Hollywood Riot

Political opinion certainly isn’t a modern invention, but we do have a few new novel systems in place to deliver the stories. Newspapers, magazines, radio, TV, internet. The boom in 24 hour news coverage on channels like CNN, MSNBC, FOX News etc. is unprecedented. Most of the personalities on these shows are opinion-based, with a few facts thrown in for gravitas. It’s entertaining, but has it gotten out of hand or what? Take this current election season, and specifically the battle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The pundits had stayed on the fence, for the most part, until one night after Bumfuck Primary #42 when Tim Russert outright declared Obama the Democratic nominee:

First of all, this guy is taking himself way too seriously. Secondly, there’s something else going on here, an air of acceptance. “Oh, well, if Tim Russert said so… then it’s OK for me to think the same thing.” I don’t mean to single Russert out, but that clip gives me the shivers. And I’m not even a Hillary Clinton supporter. Welcome to 1984, children. That proclamation, and the subsequent snowball effect that made it safe for the media to start openly referring to Obama as the nominee, despite the fact that Rev. Wright might still hop out of the bushes and mow everyone down with his white rage, is almost scarier than wiretaps. Warrentless and warrented wiretaps, illegal or legal. Big governments have been doing that since the technology was invented and spying itself has been around for as long as we sneaky humans have. If you’re worried about snoops, play death metal really loud and communicate via carrier pigeon.

However, this brave new media world we live in has never occurred before. Information has traditionally been passed down slowly via stories and cultural performances and then eventually through the written word and then, much later, the printing press. Because the process of relaying information was so time consuming, people didn’t have the resources to expound on every point. Stories were boiled down to their essence. Nowadays, programmers and producers have the opposite problem. There isn’t enough hard news to fill a 24 hour cycle, but there is plenty of hot air to go around in the form of pundits. Stick one of these self-important windbags in front of a camera and they’ll easily give you an hour of whistlin’ Dixie. We have been conditioned to give credence to these “talking heads,” as we tend to think of these people as experts. Yet, most of them are just really loud.     

Not to mention WRONG. Oh-so-certain Tim Russert made his Obama declaration nearly a month ago, but Clinton still hasn’t dropped out. What an incredible underestimation of Hillary’s grit, her determination… her delusion. So why are these media pundits even on the cable? Why do we believe them? Remember, these are the same people who failed to get the word out about WMD’s and Iraq before the war. The information was there, but it wouldn’t have been very popular, especially to the cabal of rednecks in the Oval Office. Which appears to be the same reason Hillary Clinton voted to authorize the war in Iraq, and the same reason why she comes across as very un-Presidential today. Convictions are easy to throw out when you’re faking them to begin with. 

Let’s look at how France does it, as I believe they have an enviable system. Those nuclear powered, riot-lovin’ French get to watch Melissa Theuria every morning on the French equivalent of CNN, called LCI. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but for some reason I feel better about the world after watching her. Bill O’Reilly and his hideous mug make it easy to change channels, but Melissa is… hard… to… ignore. Great crepes, she’s the beautiful face of Big Brother that Orwell never saw coming! 

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Many people find it hard to believe that we’ve explored space more thoroughly than the deepest depths of our oceans, but it’s true. And there’s a pretty good reason for that (besides the fact the water pressure down there will snap you like a twig). Everything down there is so damn ugly. Ugly with a capital F.

Have you ever seen photos of deep-sea creatures? Stephen King couldn’t imagine scarier-looking life forms. For real… check it out. Here are a few bottom dwellers I’d rather not ever encounter. Ever. The last two even bear an uncanny resemblance to celebrities…

The Rattail. No, not that hideous looking strand of hair that used to hang down your brother’s back in the 80’s. Although that was ugly, the rattail fish is even worse. How’d you like to run into this thing in the swimming pool?

The Sabre Tooth. Guess what? Sabre Tooths are not extinct. They just live miles below the surface. And they have fluorescent blue eyeballs now.

Alien Fish. I don’t know if that’s this thing’s real name, but it’s fitting don’t you think? Original, no. Fitting, yes.

Cucumber Fish. Looks a little like Rocky from that Cher movie ‘Mask’. Remember that movie? These guys never see the light of day, and I bet Cher and her biker boyfriend are pissed about it.

Tentacle Fish. Hmmm. Delightful. What’s all that crap coming out of its body? Looks like Amy Winehouse after a night out with Pete Doherty. Like I said, it’s not pretty.

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It’s hard to imagine anything cooler than a real, live intergalactic space alien. Having said that, some aliens are definitely cooler than others. (Just like Hollywood Riot readers are way cooler than people who read TMZ or this website.)

Some aliens you’d want to invite to a BBQ and some you’d rather freeze for research. Here’s a list of the aliens I’d most like to split a bottle of tequila with. And no, you will not find Jar Jar Binks on this list.

10. ALF A.L.F. (Alien Life Form) was a saucy little guy. He resembled a puppet more than a space alien, but that just added to his charm. He was always getting into some kind of hilarious mischief. And he had more one-liners than Rodney Dangerfield.

9. Predator Alien vs Predator? Please. Everyone knows Predator is way cooler. Between the dreadlocks and that beaker of acid, this guy’s got it going on.

8. The Coneheads What could be better than an alien that looked and sounded like Dan Akroyd?

7. ET He may not be cool, per say, but he’s very sweet and he’s got a glowing finger that makes plants grow. Do you have a glowing finger that makes plants grow? I didn’t think so.

