Hollywood Riot

What’s that noise I hear? Is that Katie Holmes kicking herself really, really hard for choosing “Mad Money” over “The Dark Knight”? Yep, it’s gotta be.

The Queen of Bad Decisions, Katie Holmes woke up this morning to the news of a $155.4 million record-smashing weekend for The Dark Knight - the movie she “was just too busy to do.” Meanwhile, the ever-more-talented and savvy Maggie Gyllennhaal, who replaced Holmes in The Dark Knight as Rachel Dawes, woke up this morning with a golden perma-smile etched upon her face.

Ah well, Katie, what can you do? Who knew the 2nd Batman, what with Christian Bale, the late Heath Ledger, Gary Oldman and Michael Caine would make any money? I mean, when does anybody go see superhero movies these days? Nobody likes that type of thing, right? Look on the bright side, at least you have that guest spot coming up on Eli Stone or whatever. Cha-ching! Oh and that overpriced Broadway musical nobody’s buying tickets for. You’ve always got that.

Just because it’s fun, let’s make a list of all the terrible decisions Katie Holmes has made to date, shall we? If you look closely, you’ll see they all seem to stem from bad decision #1…

1. Marrying Tom “He Brings the Crazy” Cruise. There are so many things wrong with this decision, most notably, EVERYTHING. Katie, he’s a Scientologist! You don’t marry those guys - they believe your body is infested with dead space aliens from 75 million years ago!

2. (Because it’s worth repeating) Turning down a role in the biggest movie of all time. I hate to break it to you, Katie “Bad Call” Holmes, but Queen Latifah is no Heath Ledger. Batman Begins was your most successful movie ever - and you turned down the sequel?

3. Taking Scientology-sanctioned “vitamin bombs” (toxic-level doses of vitamins like niacin) to rid herself of “body thetans” (aka 75 million year old space alien spirits). Her hands turned purple from all the bombs for Christ’s sake! PURPLE - as in not the usual color of hands.

4. This haircut.

5. Letting Poppa Cruise use his own personal sonogram machine on her baby bump daily while pregnant. We’ve yet to see the damage this may have caused Suri, aka Little Xenu, but we’re sure it will surface eventually. Has she a tail perhaps?

6. Idolizing Victoria Beckham. Why so serious, crew-cut Kate? The only thing you should try and emulate in Posh Spice is her taste in men. Not the hairdos, not the refusal to eat, certainly not the constant stone-cold expressions.

7. Firing her longtime manager and allowing a Scientology handler to follow her around and ensure she doesn’t slip up. I’m sorry, but love is blind only up to a point. The last time anyone tried to “handle” me, they got two tickets to the gun show and a knuckle sandwich.

How ’bout a towel with that brainwash, Kate?

p.s. 155.4 million in 3 days.

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If I was going to see The Dark Knight premiere later tonight, which I am not, the first thing I notice when I get into line is how cool everybody is. That means I am cool, by proxy. They smell great, too. I feel good as a pay $122 for a large popcorn and a small box of Nerds. Three other stoned movie patrons in line agree with my choice of Nerds and they each buy a small box, too. Thankfully, my new Nerd “friends” and I find the correct number of seats right in the middle of the theater - rock star parking! Once again I notice how, even at 2:45AM, this Batman-infused audience is downright suave.

Sexy. All of us.

The lights go down. I feel those familiar goosebumps running up my arm. My limbs are excited. All nine of them. A woman behind us says “I hear Heath Ledger is amazing.” I quickly turn and look back at her, Nerds flying everywhere, and shout “Lady, you have no idea!”

The Joker has his grip on me already. My friends cheer. Somebody hands me a nacho.

And for the next two hours, and probably for the rest of my natural life (and I say ‘natural life’ because after seeing this film I now believe in an almighty God and the heaven above, it’s just that good), I will never look at another movie the same way.

Hollywood Riot’s Never Before Seen Pre-Review of The Dark Knight gives it the much-coveted Best Film of the Century platinum statuette. If that doesn’t call for IMAX, nothing does and that company is doomed. You won’t be disappointed. I sure won’t be! Whenever I go.

Probably some point next week. Who knows, I still haven’t seen Hancock. I heard it was a’ight.

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Recently, thousands of people had the misfortune of stumbling across a headline that read “Mini-Me Sex Tape Leaked.” Unable to turn away, many of them chose to watch the little drunk person and his model girlfriend get… it… on.

Sure he was cute in Austin Powers, but I don’t want to see him shagging anybody, baby. So instead I began to think about the many other people I’d rather watch a sex tape of.

Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example - that would be ridiculously hot, no doubt. Victoria and David Beckham would probably be steamy, too. I bet Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson look pretty good naked together. I’d even consider watching Madonna and Guy Ritchie do it beach-style like in that shitty movie they did together (no, the other one).

But it seems we never get to watch those kinds of people having sex. In the name of decency, here are some other high-profile couples who should never make a sex tape. Feel free to send in your own Please-Stay-Clothed power couples.

