieving family members of fallen soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery:

“On this Memorial Day, I stand before you as the commander in chief and try to tell you how proud I am,” Bush told an audience of military figures, veterans and their families at Arlington National Cemetery. Of the men and women buried in the hallowed cemetery, he said, “They’re an awesome bunch of people and the United States is blessed to have such citizens.” 

That’s it? They’re… awesome? The brave men and women who have given their lives to this country deserve a better accolade than that. Are you the President of the United States of America or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? The scientists and engineers at NASA, who successfully touched down the Phoenix Mars Lander yesterday, are an awesome bunch of people. Maybe he just got confused and thought he was congratulating the scientists. Soldier and Scientist both start with S, after all. Wouldn’t surprise me. 

For a very moving Memorial Day story, check out this NPR story concerning Sgt. Merlin German, the “Miracle Man”. And thank you to all the soldiers and their families.

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