Hollywood Riot

Looks like the War on Drugs is about as successful as the War in Iraq. Reports are coming in that the U.S. uses more cocaine than any other country in the world. (England wins for heroin thanks to Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss).

It’s not like this is shocking news - we use the most of everything. And we have the most money. Let’s face it, folks, cocaine ain’t cheap. Khazikstan and Ethiopia are automatically taken out of the running for that simple fact alone. Cocaine is the privileged man’s drug, the American man’s drug. The drug of Wall Street brokers and high-powered attorneys.

Some brainiac from the World Health Organization confirmed my suspicions in the above linked-to article, stating…

“The use of drugs seems to be a feature of more affluent countries,” said the WHO.

No kidding. Do you mean to suggest that people with no money have no money to buy drugs? Brilliant science, men. Brilliant.

Let’s take a look at the rest of the world and see how they’re faring, shall we?

TOKYO: Hell, Tokyo’s doing great. In fact, so few people bring drugs to the airport in Tokyo that custom officials have taken to planting drugs in traveler’s bags because there’s nothing else going on. Seriously.

AMSTERDAM: We all know about Amsterdam’s awesome drug laws, but did you know this? Dutch rates of drug use are lower than U.S. rates in every category. Amsterdam gives their people a little credit and has given up the lame ass-umption that marijuana is a “gateway drug.” Whatever that is.

IRAQ: If Iraq didn’t have a drug problem before, they do now. That’s right, drug abuse in this country has jumped 35% since the U.S. invaded. Why? Because we love drugs! All right! From an official document of some sort: Use of heroin and other hard drugs, virtually unknown in Iraq under Saddam Hussein’s regime, has increased dramatically since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. The fact that the entire country only has one drug-sniffing dog doesn’t help either. Plus, I don’t think anyone really gives a shit.

BURMA: This place is so looney toons that goldmine owners encourage their employees to smoke opium all day on the job. They even give them money to do so. You know, to keep them all “loyal” and shiz. To further encourage loyalty, they’ll chop off your head if you quit.

BRAZIL: Forget cocaine, vain Brazil just wants to look good. Mmm mmm, that’s right. Brazil’s deadliest drug cocktail comes in the form of diet pills. Those bitches gotta stay skinny somehow.

For more drug news, just head down the street. If you’re in America, you’re bound to run into some.

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Oh. Shit. For the first time in the history of mankind, the North Pole might be completely ice-free by the end of summer. That’s right - the NORTH POLE. Doesn’t get much colder than that. The problem is that about 70% of the stable, thick ice melted away last year. So this year, there’s only a thin layer of fresh ice covering the majority of the Arctic Ocean - which will probably all melt away again, and faster, this summer.

To help bring the point home (specifically Santa’s home), Hollywood Riot sent a remote unit up to the North Pole to see how the big guy was coping with the changes. Here’s the footage we got back, uncensored:

Chilling. Well, we wish it were more chilling… in fact, freezing… but that’s not the case, is it? The North Pole has melted.

And Santa Claus is dead.

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Snow Queen, the supposed “ice patch” that was uncovered by the Mars Phoenix Lander, is not ice at all. Upon further inspection, it appears to be part of the fossilized remains of a large, carnivorous creature. Radio spectrometry and X-ray magnification imaging from the Phoenix Lander has revealed the overall shape of the mystery object, which remains hidden under several inches of Martian soil - not to mention the Lander itself:

The shocking revelation was at first dismissed by every scientist at NASA (save for Dr. Melvin Monroe, a rather odd and tempestuous man). However, microscopic test results from the first scoop of Martian soil clearly show fragments that resemble the structure of fossilized bone here on Earth. We cornered the elusive Dr. Monroe for an explanation:

“Listen, we’re not sure what this is. Could be an anomaly, or it’s possible that contamination has occurred. Either way, it’s not a damn dinosaur so please shut up and get out of the men’s room.”

Whoa, did he say dinosaur?! Dr. Monroe let the sabertooth cat out of the bag with his statement from the stall, and he immediately - yet unsuccessfully - tried to backpedal.

“What I mean, is that it’s just an ice patch, of course. An ice patch that happens to look an awful lot like, well… the skull of a Tyrannosaur.”

Too late. I needed to know the truth. Several hours later, Dr. Monroe really wanted to get off the toilet so he told me everything. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true. Dinosaurs once roamed ancient Mars. Dr. Monroe’s interpretation goes something like this:

“Hundreds of millions of years ago, intelligent beings on Mars had built a thriving society. We would be surprised to learn how much we had in common with our “alien cousins.” These gentle and humble Martians, physically frail but mentally strong, loved to play games of all different types. Unfortunately, they were also plagued by endless wars and an unstable environment. Sound familiar? At the time, Earth was ruled by giant ferocious monsters… the dinosaurs. Many brave Martian explorers would travel to Earth for various reasons, but none chose to remain very long. The planet was simply too dangerous. In fact, the most severe punishment a Martian could receive was to be banished and given a one-way ticket to Earth. The majority of these criminals were eaten within hours. This gruesome judicial tradition went on for a million years, before a wise Martian leader decided the cost of sending each criminal to Earth would be better spent bringing a few of the Earth monsters back home to Mars. The subsequent missions to Earth were treacherous, and many Martian commandos died trying to retrieve eggs from the more protective predator mothers. Yet, succeed they did. The eggs hatched and the babies grew quickly in the rich Martian landscape. Crowds of thousands would gather to see the young dinosaurs and marvel at their alien features. When the dinosaurs had reached maturity, they were allowed to become executioners. Guilty murderers and traitors were tossed in to pits and pens with the beasts, never to be seen or heard from again.” 

