Hollywood Riot

According to scientists, traveling all the way to Mars may be “stressful” and “cause unknown mental issues”. In more shocking news, Mars is really far away and landing there is really dangerous. To borrow a term from the 80’s… duh!

Members of “The Mars Society,” who may have a head start on the crazy anyway, are determined to make it to the “New World.” These people, all 7,000 of them, are researching ways to live and work on Mars. The only problem is, the voyagers might kill each other before they even get there…

The numbers of men and women, their ages and even cultural upbringings must be carefully calculated to try to prevent what could be potentially devastating cosmic quarrels. “You can’t just take a walk and get away from somebody,” Kanas said.

Nor will astronauts really be able to talk to anyone, either — at least not on Earth — mainly because of a 44-minute communication delay between the Blue and Red planets, “which means you can’t have a nice chat with your kids,” said Kanas. “You are so far away; you really are isolated.”

No shit. You’re going to Mars for crying out loud. If you wanted to have a “nice chat with your kids” you probably wouldn’t be going to Mars in the first place. But don’t worry, soon enough you’ll be having “nice chats” with all those angry voices in your head. “Kill them all, Samuel”… “Just open the hatch”… “You don’t need that air”… and so on.

If you’re thinking about taking a trip to Mars, you better be ready to go a little insane in the membrane. Remember Lisa Nowak, the crazy Discovery astronaut? She wore diapers all the way to Florida or some shit. She didn’t even go to Mars - she just went to the space station and look what happened to her… she wore diapers to Florida!

Losing visual contact with Earth will probably make you feel like you’re, well, out of this world! Astronauts and space pioneers be forewarned, traveling into the deep realms of outer space, searching for Martians, and attempting to land on a planet upon which you cannot breathe and don’t really belong, may stress you out a little bit. Just saying.

Let’s put this into perspective. People go to Iraq and come back nuttier than squirrel turds. Imagine what will happen when they start coming back from Mars? The human mind is a fragile thing. Expect a whole host of new mental issues when people start galavanting off to Mars.

And what if the toilet breaks again? That’s enough to send an edgy astronaut right off the pot, so to speak. Floating around in your own squirrel turds is enough to make the sanest man lose it completely.

I guess if these space pioneers do go crazy up there, we wouldn’t necessarily have to bring them home. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just send them to Youranus.

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The (DN)A-Team is needed again! A certain little red berry from the savage lands of West Africa is enjoying a surge in popularity for its taste-bud twisting properties, and it’s time to take advantage of this phenomenon.

The “miracle fruit,” known in certain circles as Synsepalum dulcificum, contains a protein called miraculin. When you chomp down on the fruit, this miraculin binds with your taste buds and acts as a sweetness inducer when it comes in contact with acids. Basically, it makes the sour things taste sweet, and the sweet things taste unbearably disgusting. After sucking on a single berry for a minute, beer will taste like chocolate and lemons like candy. Chug a tall glass of vinegar and you’ll probably get very sick… but not before relishing in an imaginary bounty of the finest apple juice in all the world! A scientist who has studied the fruit, Linda Bartoshuk at the University of Florida’s Center for Smell and Taste, said she did not know of any dangers associated with eating miracle fruit. Of course, that all depends on what other bizarre foods you consume while taste tripping. Groups of the berry curious people gather and tweak their tongues, then proceed to dine on a wide assortment of revolting finger foods — like tabasco sauce and chicken feet — until the effects wear off or they pass out in a pool of their own vomit, whichever comes first.

UNSCRUPULOUS FRUIT

News of the miracle fruit has reached Homeland Security, where every potential enemy of the War on Drugs® is taken seriously. While the current strain of miracle fruit is limited in its psychoactive properties, the (DN)A-Team has recognized the potential to hybridize the plant and exponentially increase its power. Imagine a super miracle fruit that affects your subconscious mind and makes every thought as “sweet” as a basket of puppies. War would feel like a bright spring afternoon in a lover’s warm embrace. Suck on a (DN)A-Team Enhanced Miracle Fruit berry and, suddenly, drilling for oil in Alaska makes you weep tears of pure joy. Yes, news of this berry has indeed reached Homeland Security. It has reached the highest echelons of the U.S. government. It has already reached your local supermarket. It’s in that sandwich you’re holding. No, that’s not an amazingly sweet and tasty tomato. Subway® has never served anything that delicious. It’s a wiretapomato, and it will be monitoring your digestive track over the next few years. All the CIA has to do is spread a thin layer of miracle fruit jelly on the bread and they can stick any number of normally revolting items in between your cheese and hot meatballs: spy cams, spy bots, nanospycambots… mmmm, invasion of privacy…

END OF FOOD CRISIS?

