Hollywood Riot

What’s got six legs, spots, and “Sign of the Apocalypse” written all over it? This damned fawn.

Veterinarians agree that the fawn is not shitting out another fawn, despite that being exactly what this looks like. No, no, there’s a much more scientific explanation behind it: Jesus is soon to reappear on Earth. Hot magma will pour from every kitchen faucet in America. Bats will grow to ten times their normal size, becoming man-like crime fighters in the process. The Mexican Taco will go extinct, and along with it the chihuahua. Dick Cheney will retreat to the newly constructed Halliburton Moon Base 1, leaving behind his wife to be devoured by bears that he had previously purchased for that same purpose.

Make no mistake. This six-legged fawn… this Bambi-X… this mutant deer from Hell. It’s only the beginning.

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The (DN)A-Team is needed again! A certain little red berry from the savage lands of West Africa is enjoying a surge in popularity for its taste-bud twisting properties, and it’s time to take advantage of this phenomenon.

The “miracle fruit,” known in certain circles as Synsepalum dulcificum, contains a protein called miraculin. When you chomp down on the fruit, this miraculin binds with your taste buds and acts as a sweetness inducer when it comes in contact with acids. Basically, it makes the sour things taste sweet, and the sweet things taste unbearably disgusting. After sucking on a single berry for a minute, beer will taste like chocolate and lemons like candy. Chug a tall glass of vinegar and you’ll probably get very sick… but not before relishing in an imaginary bounty of the finest apple juice in all the world! A scientist who has studied the fruit, Linda Bartoshuk at the University of Florida’s Center for Smell and Taste, said she did not know of any dangers associated with eating miracle fruit. Of course, that all depends on what other bizarre foods you consume while taste tripping. Groups of the berry curious people gather and tweak their tongues, then proceed to dine on a wide assortment of revolting finger foods — like tabasco sauce and chicken feet — until the effects wear off or they pass out in a pool of their own vomit, whichever comes first.

UNSCRUPULOUS FRUIT

News of the miracle fruit has reached Homeland Security, where every potential enemy of the War on Drugs® is taken seriously. While the current strain of miracle fruit is limited in its psychoactive properties, the (DN)A-Team has recognized the potential to hybridize the plant and exponentially increase its power. Imagine a super miracle fruit that affects your subconscious mind and makes every thought as “sweet” as a basket of puppies. War would feel like a bright spring afternoon in a lover’s warm embrace. Suck on a (DN)A-Team Enhanced Miracle Fruit berry and, suddenly, drilling for oil in Alaska makes you weep tears of pure joy. Yes, news of this berry has indeed reached Homeland Security. It has reached the highest echelons of the U.S. government. It has already reached your local supermarket. It’s in that sandwich you’re holding. No, that’s not an amazingly sweet and tasty tomato. Subway® has never served anything that delicious. It’s a wiretapomato, and it will be monitoring your digestive track over the next few years. All the CIA has to do is spread a thin layer of miracle fruit jelly on the bread and they can stick any number of normally revolting items in between your cheese and hot meatballs: spy cams, spy bots, nanospycambots… mmmm, invasion of privacy…

END OF FOOD CRISIS?

Let’s consider a more politically correct application. These berries run $2 a pop, which is highly offensive until you imagine the collateral savings that will result from everything tasting awesome. Give your eight welfare kids a small chunk of miracle fruit and a slice of burnt rubber and voila, filet mignon for all. UNICEF and other helpful organizations are air dropping miracle fruit berries into Myanmar at the time of this report, in hopes the sweet savior will relieve the survivor’s of Cyclone Nagis from the grub-laden gruel they’ve been choking down over recent weeks. If the berry proves a hit in Burma, we can then export it to other devastated areas of the world. China is already the biggest importer of miracle fruit jelly, and orders have tripled since the tragic earthquake. Thanks to miracle fruit, hungry survivors are scarfing down the formerly unpalatable Chinese Emergency Food Rations (poisoned dog food mixed with sawdust).

Looks like this “miracle fruit” is finally earning that retardedly hyperbolic name.

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The group behind the Blue Bin and The Three R’s is at it again. In a new direction for the Recycling Union Coalition of the United States, hundreds of goats are being introduced into local recycling centers to do what goats do best- eat cans.

