Hollywood Riot

Recently, thousands of people had the misfortune of stumbling across a headline that read “Mini-Me Sex Tape Leaked.” Unable to turn away, many of them chose to watch the little drunk person and his model girlfriend get… it… on.

Sure he was cute in Austin Powers, but I don’t want to see him shagging anybody, baby. So instead I began to think about the many other people I’d rather watch a sex tape of.

Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example - that would be ridiculously hot, no doubt. Victoria and David Beckham would probably be steamy, too. I bet Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson look pretty good naked together. I’d even consider watching Madonna and Guy Ritchie do it beach-style like in that shitty movie they did together (no, the other one).

But it seems we never get to watch those kinds of people having sex. In the name of decency, here are some other high-profile couples who should never make a sex tape. Feel free to send in your own Please-Stay-Clothed power couples.

7. John and Cindy McCain

Shudder. Anything is possible with the power of Viagra, and we all know how Cindy likes to dope it up. The highlight of this sex tape would be McCain’s mid-fellatio Vietnam flashback, and that ain’t saying much.

6. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden

That’s the one she’s dating, right? Either way, I’ve seen more than enough of her and he’s just downright ugly. I’d rather watch the guy in the background hump Benji’s hat.

5. Bert and Ernie

Although it would resolve one of the longest standing rumors in TV history, this gay puppet skin flick would scar way too many children to be worthwhile. Of course, Sesame Street has been known for its liberal views on muppet relations…

4. Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell

They’re both classically beautiful humans, but also undeniably B-O-R-I-N-G. Get ready for Seven Minutes in Missionary Heaven! Even the idea of a sex tape is probably too exciting for these vanilla lovers.

3. Condi Rice and Karl Rove (via webcam)

We know, we know - who would want to bang either one of these two? Turns out, nobody! However, when Condi busts out her Washington Monument-style pleasure rod and dials up Rove for some “Shock and Awe,” it’s America that once again loses.

2. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil

This disturbing tape would involve lots of needles and feature plenty of “Wait, wait, it’s almost up!” proclamations from drug-addled Blake. It all ends with a trip to the ER and quickly becomes the most effective piece of anti-drug propaganda ever.

1. Tom Cruise and Xenu

Why not a Tom and Katie sex video, you ask? She signed a billion year contract and married one of the most brainwashed people on Earth, silly. Suri’s mom is way too busy clearing out those damn Body Thetans to get down with Tom these days, so he turns to his reliable Scientology alien overlord for satisfaction. Massive production value, professional lighting, high-definition video, pyrotechnics, John Woo directing and a nimble Guatemalan boy in a realistic rubber suit makes theirs the costliest sex tape in history. Which is why you only get to see it after reaching the Bat Shit Insane level of Scientology. Of course, that’s just a rumor…

Xenu calls Action!

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Looks like the War on Drugs is about as successful as the War in Iraq. Reports are coming in that the U.S. uses more cocaine than any other country in the world. (England wins for heroin thanks to Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss).

It’s not like this is shocking news - we use the most of everything. And we have the most money. Let’s face it, folks, cocaine ain’t cheap. Khazikstan and Ethiopia are automatically taken out of the running for that simple fact alone. Cocaine is the privileged man’s drug, the American man’s drug. The drug of Wall Street brokers and high-powered attorneys.

Some brainiac from the World Health Organization confirmed my suspicions in the above linked-to article, stating…

“The use of drugs seems to be a feature of more affluent countries,” said the WHO.

No kidding. Do you mean to suggest that people with no money have no money to buy drugs? Brilliant science, men. Brilliant.

Let’s take a look at the rest of the world and see how they’re faring, shall we?

TOKYO: Hell, Tokyo’s doing great. In fact, so few people bring drugs to the airport in Tokyo that custom officials have taken to planting drugs in traveler’s bags because there’s nothing else going on. Seriously.

AMSTERDAM: We all know about Amsterdam’s awesome drug laws, but did you know this? Dutch rates of drug use are lower than U.S. rates in every category. Amsterdam gives their people a little credit and has given up the lame ass-umption that marijuana is a “gateway drug.” Whatever that is.

IRAQ: If Iraq didn’t have a drug problem before, they do now. That’s right, drug abuse in this country has jumped 35% since the U.S. invaded. Why? Because we love drugs! All right! From an official document of some sort: Use of heroin and other hard drugs, virtually unknown in Iraq under Saddam Hussein’s regime, has increased dramatically since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. The fact that the entire country only has one drug-sniffing dog doesn’t help either. Plus, I don’t think anyone really gives a shit.

BURMA: This place is so looney toons that goldmine owners encourage their employees to smoke opium all day on the job. They even give them money to do so. You know, to keep them all “loyal” and shiz. To further encourage loyalty, they’ll chop off your head if you quit.