Let’s consider a more politically correct application. These berries run $2 a pop, which is highly offensive until you imagine the collateral savings that will result from everything tasting awesome. Give your eight welfare kids a small chunk of miracle fruit and a slice of burnt rubber and voila, filet mignon for all. UNICEF and other helpful organizations are air dropping miracle fruit berries into Myanmar at the time of this report, in hopes the sweet savior will relieve the survivor’s of Cyclone Nagis from the grub-laden gruel they’ve been choking down over recent weeks. If the berry proves a hit in Burma, we can then export it to other devastated areas of the world. China is already the biggest importer of miracle fruit jelly, and orders have tripled since the tragic earthquake. Thanks to miracle fruit, hungry survivors are scarfing down the formerly unpalatable Chinese Emergency Food Rations (poisoned dog food mixed with sawdust).

Looks like this “miracle fruit” is finally earning that retardedly hyperbolic name.

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Last week, a rampaging donkey was placed in a Mexico jail until he calmed down. Now the Mexican Navy (who knew that existed?) is on the hunt for a giant killer fish that devoured two swimmers and injured a third. One local Mexican fisherman estimated the shark was “as big as a house.” We later confirmed he meant his house, which puts the size of this beast at between 15 and 20 feet.

The Mexican Navy ran into some serious trouble, and called on G.W. Bush and the CIA for help. The embarrassed Mexican Navy may have embellished the threat. The following video explains everything… in a way.

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I can’t decide whether to feel bad for this guy or laugh at him. Seriously, it’s just so sad. I mean, every little kid who has ever been to a birthday party knows you can’t let go of a helium balloon and expect it to stay put. It’s filled with helium for crying out loud.

French skydiver Michael Fournier was mortally embarrassed this morning as his high-altitude helium balloon - the one he was supposed to skydive out of in the stratosphere (the real stratosphere, not the ride in Vegas)- escaped the grasps of his obviously-retarded flight crew. I mean, didn’t he check these guys out before he handed his multi-million dollar space balloon over to them? Didn’t he make them read this?

Fournier was supposed to set a bunch of world records with his 40,000 km jump from the edge of space. He spent his life savings, sold all of his possessions, and spent the last 20 years preparing for this. But all he managed to do was watch the balloon float up, up, and away without him in it. He was supposed to be in it! At least he didn’t stake all his hopes and dreams on that little bitty space balloon. Oh wait, he did. Fournier has made the jump his life’s work at a cost of nearly $20 million.

It’s probably just as well. If anything went wrong up there, which it undoubtedly would have, his blood would have boiled for crying out loud. Let me repeat that - his blood would have boiled. Boiled, like soup, or some old guy’s ass.

Maybe the balloon’s escape was God’s way of saying, “Hey moron, you don’t belong up here. Stay on the ground where I putcha.”

Or like I said before, maybe his flight crew was just retarded.

Either way, Frenchy is pissed.

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Let me guess, he wrote his own speech?

Memorial Day is a sombre time of remembrance, especially while we wage two wars and lose young men and women almost every day. George W. Bush, the Commander in Chief responsible for the most costly military blunder in U.S. history, had these moving words to share with the grieving family members of fallen soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery:

“On this Memorial Day, I stand before you as the commander in chief and try to tell you how proud I am,” Bush told an audience of military figures, veterans and their families at Arlington National Cemetery. Of the men and women buried in the hallowed cemetery, he said, “They’re an awesome bunch of people and the United States is blessed to have such citizens.” 

That’s it? They’re… awesome? The brave men and women who have given their lives to this country deserve a better accolade than that. Are you the President of the United States of America or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? The scientists and engineers at NASA, who successfully touched down the Phoenix Mars Lander yesterday, are an awesome bunch of people. Maybe he just got confused and thought he was congratulating the scientists. Soldier and Scientist both start with S, after all. Wouldn’t surprise me. 

For a very moving Memorial Day story, check out this NPR story concerning Sgt. Merlin German, the “Miracle Man”. And thank you to all the soldiers and their families.

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