Hollywood Riot

Snow Queen, the supposed “ice patch” that was uncovered by the Mars Phoenix Lander, is not ice at all. Upon further inspection, it appears to be part of the fossilized remains of a large, carnivorous creature. Radio spectrometry and X-ray magnification imaging from the Phoenix Lander has revealed the overall shape of the mystery object, which remains hidden under several inches of Martian soil - not to mention the Lander itself:

The shocking revelation was at first dismissed by every scientist at NASA (save for Dr. Melvin Monroe, a rather odd and tempestuous man). However, microscopic test results from the first scoop of Martian soil clearly show fragments that resemble the structure of fossilized bone here on Earth. We cornered the elusive Dr. Monroe for an explanation:

“Listen, we’re not sure what this is. Could be an anomaly, or it’s possible that contamination has occurred. Either way, it’s not a damn dinosaur so please shut up and get out of the men’s room.”

Whoa, did he say dinosaur?! Dr. Monroe let the sabertooth cat out of the bag with his statement from the stall, and he immediately - yet unsuccessfully - tried to backpedal.

“What I mean, is that it’s just an ice patch, of course. An ice patch that happens to look an awful lot like, well… the skull of a Tyrannosaur.”

Too late. I needed to know the truth. Several hours later, Dr. Monroe really wanted to get off the toilet so he told me everything. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true. Dinosaurs once roamed ancient Mars. Dr. Monroe’s interpretation goes something like this:

“Hundreds of millions of years ago, intelligent beings on Mars had built a thriving society. We would be surprised to learn how much we had in common with our “alien cousins.” These gentle and humble Martians, physically frail but mentally strong, loved to play games of all different types. Unfortunately, they were also plagued by endless wars and an unstable environment. Sound familiar? At the time, Earth was ruled by giant ferocious monsters… the dinosaurs. Many brave Martian explorers would travel to Earth for various reasons, but none chose to remain very long. The planet was simply too dangerous. In fact, the most severe punishment a Martian could receive was to be banished and given a one-way ticket to Earth. The majority of these criminals were eaten within hours. This gruesome judicial tradition went on for a million years, before a wise Martian leader decided the cost of sending each criminal to Earth would be better spent bringing a few of the Earth monsters back home to Mars. The subsequent missions to Earth were treacherous, and many Martian commandos died trying to retrieve eggs from the more protective predator mothers. Yet, succeed they did. The eggs hatched and the babies grew quickly in the rich Martian landscape. Crowds of thousands would gather to see the young dinosaurs and marvel at their alien features. When the dinosaurs had reached maturity, they were allowed to become executioners. Guilty murderers and traitors were tossed in to pits and pens with the beasts, never to be seen or heard from again.” 

As we all know, the Martian atmosphere eventually dried up and all life on the Red Planet was extinguished. Earth was going through its own brutal Ice Age, which prevented the mass migration of Martians and their families to our world. Millions of more years flowed by. Earth recovered, but Mars never did. Now, at last, we’re beginning to understand the fascinating history of our two sister planets. 

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According to scientists, traveling all the way to Mars may be “stressful” and “cause unknown mental issues”. In more shocking news, Mars is really far away and landing there is really dangerous. To borrow a term from the 80’s… duh!

Members of “The Mars Society,” who may have a head start on the crazy anyway, are determined to make it to the “New World.” These people, all 7,000 of them, are researching ways to live and work on Mars. The only problem is, the voyagers might kill each other before they even get there…

The numbers of men and women, their ages and even cultural upbringings must be carefully calculated to try to prevent what could be potentially devastating cosmic quarrels. “You can’t just take a walk and get away from somebody,” Kanas said.

Nor will astronauts really be able to talk to anyone, either — at least not on Earth — mainly because of a 44-minute communication delay between the Blue and Red planets, “which means you can’t have a nice chat with your kids,” said Kanas. “You are so far away; you really are isolated.”

No shit. You’re going to Mars for crying out loud. If you wanted to have a “nice chat with your kids” you probably wouldn’t be going to Mars in the first place. But don’t worry, soon enough you’ll be having “nice chats” with all those angry voices in your head. “Kill them all, Samuel”… “Just open the hatch”… “You don’t need that air”… and so on.

If you’re thinking about taking a trip to Mars, you better be ready to go a little insane in the membrane. Remember Lisa Nowak, the crazy Discovery astronaut? She wore diapers all the way to Florida or some shit. She didn’t even go to Mars - she just went to the space station and look what happened to her… she wore diapers to Florida!

Losing visual contact with Earth will probably make you feel like you’re, well, out of this world! Astronauts and space pioneers be forewarned, traveling into the deep realms of outer space, searching for Martians, and attempting to land on a planet upon which you cannot breathe and don’t really belong, may stress you out a little bit. Just saying.

Let’s put this into perspective. People go to Iraq and come back nuttier than squirrel turds. Imagine what will happen when they start coming back from Mars? The human mind is a fragile thing. Expect a whole host of new mental issues when people start galavanting off to Mars.

And what if the toilet breaks again? That’s enough to send an edgy astronaut right off the pot, so to speak. Floating around in your own squirrel turds is enough to make the sanest man lose it completely.

I guess if these space pioneers do go crazy up there, we wouldn’t necessarily have to bring them home. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just send them to Youranus.

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I can’t decide whether to feel bad for this guy or laugh at him. Seriously, it’s just so sad. I mean, every little kid who has ever been to a birthday party knows you can’t let go of a helium balloon and expect it to stay put. It’s filled with helium for crying out loud.

French skydiver Michael Fournier was mortally embarrassed this morning as his high-altitude helium balloon - the one he was supposed to skydive out of in the stratosphere (the real stratosphere, not the ride in Vegas)- escaped the grasps of his obviously-retarded flight crew. I mean, didn’t he check these guys out before he handed his multi-million dollar space balloon over to them? Didn’t he make them read this?