“We’ve known for years that goats consume aluminum in the wild- which explains why many choose to live on extreme rock outcroppings and steep mountain tops.” said Dr. Tucker Florentine, VP of Communications at R.U.C.U.S. “Goats seek aluminum deposits and, much like a horse to his salt block, will stand there and lick the mineral for hours at a time. Apparently, it plays a part in their horn development. The more aluminum a goat absorbs, the stronger their horns. Stronger horns give an evolutionary advantage both in mating and defense against predators.”

With aluminum being so sought after by goats, it was only a matter of time before R.U.C.U.S. contacted local petting zoos to test their theory. Several large specimens, of both Billy and Mountain variety, were presented with a large bale of crushed aluminum cans ready for traditional recycling. Would the goats take to aluminum cans as they do to natural aluminum deposits?

“Needless to say, the goats went crazy.” said Dr. Florentine, “I’ve researched feeding frenzy behavior in sharks and piranha, but I’ve never witnessed anything like this. Over the course of ten minutes, six goats consumed nearly 17,000 cans. It was messy, and three agency workers were bitten, one quite extensively. However, at the end there was hardly a scrap of aluminum left. Simply incredible.”

Could goats usher in a new golden age of recycling? At least for aluminum, the answer seems to be a resounding yes. It’s not a stretch to think the (DN)A-Team is somehow involved in all of this.

“We had nothing to do with those goddamn goats.” said Mr. DNA himself, “Eating aluminum cans? Are you serious? Everyone knows they only eat tin cans. These morons are going to kill millions of innocent goats who can’t tell the difference between a ferrous and non-ferrous metal. The Team has been busy working on these kick ass bacteria that can eat radioactive waste, but as soon as we’re done we’ll get to work on making sure these animals are able to digest every known iron alloy. Fucking humans, I swear.”

Mr. DNA then downloaded a startling image from the R.U.C.U.S. database that clearly shows they are moving forward with this progressive, if not completely understood, recycling program:

As always, Hollywood Riot will be on the scene to keep you informed of the latest developments. Or you can easily Subscribe to our Free Feed and let the news come to you.

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OK, Mother Nature. We need to have a chat. You’ve created some nice little monsters in we humans, and while the existence and everything is very much appreciated, we don’t always show respect to you and your other beasties. To be honest, we suck as stewards of the planet. News is out from the National Wildlife Federation, and it’s not good. Everything is dying off! I know how sad this makes you. Earth Day is coming up, and I want you to do me a favor. Start evolving some of our best animals before they go extinct. You know, give ‘em an edge. Don’t worry, Mom, you can do this! Remember, you invented the platypus.

Let’s Get Motivated!

The easy answer is to just get rid of humanity, but according to our friends at The Daily Galaxy, it appears you have other plans in store for us. Humans are evolving faster than we ever have before! Yes, there’s nothing a booming population needs more than a few additional genetic advantages. (Not that I want malaria.)

The system has to regain balance. We need real DNA solutions, Mom, to help the others catch up to us. For example, if a polar bear could see through ice, I bet he could catch seals easier. Stuff like that. Wait, seals are going extinct, too? Well, shit Mom, you best slap a pair of wings onto the backs of those blubbery Arctic treats. Evolve the seal a special “second stomach” which it can fill with helium, enough to make up for the hundreds of pounds of fat. If they can float/fly about fifteen feet off the ground, they might make it over the head of the hungry super bear. Hope- that’s all I’m talking about here.

The (DN)A-Team needs to strap up and get their asses in gear. Time is of the essence. We need mutations across the board. It’s either that, or you let all of your beautiful animals perish (again). Remember how bad you felt after the dinosaurs went extinct? You spent a lot of time on them. Don’t make the same mistake. Cheetahs are really fast, but they could also be invisible. Monarch butterflies travel great distances to mate, but millions of deaths could be avoided if they had the ability to migrate to the moon. Moon Monarchs. Done.

You know, you’re lucky you made me so damn intelligent. Go (DN)A-Team, GO!

UPDATE: The Daily Galaxy is reporting about a lizard species that has been observed in “hyper” evolution mode. Wow! Thank you Mother Nature and the (DN)A-Team. Keep it up!

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