Hollywood Riot

It’s no secret that many of New Zealand’s native animal species are unique to the area. Take Hobbits for example. Or their archenemy, the Orc. Being isolated for millions of years will do that to an ecosystem. Apparently, whatever causes this drive to be “different” is imbued in the land. New Zealand parents are bestowing their babies with such ridiculous names that Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Cold Play, are thinking of sending their girl to preschool there. You see, her birth name is Apple iPod Paltrow-Play, which helps her stand out amongst all the other world famous five-year-olds in her class. Sorry sweetie, but England only has room for one fruit and his name is Boy George… which is still a more respectable title than many newborns get stuck with. Back in the day, Frank Zappa got away with naming his daughter Moon Unit. Everybody laughed. Nobody thought the sick joke would actually catch on, let alone become fashionable.

However, New Zealand is finally taking a stand against a few extremely inhumane names. This past week, a sane NZ judge declared that nine-year-old schoolgirl Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii will no longer have to suffer through life with such a nonsensical moniker. She had to become a ward of the court and is evidently battling her idiot/free-spirited parents for emancipation. They might think of their child as a cosmic plaything, but in reality she faced ridicule and shame because of their thoughtless decision. Yet, let’s play devil’s advocate and say they put lots of thought into her name - I wonder if she was conceived in Hawaii? During a hula dance-off? Maybe the couple won the dance-off and realized they loved each other. Then the Father slugged Biff and the Mother couldn’t resist the temptation of unsafe sex in the janitor’s break room. You know, a real “Under the Sea” moment. If true, that’s some pivotal history that Talula never considered. Man, she’s a buzz kill.

In the end, the court honored Talula’s request. But wrap your head around the following names that the New Zealand courts have, in the past, permitted:

Real Name: Midnight Chardonnay
Meaning: A slinky seductress; fast woman.

The inspiration for this child’s name is derived from the type of vino her ‘rents were sluggin’ before they got down to business. All in all, a less-than-classy nod to that magical evening of box wine, Dirty Jenga, and drunken procreation. They might as well have named their kid Whore Juice, as that’s a synonym for Midnight Chardonnay and also a proper description of what it does to women. The only people who drink this stuff are prostitutes and gypsies. Go Mom!

—-

Real Name: Number 16 Bus Shelter
Meaning: Nothing worthwhile was ever created at a bus shelter.

Destined to be one of the Top Ten biggest losers on Earth, this young one will never forget his roots - or ever be able to escape them. Yes, Number 16, your Mom & Dad made you while waiting for the 2AM Express to Wellington. Yet, instead of honoring you with a (relatively) cool name like Express, Greyhound, or even Double Decker… they chose to immortalize the filthy bench and slab of concrete which provided a stable-enough-for-intercourse gateway to your existence.

—-

Real Name: Violence
Meaning: Watch out for this motherfucker.

While, in some respects, Violence is the most convenient name of the bunch - it’s also the most terrifying. This kid’s parents might be hoping he rebels against the label, and grows up with better control of his emotional range than most. Unfortunately, they are dead wrong. Instead of running from his name, Violence will embrace it. Accept it. Be it. Why not? It’s intimidating. By the age of 12, he’ll be the most feared Assistant Manager that Arby’s has ever seen. If the name tag isn’t proof enough, his bloody knuckles sure will be. That’s Mister Violence to you.

—–
—–

It seems we humans have a natural tendency to name everything. It’s order, it’s shared knowledge - names identify people, places, and things. Parents have the power to identify their child to the world this way. Some choose names based on their root meaning - strength, hope, or in my case: ‘bringer of peace’. It’s a big responsibility, so choose wisely.

And whatever you do, don’t decide your baby’s name by throwing darts at the Classifieds. We don’t need another Five Hundred Dollars Or Best Offer running around, getting kidnapped every few hours.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Which Earth items will make it to Mars, and what should we call them?

Recent soil samples from Mars reveals a rich chemistry very similar to the dirt in your own backyard. Scientists even went so far as to say asparagus would grow especially well on the Red Planet. Now, one of the fun things about the future that we will probably miss out on is getting to re-name all the Earth stuff for Mars. Like humans do. England becomes New England, lorries become trucks and on and on. So I’d like to challenge all of you to think of a modern product/produce/utility/animal and re-name it for Mars.

For example: Since asparagus will be so common, that will definitely need a new name. Let’s brainstorm - sorry epileptics - Mars: The land of Asparagus. Asmarsagus. Marsparagus. Asparamarsgus…

Leave a comment below with your own Martian re-branding!

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Who is Jessica Bruinsma? For one, she’s got her sights set on running a marathon. Beyond that, we’re not quite sure. All we know is that the 24-year-old American went a hikin’ in the snowy mountains of Germany and got lost. Normally, this story ends thousands of years in the future when archaeologists of the age thaw her remains and put them on display in the Smithsonian. Yet, fate stepped in and spared the aspiring athlete. According to CNN:

“An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border.”

