Hollywood Riot

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Created by Geoffrey and James Gardner.

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Most people would be upset if they damaged or lost their iPod, but not local man Danny Deggard. The former Harvey’s Treats ice cream parlor manager was out for a stroll last Wednesday afternoon, listening to music from a 7-month-old iPod Touch device located in the back pocket of his jeans, when Danny felt the gadget heat up.

“The friggin’ thing caught my ass on fire,” said Mr. Deggard.

A recreation of that fateful day.

As soon as Danny realized the iPod was ablaze, he pulled it from his pocket and subsequently scorched his hands.

“It was just like pulling a cookie sheet out of the oven without a mitt,” Mr. Deggard said, as he raised his palms to show us his horrible scarring.

When he tried to pat his hands out on his pants, the cheap polyurethane fibers lit up as well. Luckily, local woman Emily Stantson was out jogging and witnessed the iPod incident. She quickly poured the contents of her water bottle on Mr. Deggard and the fire was soon contained.

“Well, Danny looked just like one of those dried Christmas trees you see people using for bonfires,” said Ms. Stantson. “Except he was screaming obscenities and rolling around in the gutter.”

Adding insult to injury, a pant-less, soaking wet and burnt Mr. Deggard had to wait 25 minutes in front of gawking neighbors before an ambulance arrived.

“I didn’t have any change for laundry so I was wearing my stand-by briefs, which are really tight. They leave nothing to the imagination,” he added.

One might understand if this horror story sent Danny into a tailspin of depression, but that would be the furthest thing from the truth. It has since been determined that the iPod had a faulty battery which caused the device to explode. Mr. Deggard, who gets by on unemployment benefits, is now suing iPod manufacturer, Apple, for an estimated $3 million.

“I guess good things do come to those who wait,” added Danny, who has had no luck in finding a new job. “I bought the iPod when I had some cash, but never thought it would turn out to be the best investment I ever made. Suck it, Wall Street!”

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The art world was shocked to learn that Vincent Van Gogh did not cut his own ear off, as famously reported. Instead, his lobe was hacked off by fellow artist Gauguin outside of a brothel. So why did Van Gogh make up the story of slicing his own body part off? Perhaps because he was too embarrassed to admit that he had lost the severed chunk of ear- in a can of processed mini-wieners!

Flash forward to modern day Pennsylvania. It’s here at the Bloxie Meats meat packing facility that we are introduced to Harry Depitti, long time Bloxie employee and current man of the hour. Last Tuesday at 1PM, Mr. Depitti was finishing up his lunch break and walking past an assembly line churning out cans of Bloxie’s Finest Mini-Wieners when he noticed one can was bulging at the side. Fearful that the receptacle was under intense pressure and about to explode, Harry signaled the foreman to stop the machinery. When Mr. Depitti held the bulging metal can in his hands, he knew something was very wrong indeed.

“I’ve been at Bloxie’s for 35 years,” said Mr. Depitti. “And I’ve seen can bulges of all types. Pressure bulges, irregular metal bulges, chemically induced bulges, bulges caused by falling. You get the idea. But this bulge… felt different. So I cracked her open and had a looksie.”

What popped out of that can was no ordinary mini-wiener.

“It sure looked like an ear to me.” said Harry Depitti.

An ear it was. A human ear to be precise. The police were called in to investigate, but after a thorough inspection officers confirmed that none of the 165 Bloxie employees were missing an ear. However one worker, Julian Vanderjoot, was a novice art expert with an interesting theory.

“I surmise that the ear belongs to none other than Vincent Van Gogh. It’s the right age, the right shape, and there are even little drops of paint visible on the lobe. The master artist deliberately set about using colors to capture mood and emotion, rather than using colors realistically, and this drop of cadmium yellow simply screams Van Gogh.”

The last piece of the puzzle came to light when Bloxie Meats historian Lulu Oleander revealed a direct company connection to the Dutch artist.

“Turns out Vincent’s uncle, Larry Van Gogh, was a founding partner in Bloxie Meats. His wounded nephew might have easily hid the ear in crates of pig organs destined for America. Ear-less shame might have driven him to dispose of the lobe and make up the fake backstory.”

The question remains: How did the century old ear end up in a can of fresh mini-wieners? Once again, Lulu Oleander has a compelling idea.

“Look around. This place is filthy. If it’s not Van Gogh’s ear today, it will be some kind of rodent carcass tomorrow,” he said with a sigh.

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Those wacky Somali-based pirates have been raging lately. Stealing the Sirius Star oil tanker is no easy feat, and experts agree that nobody knows how to properly handle the situation. The rogues, who fashion themselves after Captain Jack Sparrrow of Disney fame, are simply ‘star struck terrorists‘ according to US Admiral Pete Smythe.

“Oh, they think Jack Sparrow is so cool. Most of the pirate pubs have posters of the pretend Captain hanging behind the bar, and everyone dresses like him– which is to say, not at all like a real pirate.”

"We will fuck you up. Seriously."

The Somali pirates are even implementing Sparrow’s most dastardly pirate tricks.

“You remember the scene where he pretends to steal one boat, then somehow sneaks over and steals the really fast British ship instead? Well, they’ve done that to us three times,” claimed a seemingly exhausted Smythe. “Right out of the Cap’n Jack playbook. These are terrorists acting like pirates and they are obsessed with a goddamn fairy tale. We freak out when these guys hijack an airplane, but slap on an eyepatch and everyone simply swoons.”

Due to the number of years that the popular, swashbuckling character has existed in the pantheon of pop culture, millions of tons of unlicensed merchandise has either ended up in the trash or lost at sea. When a shipping container stuffed with Captain Jack Sparrow halloween costumes and several bootleg copies of Pirates of the Caribbean II washed ashore the small town of Eyl, the scene was set. It wasn’t long before an army of Jack Sparrow-lookalike pirates were ready to take to the high seas for plunder and glory.

“Last year, these men were sustaining themselves on bread made out of redwood sawdust and ground glass. Now, they’re hijacking oil tankers and living like kings in their pirate bay. To their credit, they maintain a better human rights record than China– but they made a mistake by stealing that oil tanker. We’re not sure what’s stopping air strikes, but as soon as the top brass figure it out, you can kiss your precious pirates goodbye. Arrggh.”

"Gulf of Aden uniform."

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Hollywood Riot first reported on the surge in pirate activity back in April.

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