Hollywood Riot

Snow Queen, the supposed “ice patch” that was uncovered by the Mars Phoenix Lander, is not ice at all. Upon further inspection, it appears to be part of the fossilized remains of a large, carnivorous creature. Radio spectrometry and X-ray magnification imaging from the Phoenix Lander has revealed the overall shape of the mystery object, which remains hidden under several inches of Martian soil - not to mention the Lander itself:

The shocking revelation was at first dismissed by every scientist at NASA (save for Dr. Melvin Monroe, a rather odd and tempestuous man). However, microscopic test results from the first scoop of Martian soil clearly show fragments that resemble the structure of fossilized bone here on Earth. We cornered the elusive Dr. Monroe for an explanation:

“Listen, we’re not sure what this is. Could be an anomaly, or it’s possible that contamination has occurred. Either way, it’s not a damn dinosaur so please shut up and get out of the men’s room.”

Whoa, did he say dinosaur?! Dr. Monroe let the sabertooth cat out of the bag with his statement from the stall, and he immediately - yet unsuccessfully - tried to backpedal.

“What I mean, is that it’s just an ice patch, of course. An ice patch that happens to look an awful lot like, well… the skull of a Tyrannosaur.”

Too late. I needed to know the truth. Several hours later, Dr. Monroe really wanted to get off the toilet so he told me everything. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is true. Dinosaurs once roamed ancient Mars. Dr. Monroe’s interpretation goes something like this:

“Hundreds of millions of years ago, intelligent beings on Mars had built a thriving society. We would be surprised to learn how much we had in common with our “alien cousins.” These gentle and humble Martians, physically frail but mentally strong, loved to play games of all different types. Unfortunately, they were also plagued by endless wars and an unstable environment. Sound familiar? At the time, Earth was ruled by giant ferocious monsters… the dinosaurs. Many brave Martian explorers would travel to Earth for various reasons, but none chose to remain very long. The planet was simply too dangerous. In fact, the most severe punishment a Martian could receive was to be banished and given a one-way ticket to Earth. The majority of these criminals were eaten within hours. This gruesome judicial tradition went on for a million years, before a wise Martian leader decided the cost of sending each criminal to Earth would be better spent bringing a few of the Earth monsters back home to Mars. The subsequent missions to Earth were treacherous, and many Martian commandos died trying to retrieve eggs from the more protective predator mothers. Yet, succeed they did. The eggs hatched and the babies grew quickly in the rich Martian landscape. Crowds of thousands would gather to see the young dinosaurs and marvel at their alien features. When the dinosaurs had reached maturity, they were allowed to become executioners. Guilty murderers and traitors were tossed in to pits and pens with the beasts, never to be seen or heard from again.” 

As we all know, the Martian atmosphere eventually dried up and all life on the Red Planet was extinguished. Earth was going through its own brutal Ice Age, which prevented the mass migration of Martians and their families to our world. Millions of more years flowed by. Earth recovered, but Mars never did. Now, at last, we’re beginning to understand the fascinating history of our two sister planets. 

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Many people are sticking close to home this summer, due to food riots, gas shortages, or just the normal lack of planning. These penny pinchers are also denying their children camping trips and swim lessons in lieu of “rising wheat prices” (whatever that means.) Who needs crap like precious memories and buoyancy? Studies show that most children prefer whole-wheat PB & J sandwiches to doggy paddling anyway (Study provided by the Wheat Council). With all this in mind, may the Riot suggest a few alternatives to the otherwise commonplace themes that define the Hot American Summer?

First of all, we need to conserve water. The Governator just declared a drought here in California. Some say water is the next oil. Drinking the stuff is OK, but leave swimming and bathing to creatures that have no other choice - like wild salmon and legendary Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Instead of Slip N Slide try Peel UR Hide. No water required! Just throw down a cheap plastic sheet and let the summer rays do the rest. After a few hours, an invisible layer of polymer soup should form on top. Don’t worry, it’s there. You’ll get just enough lubrication to make the trip, and the throbbing red welts you receive will offer a refreshing alternative to those cancer causing sunburns.

Secondly, don’t fall for a summer camp scam that will see your summer camp scamps truly disappointed. Look out for hidden costs and don’t believe everything you read in a glossy pamphlet. There’s no such thing as a “Kool-Aid Inflation Tax.” Just because the name of the camp is in the Algonquin language doesn’t make it noble or proud or even Native American. Most summer camps are owned by the Chinese, where “Arts & Crafts Time” is really a euphemism for “Hello Kitty and knock-off Gucci wallet-making time.”