As we all know, the Martian atmosphere eventually dried up and all life on the Red Planet was extinguished. Earth was going through its own brutal Ice Age, which prevented the mass migration of Martians and their families to our world. Millions of more years flowed by. Earth recovered, but Mars never did. Now, at last, we’re beginning to understand the fascinating history of our two sister planets. 

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Many people are sticking close to home this summer, due to food riots, gas shortages, or just the normal lack of planning. These penny pinchers are also denying their children camping trips and swim lessons in lieu of “rising wheat prices” (whatever that means.) Who needs crap like precious memories and buoyancy? Studies show that most children prefer whole-wheat PB & J sandwiches to doggy paddling anyway (Study provided by the Wheat Council). With all this in mind, may the Riot suggest a few alternatives to the otherwise commonplace themes that define the Hot American Summer?

First of all, we need to conserve water. The Governator just declared a drought here in California. Some say water is the next oil. Drinking the stuff is OK, but leave swimming and bathing to creatures that have no other choice - like wild salmon and legendary Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Instead of Slip N Slide try Peel UR Hide. No water required! Just throw down a cheap plastic sheet and let the summer rays do the rest. After a few hours, an invisible layer of polymer soup should form on top. Don’t worry, it’s there. You’ll get just enough lubrication to make the trip, and the throbbing red welts you receive will offer a refreshing alternative to those cancer causing sunburns.

Secondly, don’t fall for a summer camp scam that will see your summer camp scamps truly disappointed. Look out for hidden costs and don’t believe everything you read in a glossy pamphlet. There’s no such thing as a “Kool-Aid Inflation Tax.” Just because the name of the camp is in the Algonquin language doesn’t make it noble or proud or even Native American. Most summer camps are owned by the Chinese, where “Arts & Crafts Time” is really a euphemism for “Hello Kitty and knock-off Gucci wallet-making time.”

The historically unpopular idea of summer school needs to be re-packaged as well. Summer provides just enough time to get sunburnt, complain about the heat, lose your keys at an amusement park, sweat profusely, and get sick of all the songs on the radio three times over. It’s really not that much fun, but compared to the drudgery of public school it feels like a true blessing. There’s no reason why we can’t combine the joys of summer with the thrill of education. Biology on the Beach, anyone? Kids need to know the difference between a jellyfish and a plastic bag, and both can be found in multitude on any American shoreline.

There you have it. Great ideas for a great summer. Enjoy!

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Political opinion certainly isn’t a modern invention, but we do have a few new novel systems in place to deliver the stories. Newspapers, magazines, radio, TV, internet. The boom in 24 hour news coverage on channels like CNN, MSNBC, FOX News etc. is unprecedented. Most of the personalities on these shows are opinion-based, with a few facts thrown in for gravitas. It’s entertaining, but has it gotten out of hand or what? Take this current election season, and specifically the battle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The pundits had stayed on the fence, for the most part, until one night after Bumfuck Primary #42 when Tim Russert outright declared Obama the Democratic nominee:

First of all, this guy is taking himself way too seriously. Secondly, there’s something else going on here, an air of acceptance. “Oh, well, if Tim Russert said so… then it’s OK for me to think the same thing.” I don’t mean to single Russert out, but that clip gives me the shivers. And I’m not even a Hillary Clinton supporter. Welcome to 1984, children. That proclamation, and the subsequent snowball effect that made it safe for the media to start openly referring to Obama as the nominee, despite the fact that Rev. Wright might still hop out of the bushes and mow everyone down with his white rage, is almost scarier than wiretaps. Warrentless and warrented wiretaps, illegal or legal. Big governments have been doing that since the technology was invented and spying itself has been around for as long as we sneaky humans have. If you’re worried about snoops, play death metal really loud and communicate via carrier pigeon.

However, this brave new media world we live in has never occurred before. Information has traditionally been passed down slowly via stories and cultural performances and then eventually through the written word and then, much later, the printing press. Because the process of relaying information was so time consuming, people didn’t have the resources to expound on every point. Stories were boiled down to their essence. Nowadays, programmers and producers have the opposite problem. There isn’t enough hard news to fill a 24 hour cycle, but there is plenty of hot air to go around in the form of pundits. Stick one of these self-important windbags in front of a camera and they’ll easily give you an hour of whistlin’ Dixie. We have been conditioned to give credence to these “talking heads,” as we tend to think of these people as experts. Yet, most of them are just really loud.     

Not to mention WRONG. Oh-so-certain Tim Russert made his Obama declaration nearly a month ago, but Clinton still hasn’t dropped out. What an incredible underestimation of Hillary’s grit, her determination… her delusion. So why are these media pundits even on the cable? Why do we believe them? Remember, these are the same people who failed to get the word out about WMD’s and Iraq before the war. The information was there, but it wouldn’t have been very popular, especially to the cabal of rednecks in the Oval Office. Which appears to be the same reason Hillary Clinton voted to authorize the war in Iraq, and the same reason why she comes across as very un-Presidential today. Convictions are easy to throw out when you’re faking them to begin with. 

Let’s look at how France does it, as I believe they have an enviable system. Those nuclear powered, riot-lovin’ French get to watch Melissa Theuria every morning on the French equivalent of CNN, called LCI. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but for some reason I feel better about the world after watching her. Bill O’Reilly and his hideous mug make it easy to change channels, but Melissa is… hard… to… ignore. Great crepes, she’s the beautiful face of Big Brother that Orwell never saw coming! 

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