6. Thundercats Snarf, in particular, was very cool. Snaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrfffff! These aliens also had a surprisingly catchy theme song. Thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder CATS! It just wreaked of coolness.

5. Ewoks What’s not to love here? You can’t understand what they’re saying, but you don’t need to because you know they know what’s up. They’re cute like E.T but they can kick some major ass, too. Totally awesome.

4. The Electric Grandmother Okay, she was more of an android, but whatever. That bitch was cool. She poured orange juice out of her finger. Orange juice! Out of her finger! Totally rad.

3. Chewbacca Chewy is the man. Tough, but tender, this furry, foreign Bigfoot would be a total blast to hang with. Imagine walking into the bar with Chewbacca. It would have to be done in slow motion it would be so cool.

2. The Apes (Planet of the Apes) Are these guys cool? Hell yes. They’re just not very friendly. But you’ve gotta admit, we kind of deserve the cold shoulder.

1. Yoda Number one he is. I am not anticipating any argument here. Yoda is, and will always be, the absolute coolest alien of all time.

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All you Catholic UFO spotters out there, rejoice! The Vatican has just blessed us with more infinite wisdom. Oh, joyous day. Hallefreakinlujah. I love when one of those old, out-of-touch men give a speech. Especially when it’s about…

Wait for it… wait for it… aliens! That’s right - the Vatican is encouraging us to believe in, and love, our alien brothers! No, not illegal aliens - space aliens. As in outer space. For reals.

Finally, they’ve said something that makes sense!

Check out this quote (you can’t make this shit up):

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes says that such a notion (space aliens) “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures.

The interview was headlined “The extraterrestrial is my brother.” [WTF?] Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom.

“Like putting limits on God’s creative freedom?” I thought limits were the Vatican’s bag, baby. They do nothing but put limits on, well, everybody’s freedom. No sex, no birth control, no divorce, no lust, no greed, no coveting, no same-sex love… NO FUN.

I’m wondering, though, what would happen if these aliens turn out to be lusty drunks who use birth control, have abortions, eat meat on Friday, and are hopelessly vain? Will the Vatican still be singing their praises? What if our “Extraterrrestrial Brothers?” don’t eat Reeses Pieces or let us dress them up in doll clothes? What if they’d rather incinerate us than phone home? Or worse, what if they’re (gasp!) gay?

Oh right - the old “you’ll burn in hell” trick. Blah, blah, blah… I have a feeling if there are aliens out there, they’re smarter than to fall for that tired gag.

I guess we could just ask Pope Benedict XVI - I’m pretty sure he’s an alien himself. I mean, look at that bulbous head and those bulging eyes. Isn’t he like 145 years old? A human being could never live that long - it’s impossible. Impossible I say!

Let’s put an end to all this wondering, shall we? Let’s open the X Files. What do you think - are aliens good Catholics? Or will they be a disgrace to the Church? Will those kooky Vaticanians rue the day they invited aliens to the table?

I don’t know about you, but all this alien talk has me fired up for some interstellar action. Let’s let our UFO flags fly, people! Join the Riot this week as we explore reports of strange lights in the night, alien encounters, and anal popes probes. Basically, we’re gonna get all extraterrestrial on your ass. And maybe even in it.

Earth to Xenu…

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The group behind the Blue Bin and The Three R’s is at it again. In a new direction for the Recycling Union Coalition of the United States, hundreds of goats are being introduced into local recycling centers to do what goats do best- eat cans.

“We’ve known for years that goats consume aluminum in the wild- which explains why many choose to live on extreme rock outcroppings and steep mountain tops.” said Dr. Tucker Florentine, VP of Communications at R.U.C.U.S. “Goats seek aluminum deposits and, much like a horse to his salt block, will stand there and lick the mineral for hours at a time. Apparently, it plays a part in their horn development. The more aluminum a goat absorbs, the stronger their horns. Stronger horns give an evolutionary advantage both in mating and defense against predators.”

With aluminum being so sought after by goats, it was only a matter of time before R.U.C.U.S. contacted local petting zoos to test their theory. Several large specimens, of both Billy and Mountain variety, were presented with a large bale of crushed aluminum cans ready for traditional recycling. Would the goats take to aluminum cans as they do to natural aluminum deposits?

“Needless to say, the goats went crazy.” said Dr. Florentine, “I’ve researched feeding frenzy behavior in sharks and piranha, but I’ve never witnessed anything like this. Over the course of ten minutes, six goats consumed nearly 17,000 cans. It was messy, and three agency workers were bitten, one quite extensively. However, at the end there was hardly a scrap of aluminum left. Simply incredible.”

Could goats usher in a new golden age of recycling? At least for aluminum, the answer seems to be a resounding yes. It’s not a stretch to think the (DN)A-Team is somehow involved in all of this.

“We had nothing to do with those goddamn goats.” said Mr. DNA himself, “Eating aluminum cans? Are you serious? Everyone knows they only eat tin cans. These morons are going to kill millions of innocent goats who can’t tell the difference between a ferrous and non-ferrous metal. The Team has been busy working on these kick ass bacteria that can eat radioactive waste, but as soon as we’re done we’ll get to work on making sure these animals are able to digest every known iron alloy. Fucking humans, I swear.”

Mr. DNA then downloaded a startling image from the R.U.C.U.S. database that clearly shows they are moving forward with this progressive, if not completely understood, recycling program:

As always, Hollywood Riot will be on the scene to keep you informed of the latest developments. Or you can easily Subscribe to our Free Feed and let the news come to you.

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