The historically unpopular idea of summer school needs to be re-packaged as well. Summer provides just enough time to get sunburnt, complain about the heat, lose your keys at an amusement park, sweat profusely, and get sick of all the songs on the radio three times over. It’s really not that much fun, but compared to the drudgery of public school it feels like a true blessing. There’s no reason why we can’t combine the joys of summer with the thrill of education. Biology on the Beach, anyone? Kids need to know the difference between a jellyfish and a plastic bag, and both can be found in multitude on any American shoreline.

There you have it. Great ideas for a great summer. Enjoy!

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Political opinion certainly isn’t a modern invention, but we do have a few new novel systems in place to deliver the stories. Newspapers, magazines, radio, TV, internet. The boom in 24 hour news coverage on channels like CNN, MSNBC, FOX News etc. is unprecedented. Most of the personalities on these shows are opinion-based, with a few facts thrown in for gravitas. It’s entertaining, but has it gotten out of hand or what? Take this current election season, and specifically the battle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The pundits had stayed on the fence, for the most part, until one night after Bumfuck Primary #42 when Tim Russert outright declared Obama the Democratic nominee:

First of all, this guy is taking himself way too seriously. Secondly, there’s something else going on here, an air of acceptance. “Oh, well, if Tim Russert said so… then it’s OK for me to think the same thing.” I don’t mean to single Russert out, but that clip gives me the shivers. And I’m not even a Hillary Clinton supporter. Welcome to 1984, children. That proclamation, and the subsequent snowball effect that made it safe for the media to start openly referring to Obama as the nominee, despite the fact that Rev. Wright might still hop out of the bushes and mow everyone down with his white rage, is almost scarier than wiretaps. Warrentless and warrented wiretaps, illegal or legal. Big governments have been doing that since the technology was invented and spying itself has been around for as long as we sneaky humans have. If you’re worried about snoops, play death metal really loud and communicate via carrier pigeon.

However, this brave new media world we live in has never occurred before. Information has traditionally been passed down slowly via stories and cultural performances and then eventually through the written word and then, much later, the printing press. Because the process of relaying information was so time consuming, people didn’t have the resources to expound on every point. Stories were boiled down to their essence. Nowadays, programmers and producers have the opposite problem. There isn’t enough hard news to fill a 24 hour cycle, but there is plenty of hot air to go around in the form of pundits. Stick one of these self-important windbags in front of a camera and they’ll easily give you an hour of whistlin’ Dixie. We have been conditioned to give credence to these “talking heads,” as we tend to think of these people as experts. Yet, most of them are just really loud.     

Not to mention WRONG. Oh-so-certain Tim Russert made his Obama declaration nearly a month ago, but Clinton still hasn’t dropped out. What an incredible underestimation of Hillary’s grit, her determination… her delusion. So why are these media pundits even on the cable? Why do we believe them? Remember, these are the same people who failed to get the word out about WMD’s and Iraq before the war. The information was there, but it wouldn’t have been very popular, especially to the cabal of rednecks in the Oval Office. Which appears to be the same reason Hillary Clinton voted to authorize the war in Iraq, and the same reason why she comes across as very un-Presidential today. Convictions are easy to throw out when you’re faking them to begin with. 

Let’s look at how France does it, as I believe they have an enviable system. Those nuclear powered, riot-lovin’ French get to watch Melissa Theuria every morning on the French equivalent of CNN, called LCI. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but for some reason I feel better about the world after watching her. Bill O’Reilly and his hideous mug make it easy to change channels, but Melissa is… hard… to… ignore. Great crepes, she’s the beautiful face of Big Brother that Orwell never saw coming! 

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

- Han Solo, Captain of the Millennium Falcon.

Han’s got a point. While the entire Star Wars saga revolves around the very idea that a hokey religion and an ancient weapon are, in fact, more than a match for a blaster, the Force isn’t very applicable in real life. At least, not in the original sense. Next time you’re pulled over, try waving your hands around in the cop’s face, whispering “You will let me go” like a drunk magician and see what happens. Seriously, do it. You never know, he might find it funny and choose to ignore the dead hooker in your backseat.

Using the Force would be bad ass, but the downside is you have to be a celibate monk in order to master it. With that said, you can stop being jealous of the following alien accomplishments as well:

X-Ray Vision  

Now that Lois had a full mastectomy at age 29, we can definitely argue that Supes’ X-Ray vision causes the cancer. We also know Superman is a giant perv who can’t keep his goddamn radioactive eyes off Ms. Lane’s ample human lady lumps. 

