Hollywood Riot

Looks like California is continuing the “So, This is What Freedom Looks Like” campaign by legalizing same-sex unions. I guess they figured now that medicinal marijuana is legal and not a single baby has been eaten by a stoned mother, it’s safe to assume legalizing gay unions will not slippery slope marriage right off the globe either. People will not be allowed to marry just anything (no matter how much you love your goddamn iPhone).

Octogenarians Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin were the first, and hopefully oldest, couple to get legally married in San Francisco last week. Thanks to Cinemax, I pictured same-sex marriage being… sexier. Anyway, we wish them a happy honeymoon at Ensure® World Senior Fun Center in delightful (but not too delightful) Tampa Bay, Florida.

Ah, Phyllis and Del. You ancient temptresses. Your courtship has lasted 55 years and things sure aren’t slowing down now that you’re married. Keep it hot, ladies. I’m sure those hard-luck farmers in Iowa are going to be delighted to hear about your story of love and determination, which will in turn take their minds off of ruined crops and floating barns. You see, hope springs eternal in the heart of an Iowan corn farmer, so they say, as it does in the heart of every oppressed citizen. Your courage and longevity is no doubt an inspiration. That said…

Please, never kiss each other in public again. Ever.

Thanks and best of luck!!

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Many people are sticking close to home this summer, due to food riots, gas shortages, or just the normal lack of planning. These penny pinchers are also denying their children camping trips and swim lessons in lieu of “rising wheat prices” (whatever that means.) Who needs crap like precious memories and buoyancy? Studies show that most children prefer whole-wheat PB & J sandwiches to doggy paddling anyway (Study provided by the Wheat Council). With all this in mind, may the Riot suggest a few alternatives to the otherwise commonplace themes that define the Hot American Summer?

First of all, we need to conserve water. The Governator just declared a drought here in California. Some say water is the next oil. Drinking the stuff is OK, but leave swimming and bathing to creatures that have no other choice - like wild salmon and legendary Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Instead of Slip N Slide try Peel UR Hide. No water required! Just throw down a cheap plastic sheet and let the summer rays do the rest. After a few hours, an invisible layer of polymer soup should form on top. Don’t worry, it’s there. You’ll get just enough lubrication to make the trip, and the throbbing red welts you receive will offer a refreshing alternative to those cancer causing sunburns.

Secondly, don’t fall for a summer camp scam that will see your summer camp scamps truly disappointed. Look out for hidden costs and don’t believe everything you read in a glossy pamphlet. There’s no such thing as a “Kool-Aid Inflation Tax.” Just because the name of the camp is in the Algonquin language doesn’t make it noble or proud or even Native American. Most summer camps are owned by the Chinese, where “Arts & Crafts Time” is really a euphemism for “Hello Kitty and knock-off Gucci wallet-making time.”

The historically unpopular idea of summer school needs to be re-packaged as well. Summer provides just enough time to get sunburnt, complain about the heat, lose your keys at an amusement park, sweat profusely, and get sick of all the songs on the radio three times over. It’s really not that much fun, but compared to the drudgery of public school it feels like a true blessing. There’s no reason why we can’t combine the joys of summer with the thrill of education. Biology on the Beach, anyone? Kids need to know the difference between a jellyfish and a plastic bag, and both can be found in multitude on any American shoreline.

There you have it. Great ideas for a great summer. Enjoy!

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Let’s just say I’m not the world’s most frugal guy. When I buy something, I normally pay the sticker price and rarely barter. There are people out there who can instruct you on how to glean pennies off of every purchase, but that’s not my bag. I don’t use coupons at the grocery store, although I do always look for the Savings Club deals.** I merely want to get what I came in for, at the price I was expecting, and be on my way. Sometimes, companies will try and give you the ol’ screw job because they believe you are either too ignorant or too lilly-footed to challenge them. I don’t know about you, but I try very hard to be neither of those things. I don’t like seeing people being taken advantage of.

Recently, I had to buy a new cell phone. My old RAZR (and if you take anything away from this post, take this: don’t ever buy a RAZR) was disintegrating before my eyes. Just imagine the worst drive thru speaker you’ve ever encountered, then imagine trying to make complicated vacation plans with your deaf Aunt Heloise through it, then (just for fun) imagine doing all of that while standing on a trapeze wire with two trained chimps juggling bowling pins inches from your head. That is a close approximation of what it is like to use a brand new RAZR phone. I had mine for over four years. 