Fournier was supposed to set a bunch of world records with his 40,000 km jump from the edge of space. He spent his life savings, sold all of his possessions, and spent the last 20 years preparing for this. But all he managed to do was watch the balloon float up, up, and away without him in it. He was supposed to be in it! At least he didn’t stake all his hopes and dreams on that little bitty space balloon. Oh wait, he did. Fournier has made the jump his life’s work at a cost of nearly $20 million.

It’s probably just as well. If anything went wrong up there, which it undoubtedly would have, his blood would have boiled for crying out loud. Let me repeat that - his blood would have boiled. Boiled, like soup, or some old guy’s ass.

Maybe the balloon’s escape was God’s way of saying, “Hey moron, you don’t belong up here. Stay on the ground where I putcha.”

Or like I said before, maybe his flight crew was just retarded.

Either way, Frenchy is pissed.

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Many people find it hard to believe that we’ve explored space more thoroughly than the deepest depths of our oceans, but it’s true. And there’s a pretty good reason for that (besides the fact the water pressure down there will snap you like a twig). Everything down there is so damn ugly. Ugly with a capital F.

Have you ever seen photos of deep-sea creatures? Stephen King couldn’t imagine scarier-looking life forms. For real… check it out. Here are a few bottom dwellers I’d rather not ever encounter. Ever. The last two even bear an uncanny resemblance to celebrities…

The Rattail. No, not that hideous looking strand of hair that used to hang down your brother’s back in the 80’s. Although that was ugly, the rattail fish is even worse. How’d you like to run into this thing in the swimming pool?

The Sabre Tooth. Guess what? Sabre Tooths are not extinct. They just live miles below the surface. And they have fluorescent blue eyeballs now.

Alien Fish. I don’t know if that’s this thing’s real name, but it’s fitting don’t you think? Original, no. Fitting, yes.

Cucumber Fish. Looks a little like Rocky from that Cher movie ‘Mask’. Remember that movie? These guys never see the light of day, and I bet Cher and her biker boyfriend are pissed about it.

Tentacle Fish. Hmmm. Delightful. What’s all that crap coming out of its body? Looks like Amy Winehouse after a night out with Pete Doherty. Like I said, it’s not pretty.

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Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

- Han Solo, Captain of the Millennium Falcon.

Han’s got a point. While the entire Star Wars saga revolves around the very idea that a hokey religion and an ancient weapon are, in fact, more than a match for a blaster, the Force isn’t very applicable in real life. At least, not in the original sense. Next time you’re pulled over, try waving your hands around in the cop’s face, whispering “You will let me go” like a drunk magician and see what happens. Seriously, do it. You never know, he might find it funny and choose to ignore the dead hooker in your backseat.

Using the Force would be bad ass, but the downside is you have to be a celibate monk in order to master it. With that said, you can stop being jealous of the following alien accomplishments as well:

X-Ray Vision  

Now that Lois had a full mastectomy at age 29, we can definitely argue that Supes’ X-Ray vision causes the cancer. We also know Superman is a giant perv who can’t keep his goddamn radioactive eyes off Ms. Lane’s ample human lady lumps. 

Teleportation

Would you have been the first patient to sign up for a trial run at Lasik eye surgery? How about teleportation? It looks great on Star Trek, but they never talk about the hundreds of lab chimps who were eviscerated while testing early prototypes. No, no, it’s all “Beam me up, Scotty!” and perfect molecular reorganization on TV. Well, imagine what it feels like to have your head beamed down to Venus and your torso beamed up to a Kuiper Belt object. Thanks, but I’m taking the stairs.

A Mother Ship

Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. While having a mother ship carries few advantages, it’s a giant bulls-eye target we humans find irresistible. Case in point: Independence Day. The invader’s mother ship was a quarter of the mass of the moon, and was used to launch dozens of fifteen mile-wide destroyer crafts to Earth. We’re not sure if it’s a case of underestimating your enemy or simply bad writing, but if that movie taught us anything it’s to always keep your mother ship’s sensitive computer components well-protected behind a hardy firewall. You know, just in case Jeff Goldblum is floating around with a Bluetooth-enabled Mac and a nasty virus. OK, it is simply bad writing. But still, give us shaved apes a little bit of credit and assume we’ve read The Art of War.

Telepathy

Space evolution rocks. Through the magic of telepathy, Mother Nature figured out a way for intelligent beings to communicate without the hassle of hand signals or saliva, but it’s not without costs. The whole mind control possibility alone gives ample food for thought. Why, you wouldn’t be able to trust your own brother, and that sucks. A set of vocal cords would be nice, that’s all I’m saying. I’m not expecting Mr. Martian to enunciate perfectly, but if they want to live in America then they should learn to speak English… at least as well as the aliens currently working at my local Jack in the Box.

Anything the Garbage Pail Kids can do

What, you didn’t know they came to Earth in a spacefaring garbage can? Did you miss the seminal 1987 film or the piles of trading cards or were you too busy collecting real things like stamps and butterflies to notice? Well, the GPK are disgusting alien children with names like Windy Winston and Bony Tony. They actually represent everything that was awesome about the 80s, but unless you’re four years old, the fantasy of an endless supply of fart powder and vomit juice is just not feasible. You’d piss off too many of your co-workers, for one.

Ah, forget your co-workers. We’ll let dirty Superman give the busty gals boob tumors and Scotty can beam the boss’ entrails to Sea World (Shamu loves intestines). The remaining co-workers go under mind control and you can then easily transform the company into a multinational conglomerate worth billions, puking and picking your nose the whole time. Hmm, these are great powers to have if you’re evil….

Just remember to protect your mother ship.

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