Teleportation

Would you have been the first patient to sign up for a trial run at Lasik eye surgery? How about teleportation? It looks great on Star Trek, but they never talk about the hundreds of lab chimps who were eviscerated while testing early prototypes. No, no, it’s all “Beam me up, Scotty!” and perfect molecular reorganization on TV. Well, imagine what it feels like to have your head beamed down to Venus and your torso beamed up to a Kuiper Belt object. Thanks, but I’m taking the stairs.

A Mother Ship

Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. While having a mother ship carries few advantages, it’s a giant bulls-eye target we humans find irresistible. Case in point: Independence Day. The invader’s mother ship was a quarter of the mass of the moon, and was used to launch dozens of fifteen mile-wide destroyer crafts to Earth. We’re not sure if it’s a case of underestimating your enemy or simply bad writing, but if that movie taught us anything it’s to always keep your mother ship’s sensitive computer components well-protected behind a hardy firewall. You know, just in case Jeff Goldblum is floating around with a Bluetooth-enabled Mac and a nasty virus. OK, it is simply bad writing. But still, give us shaved apes a little bit of credit and assume we’ve read The Art of War.

Telepathy

Space evolution rocks. Through the magic of telepathy, Mother Nature figured out a way for intelligent beings to communicate without the hassle of hand signals or saliva, but it’s not without costs. The whole mind control possibility alone gives ample food for thought. Why, you wouldn’t be able to trust your own brother, and that sucks. A set of vocal cords would be nice, that’s all I’m saying. I’m not expecting Mr. Martian to enunciate perfectly, but if they want to live in America then they should learn to speak English… at least as well as the aliens currently working at my local Jack in the Box.

Anything the Garbage Pail Kids can do

What, you didn’t know they came to Earth in a spacefaring garbage can? Did you miss the seminal 1987 film or the piles of trading cards or were you too busy collecting real things like stamps and butterflies to notice? Well, the GPK are disgusting alien children with names like Windy Winston and Bony Tony. They actually represent everything that was awesome about the 80s, but unless you’re four years old, the fantasy of an endless supply of fart powder and vomit juice is just not feasible. You’d piss off too many of your co-workers, for one.

Ah, forget your co-workers. We’ll let dirty Superman give the busty gals boob tumors and Scotty can beam the boss’ entrails to Sea World (Shamu loves intestines). The remaining co-workers go under mind control and you can then easily transform the company into a multinational conglomerate worth billions, puking and picking your nose the whole time. Hmm, these are great powers to have if you’re evil….

Just remember to protect your mother ship.

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot

The U.K. is coming clean about its unidentified flying past. This week, British authorities made public their version of “X-Files.” Any account of UFO sightings and/or abductions on U.K. territory since records of such things were taken seriously enough to write down are here. Some are crazy, others are downright creepy. This week, the Riot is going to examine a few files of interest. Among the most sensational is the Rendlesham Forest case.

According to the recently declassified documents:

“A report from Lt.Col Charles Halt on 13th January 1981 tells how on the night of December 27th security patrolmen spotted odd lights above the forest. They saw the lights plunge down and went to investigate. In the forest they found a triangular shaped object 9ft long by 6ft high hovering above the ground. The object had a pulsing red light on top with blue lights underneath.

According to the patrolmen a white light coming from the UFO illuminated the whole forest. The object suddenly took off and flew away. Other airmen on the base also saw the lights. Investigators studying the site where the craft landed found three depressions in a triangular shape. A radar reading spiked at each depression.”

The Rendlesham Forest incident is one of the best documented, most significant, and most credible military encounters with a UFO. Other strange lights in the sky were witnessed over the course of four days. Rendlesham Forest is a large pine forest near two NATO air bases, RAF Bentwaters and RAF Woodbridge. At the time, both bases were being leased to the U.S. Air Force.

Did the British cops run into a stealth bomber prototype, or did they see a real-deal space cruiser?

Draw your own conclusions, but I’ll leave you with this quote from one of the men who witnessed the craft:

Airman (later Sergeant) John Burroughs insisted ‘I do not now whether this was some kind of machine under intelligent control or a fantastic natural phenomenon - some rare kind of energy. What I do know is that it was nothing mundane. There are no words that can adequately describe the wonder of what we saw.”   

More Alien Week Posts:

The Vatican Greenlights Aliens

Share the Good Times at Hollywood Riot