I start a new producing gig this week, which involves a lot of emailing and talking, so it was definitely time to upgrade. I know my service contract expires soon, but I had just read about an amazing offer on a Blackberry Curve and I decide the huge rebate justified signing another 2 years with the provider in question (as opposed to wasting a second more of my life thinking about this purchase.) Once I arrive at the phone store, find the right model, see that the price is the same as their online ad, check out some accessories, circle the store aimlessly, look at the exact same accessories again, and tie my shoes twice, the sales clerk is quick to help me out. He rings me up as we make small talk. I make sure to mention this new job and how handy the phone is going to be. He asks me what my new job is, and I tell him “Park Ranger.” He laughs, but it’s not authentic. I’m not sure he knows what a Park Ranger is. Anyway, the grand total comes out to be more than a hundred dollars over the advertised rebate price. I am sincerely taken aback so it’s not hard to Act Surprised. Then he explains that the special price is for new customer activations only. I remember the rules of my contract and point out that mine is up for expiration soon. He checks the computer and sees that my contract expires July 15th, so I’m close enough to qualify for a partial rebate of $30. Not good enough, I think, but his hands are tied. I joke around about the bullshit policy, and make sure he knows that I don’t think it’s his fault. I want this phone, but I can’t afford the inflated price tag. I ask for the manager. He seems to see where I’m going and heads off to fetch her. She was polite and gracious, but not really enthusiastic about honoring the special price. She even had me call the phone company from the store and explain the situation to HQ. I stayed cool. I could have threatened her with full on Verizon mutiny. I could have bellowed and brayed about my four years of customer loyalty, but no one gives a shit. Mister T. Mobile himself wouldn’t care, even if he did once exist, which he didn’t. There’s no big name to shame, but there is this manager. She is the one carbon-based sentient being standing between me and the thing that I came in for. I lay on a classic guilt trip and within five minutes she has customer care back on the line annotating my account. Needless to say, I did not leave that store until they honored the full rebate. The manager wasn’t thrilled at being held to a higher standard, but I had gotten what I came in for. Nothing more, nothing less. Which is why, after my latest foray into consumer advocacy, I decided to jot down a few of the tips that have helped me get the most correct bang for my buck. Perhaps they can help you too one day. 

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Tip #1- When in doubt, ask to speak with the manager. 

So you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you’re getting the short end of the stick from some teen sales clerk/register jockey. Here’s the deal with sales clerks: this job goes to the youngest, most irresponsible employee in the store. For some reason, letting them handle the money lends a sense of authority to their existence, but don’t let that fool you. These people have no real power. Under threat of firing (or worse, having to watch the training film again), they can’t override a damn thing. The one and only task they perform that is of any benefit to mankind is when they call the manager. Never, ever, get angry with the sales clerk or they might not go get the manager. End of game. If you can’t get the manager over to handle your problem, you’re better off just leaving the store. The manager is like this magical genie- he or she can make the impossible possible. You just have to rub them the right way.   

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Tip #2- Guilt trip. 

Believe it or not, most people still carry a modicum of pride for their job. This is especially true with managers, who have been there the longest and feel a sense of commitment and ownership. This is why laying on a guilt trip is so effective. In my case, the fact that I was starting a new job helped immensely. She could understand my predicament, being an important manager herself, so I made sure she knew just how bad it would be if I showed up Monday morning with my shitty RAZR in tow. She honestly felt bad, which honestly made me feel a tiny bit bad too. After all, I had enough cash on me to buy the phone at full price. Why, she might even get some heat for giving me the rebate. Push those thoughts aside! This is the most difficult step, especially if you’re Catholic (or, from what I hear, Jewish). You have to lay on the right amount of guilt, without feeling guilty yourself. Too much of a sob story and you come across as pathetic. You’re aiming for benign, yet empathetic, whining. You don’t want to lie (although if you’re OK with lying, then your consumer life should be a breeze), but it’s not evil to smudge the details. For example, saying “I’m really late for my nephew’s birthday” is probably not going to tug at the manager’s heartstrings. Definitely make the guilt trip about you. Bring it home, baby.  

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Tip #3- Act surprised. 

Many managers are trained to spot scam artists. Authenticity is key. You MUST act surprised, even if you saw an argument brewing. If your point is valid, it shouldn’t be too hard to feign surprise… especially when the salesperson/manager acts like a jerk. Either way, a convincingly shocked “Are you serious?” or “No way!” is usually enough. If you’ve been practicing in the mirror and can’t act for shit, try replacing a surprised look with a really glum, furrowed brow look. If you look semi-retarded the manager might feel bad for you. In fact, if you are wholesale retarded I bet you can easily combine Tips #2 and #3… just by being you. Zing! 

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Tip #4- Know your rules and regulations. 

Nothing kills a complaint faster than the small print. This is the handy paragraph written somewhere in 2 pt font that explains why you’re a sucker. In my case, the fact that you needed a new activation wasn’t clear or stated anywhere obvious. The fact that I knew my contract was up in two months gave me the necessary leverage to argue for the full rebate. When I say “know your rules,” the same should apply to the salesclerk… News Flash! … Most minimum wage clerks do not thoroughly read their training manual. If you walk in to the store with a firm grasp of the small print, you’ll be able to make heads spin. If everyone followed Tip #4, life would be awesome.  

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Tip #5- Never storm out.