BRAZIL: Forget cocaine, vain Brazil just wants to look good. Mmm mmm, that’s right. Brazil’s deadliest drug cocktail comes in the form of diet pills. Those bitches gotta stay skinny somehow.

For more drug news, just head down the street. If you’re in America, you’re bound to run into some.

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Blame Jamie Lynn Spears, blame Juno, or blame the drinking water in Gloucester, Mass… it doesn’t really matter. Either way, 17 young girls (none older than 16 years old) became pregnant at the same time because they thought it would be “fun” to raise their babies together.

Um, maybe I missed something, but what the hell is fun about having a baby at 16? Let’s see - is it the sleepless nights? The dead-end future? The dead-beat dad? Trading homework, after-school sports, and underage drinking parties for shitty diapers and screaming babies?

It just doesn’t sound like the kind of fun 16 year-olds should be having (at least not on purpose, as part of a pact, with 17 of your stupid ass friends). I can’t believe these girls would just blindly follow each other into something so life changing. Didn’t their moms ever say to them “If your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you, too?” You’re supposed to say NO!

Now, a puppy pact - that would have been fun. Everybody knows a puppy pact is more fun than a baby pact (at least when you’re in 9th grade). Puppies are cuter than babies (sorry, but it’s true), much less work, and you can leave them in a crate if you feel like going out. Last time I checked, it was illegal to leave a baby in a crate, no matter how bad you want to go out (like to the Prom or whatever).

If any of you pre-teen girls out there are considering a pact similar to that of your moronic peers - don’t do it. Try a puppy pact instead. Why? Because puppies are awesome! Just ask Hannah Montana…

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Don’t elect this aging veto-happy idiot. He wants to veto every single beer!

“And their names are… Budweiser, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light, Heineken, Amstel Light, Corona, Stella Artois, Guinness,” he said. “I will veto every light beer, every ale, every amber, every porter, and every dark beer. I will veto Mexican beer, Norwegian beer, Canadian beer, and Belizean beer. I will veto every single last beer on the face of this planet and then I’ll veto some more beer. I’ll veto every single stinkin beer in every last bar, cooler, and refrigerator in the world. Muahahahaha! Veto, veto, veto, veto, beer, beer, beer, veto, beer, veto, beer, blah, blah… (pause) Wait, where am I?”

Hey McCain, keep your stupid Sharpie away from our beer!
Veto this, you old fogy.

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According to scientists, traveling all the way to Mars may be “stressful” and “cause unknown mental issues”. In more shocking news, Mars is really far away and landing there is really dangerous. To borrow a term from the 80’s… duh!

Members of “The Mars Society,” who may have a head start on the crazy anyway, are determined to make it to the “New World.” These people, all 7,000 of them, are researching ways to live and work on Mars. The only problem is, the voyagers might kill each other before they even get there…

The numbers of men and women, their ages and even cultural upbringings must be carefully calculated to try to prevent what could be potentially devastating cosmic quarrels. “You can’t just take a walk and get away from somebody,” Kanas said.

Nor will astronauts really be able to talk to anyone, either — at least not on Earth — mainly because of a 44-minute communication delay between the Blue and Red planets, “which means you can’t have a nice chat with your kids,” said Kanas. “You are so far away; you really are isolated.”

No shit. You’re going to Mars for crying out loud. If you wanted to have a “nice chat with your kids” you probably wouldn’t be going to Mars in the first place. But don’t worry, soon enough you’ll be having “nice chats” with all those angry voices in your head. “Kill them all, Samuel”… “Just open the hatch”… “You don’t need that air”… and so on.

If you’re thinking about taking a trip to Mars, you better be ready to go a little insane in the membrane. Remember Lisa Nowak, the crazy Discovery astronaut? She wore diapers all the way to Florida or some shit. She didn’t even go to Mars - she just went to the space station and look what happened to her… she wore diapers to Florida!

Losing visual contact with Earth will probably make you feel like you’re, well, out of this world! Astronauts and space pioneers be forewarned, traveling into the deep realms of outer space, searching for Martians, and attempting to land on a planet upon which you cannot breathe and don’t really belong, may stress you out a little bit. Just saying.

Let’s put this into perspective. People go to Iraq and come back nuttier than squirrel turds. Imagine what will happen when they start coming back from Mars? The human mind is a fragile thing. Expect a whole host of new mental issues when people start galavanting off to Mars.

And what if the toilet breaks again? That’s enough to send an edgy astronaut right off the pot, so to speak. Floating around in your own squirrel turds is enough to make the sanest man lose it completely.

I guess if these space pioneers do go crazy up there, we wouldn’t necessarily have to bring them home. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just send them to Youranus.

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