7. John and Cindy McCain

Shudder. Anything is possible with the power of Viagra, and we all know how Cindy likes to dope it up. The highlight of this sex tape would be McCain’s mid-fellatio Vietnam flashback, and that ain’t saying much.

6. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden

That’s the one she’s dating, right? Either way, I’ve seen more than enough of her and he’s just downright ugly. I’d rather watch the guy in the background hump Benji’s hat.

5. Bert and Ernie

Although it would resolve one of the longest standing rumors in TV history, this gay puppet skin flick would scar way too many children to be worthwhile. Of course, Sesame Street has been known for its liberal views on muppet relations…

4. Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell

They’re both classically beautiful humans, but also undeniably B-O-R-I-N-G. Get ready for Seven Minutes in Missionary Heaven! Even the idea of a sex tape is probably too exciting for these vanilla lovers.

3. Condi Rice and Karl Rove (via webcam)

We know, we know - who would want to bang either one of these two? Turns out, nobody! However, when Condi busts out her Washington Monument-style pleasure rod and dials up Rove for some “Shock and Awe,” it’s America that once again loses.

2. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil

This disturbing tape would involve lots of needles and feature plenty of “Wait, wait, it’s almost up!” proclamations from drug-addled Blake. It all ends with a trip to the ER and quickly becomes the most effective piece of anti-drug propaganda ever.

1. Tom Cruise and Xenu

Why not a Tom and Katie sex video, you ask? She signed a billion year contract and married one of the most brainwashed people on Earth, silly. Suri’s mom is way too busy clearing out those damn Body Thetans to get down with Tom these days, so he turns to his reliable Scientology alien overlord for satisfaction. Massive production value, professional lighting, high-definition video, pyrotechnics, John Woo directing and a nimble Guatemalan boy in a realistic rubber suit makes theirs the costliest sex tape in history. Which is why you only get to see it after reaching the Bat Shit Insane level of Scientology. Of course, that’s just a rumor…

Xenu calls Action!

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Looks like the War on Drugs is about as successful as the War in Iraq. Reports are coming in that the U.S. uses more cocaine than any other country in the world. (England wins for heroin thanks to Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss).

It’s not like this is shocking news - we use the most of everything. And we have the most money. Let’s face it, folks, cocaine ain’t cheap. Khazikstan and Ethiopia are automatically taken out of the running for that simple fact alone. Cocaine is the privileged man’s drug, the American man’s drug. The drug of Wall Street brokers and high-powered attorneys.

Some brainiac from the World Health Organization confirmed my suspicions in the above linked-to article, stating…

“The use of drugs seems to be a feature of more affluent countries,” said the WHO.

No kidding. Do you mean to suggest that people with no money have no money to buy drugs? Brilliant science, men. Brilliant.

Let’s take a look at the rest of the world and see how they’re faring, shall we?

TOKYO: Hell, Tokyo’s doing great. In fact, so few people bring drugs to the airport in Tokyo that custom officials have taken to planting drugs in traveler’s bags because there’s nothing else going on. Seriously.

AMSTERDAM: We all know about Amsterdam’s awesome drug laws, but did you know this? Dutch rates of drug use are lower than U.S. rates in every category. Amsterdam gives their people a little credit and has given up the lame ass-umption that marijuana is a “gateway drug.” Whatever that is.

IRAQ: If Iraq didn’t have a drug problem before, they do now. That’s right, drug abuse in this country has jumped 35% since the U.S. invaded. Why? Because we love drugs! All right! From an official document of some sort: Use of heroin and other hard drugs, virtually unknown in Iraq under Saddam Hussein’s regime, has increased dramatically since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. The fact that the entire country only has one drug-sniffing dog doesn’t help either. Plus, I don’t think anyone really gives a shit.

BURMA: This place is so looney toons that goldmine owners encourage their employees to smoke opium all day on the job. They even give them money to do so. You know, to keep them all “loyal” and shiz. To further encourage loyalty, they’ll chop off your head if you quit.

BRAZIL: Forget cocaine, vain Brazil just wants to look good. Mmm mmm, that’s right. Brazil’s deadliest drug cocktail comes in the form of diet pills. Those bitches gotta stay skinny somehow.

For more drug news, just head down the street. If you’re in America, you’re bound to run into some.

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Oh. Shit. For the first time in the history of mankind, the North Pole might be completely ice-free by the end of summer. That’s right - the NORTH POLE. Doesn’t get much colder than that. The problem is that about 70% of the stable, thick ice melted away last year. So this year, there’s only a thin layer of fresh ice covering the majority of the Arctic Ocean - which will probably all melt away again, and faster, this summer.

To help bring the point home (specifically Santa’s home), Hollywood Riot sent a remote unit up to the North Pole to see how the big guy was coping with the changes. Here’s the footage we got back, uncensored:

Chilling. Well, we wish it were more chilling… in fact, freezing… but that’s not the case, is it? The North Pole has melted.

And Santa Claus is dead.

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