Hey, this list isn’t foolproof. There is an element of luck and timing involved. Yet, no matter which way the discourse goes, it’s critical that you keep a cool head. Never give an employee a reason to deny your request. They believe they’re in the process of doing you a favor, and they’re only going to put out the effort if they like you. The old adage “The customer is always right” isn’t a de facto rule. A more accurate modernization might read “The customer is always a nimrod. Despite the bombastic threats spewing forth from his mouth, he will never move the issue beyond yelling at our 16-year-old trainee and storming out empty-handed.” Trust me, if all other options fail and you raise a big stink (which is very tempting), your savings mission is over. You sign your own death certificate with any kind of ultimatum. “I’ll gladly leave right now and go to Best Buy!” will be greeted with a “Go right ahead”. Corporations have no familiarity, and therefore it’s harder to trust their word and get a fair price. Managers can accomplish a lot, but at the end of the day they still don’t own T-Mobile. At the same time, they recognize businesses need customers and referral customers (unless you’re dealing with an utility company, then you can fuck off to hell if you don’t want to freeze all winter). Companies don’t survive for too long without making at least some customers happy, so next time step up to that sales counter and demand to get what you came in for! 

 **Hot Hollywood Riot Hint: I’ve never once signed up for a membership at Vons, Ralph’s, CVS etc. I just enter this telephone number, like the ’80s song: 867-5309. In Los Angeles, use area code (310). It really works. 

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Monday is Cinco de Mayo and I’d just like to give an early shout out: Vive Mexico! I love that country. Seriously. Where else can you get cheap beer, cheap prescriptions, great hospitality, and your name written on a grain of rice (all on one street corner)? Certainly not here.

But the best part about Mexico, in my opinion, is that they hate China. A lot.

They refuse to import Chinese goods. Hmmm… that’s an idea. I wonder why we haven’t thought of that? Oh, right, because protesting the Olympic torch relay is a much better way of sending a message. Uh-huh.

Mexico, unlike US, is proud. They view cheap-labor Chinese products as competition for cheap-labor products from their own country. And they’re right. Why would the Mexican government want Mexicans buying cheap shit from China when they could be buying cheap shit from Mexico? It just doesn’t make sense.

How serious are they about this policy? Well, Mexican officials recently banned a donation of shoes from a woman in Colorado because some of them were made in China. They don’t want that Chinese crap cluttering up their country. They’d rather have bobble-head turtles and horsehair blankets do the cluttering, thank you very much.

While I may not understand the boycott (I am American, after all), I do respect it. Mexico is apparently willing to sacrifice comfort and convenience for principle. Weird, right?

But is it smart or just plain loco?

These shoes were donations and supposed to go to a small village that desperately needs them. Keep in mind, these people don’t have any shoes — they’re basically walking around on hot coals all day. It’s not like the Mexican government is providing them with shoes made in Mexico. But, hey - no shoes are better than Chinese shoes (she says as she ties her Reeboks).

What do you think, dear reader? Chinese shoes or no shoes at all?

Speak your mind.

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What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Well, Shakespeare, looks like you’ve been trumped by the mullet… I mean, “Hockey Hair.” That’s the name Minnesota moms give the horrendous hairstyle they somehow convince their boys to don during the cold winter months of hockey season. The Star Tribune is reporting that these chill Northern folk even have contests to see who has the “best” rendition. The lucky winner this year? According to Hockey Moms Magazine (the absolute authority on mullet execution), it’s Brady Arneson, a 3-year-old who can’t even play hockey. That should tell you something right there: No kid in the history of the world has ever won anything that somebody older actually wanted. We suspect young Brady Arneson, even with his flaxen blonde back-locks, is no hair wunderkind. Either the pre-teen hockey players were too embarrassed to enter the contest, or Mrs. Arneson is the queen bee Hockey Mom. Think about it.

In the real world, do you honestly believe Charlie Bucket would have ended up with a billion dollar chocolate empire against the likes of Veruca Salt’s peanut manufacturing father? Talk about a business partnership made in heaven, right? Too bad Willy Wonka had the entire contest fixed while in a fit of cocoa intoxication, preventing anybody but the most honest at heart to win. This move ultimately destroyed what he had spent his entire life creating by handing the keys to his candy making secrets over to a lice-infested wharf rat of a child. Well, hair related competitions are no different. Either this contest was totally rigged, or there isn’t a single other male hockey player in the area with a decently cropped mullet… and we all know that isn’t the case. 

What’s the deal, Hockey Moms Magazine? Was this kid just the youngest contestant, and therefore the least likely to develop permanent psychological scars from the experience, or perhaps there is a bit of favoritism working on wee Brady’s side? After all, mullets are a family tradition. An older brother won the title back in 2005. His father’s mullet saved the lives of four men in Vietnam. His father’s father’s mullet killed Hitler. His father’s father’s father’s mullet was scalped by Indians. That’s some serious lineage. It’s apparent Hockey Moms Magazine is nothing but an elitist rag. You know, the Arneson clan doesn’t own a monopoly on bad hair. It’s hard to believe, but Hockey Hair isn’t even the most offensive cut out there. Why, there’s a relative smorgasbord of follicle follies to feast your eyes upon. It might be nice for little Brady to try a different ‘do. Perhaps the Simply Unforgettable mohawk, made famous by… what’s-his-name. Since little Brady is destined for the bright lights of La La Land, his own hockey mom might want to consider last season’s celebrity craze: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow (HTGT). Either way, if he intends on remaining a champ, Brady better improve on the old style somehow. The good Lord knows that by next year’s contest he’ll have stiff competition from Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby.

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