No word on what happened to that “friend,” but we’re glad to report Jessica has been rescued - thanks to a little bit of Yankee ingenuity. After losing herself in bad weather, she fell off a cliff and (stop laughing) dislocated her shoulder. Luckily, there was a supply box nearby with plenty of water, and some kind of mechanical lift system within reach. Confident that five helicopters and 80 emergency workers would be out looking for her - the daring marathon participant from America - she laid low and drank that kick ass supply box water for the next 70 hours. At some point between hour zero and hour seventy, she got proactive and whipped off her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and tossed it around the mechanical lift system (which was broken). Thankfully, she was hiking in Germany - where mechanical things don’t stay broken for long. As soon as it got moving, Jessica’s bra made its way down the mountain towards parts unknown. Some lowly woodsman (who doesn’t even deserve to be named in the CNN article) finds the bra and informs his superior that “Sumpin’ awry up them hills” - except, of course, he says this in German. Within minutes, the entire Alpine Rescue Team is fired. In their stead, a group of locals drags the girl out of that icy grave alive and well. Police Officer Rasp was first to stick his face in front of a microphone:

“She did so well because she is in very good shape,” Officer Rasp said. “She has been training for a marathon — her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes.”

Bruinsma told Officer Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training.

Thanks to her underwear, Jessica’s dream of running long distances for no reason remains intact. For this fact alone, we feel she would make a perfect Victoria’s Secret spokesperson. She can sure use the support.

And what about her heroic brassiere? Well, let’s just say those ingenious Germans have paid notice…

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Looks like California is continuing the “So, This is What Freedom Looks Like” campaign by legalizing same-sex unions. I guess they figured now that medicinal marijuana is legal and not a single baby has been eaten by a stoned mother, it’s safe to assume legalizing gay unions will not slippery slope marriage right off the globe either. People will not be allowed to marry just anything (no matter how much you love your goddamn iPhone).

Octogenarians Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin were the first, and hopefully oldest, couple to get legally married in San Francisco last week. Thanks to Cinemax, I pictured same-sex marriage being… sexier. Anyway, we wish them a happy honeymoon at Ensure® World Senior Fun Center in delightful (but not too delightful) Tampa Bay, Florida.

Ah, Phyllis and Del. You ancient temptresses. Your courtship has lasted 55 years and things sure aren’t slowing down now that you’re married. Keep it hot, ladies. I’m sure those hard-luck farmers in Iowa are going to be delighted to hear about your story of love and determination, which will in turn take their minds off of ruined crops and floating barns. You see, hope springs eternal in the heart of an Iowan corn farmer, so they say, as it does in the heart of every oppressed citizen. Your courage and longevity is no doubt an inspiration. That said…

Please, never kiss each other in public again. Ever.

Thanks and best of luck!!

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Many people are sticking close to home this summer, due to food riots, gas shortages, or just the normal lack of planning. These penny pinchers are also denying their children camping trips and swim lessons in lieu of “rising wheat prices” (whatever that means.) Who needs crap like precious memories and buoyancy? Studies show that most children prefer whole-wheat PB & J sandwiches to doggy paddling anyway (Study provided by the Wheat Council). With all this in mind, may the Riot suggest a few alternatives to the otherwise commonplace themes that define the Hot American Summer?

First of all, we need to conserve water. The Governator just declared a drought here in California. Some say water is the next oil. Drinking the stuff is OK, but leave swimming and bathing to creatures that have no other choice - like wild salmon and legendary Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Instead of Slip N Slide try Peel UR Hide. No water required! Just throw down a cheap plastic sheet and let the summer rays do the rest. After a few hours, an invisible layer of polymer soup should form on top. Don’t worry, it’s there. You’ll get just enough lubrication to make the trip, and the throbbing red welts you receive will offer a refreshing alternative to those cancer causing sunburns.

Secondly, don’t fall for a summer camp scam that will see your summer camp scamps truly disappointed. Look out for hidden costs and don’t believe everything you read in a glossy pamphlet. There’s no such thing as a “Kool-Aid Inflation Tax.” Just because the name of the camp is in the Algonquin language doesn’t make it noble or proud or even Native American. Most summer camps are owned by the Chinese, where “Arts & Crafts Time” is really a euphemism for “Hello Kitty and knock-off Gucci wallet-making time.”

The historically unpopular idea of summer school needs to be re-packaged as well. Summer provides just enough time to get sunburnt, complain about the heat, lose your keys at an amusement park, sweat profusely, and get sick of all the songs on the radio three times over. It’s really not that much fun, but compared to the drudgery of public school it feels like a true blessing. There’s no reason why we can’t combine the joys of summer with the thrill of education. Biology on the Beach, anyone? Kids need to know the difference between a jellyfish and a plastic bag, and both can be found in multitude on any American shoreline.

There you have it. Great ideas for a great summer. Enjoy!

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot