Hollywood Riot

… but not in the way you think.

Snobby South Carolina (sorry friends of mine who live there) was so offended by this tourism poster that they’ve caused a huge stink (wouldn’t be the first time in history).

Now that’s what I call gay. Not gay as in homosexual, which is a-okay with me, but gay as in fucking stupid. (In my world, the word gay has three distinctly different meanings.) If South Carolina is so afraid to be called gay as in homosexual, then they are definitely gay as in fucking stupid. But don’t confuse South Carolina’s gay with the happy gay, because they are definitely not that. Those people don’t feel “gay” unless they’re refusing a group of people basic human rights.

South Carolina has always been gay as in stupid… gay like when they used to enslave black people. That was so fucking gay. Gay like the Ku Klux Klan and people who still display the confederate flag. South Carolina should be so lucky as to be called the other kind of gay (happy or homosexual).

To put this story in context, many other cities and states (albeit smarter, better educated, and more worldly cities and states) were included in this advertising campaign (Boston is so gay, etc.) and none of them had a negative reaction except good ol’ South Carolina. Here’s a great quote from your typical ignorant (gay) idiot from the Palmetto State…

“We’re so gay?” asked one baffled South Carolina resident when the story was put to him by a local television journalist. “Nah, wrong state. Go to California.”

So for now, don’t even think about calling South Carolina gay if you’re talking about same sex love and/or happiness of any kind. Those gun-totin’ a-holes might come after you with pitchforks and nooses.

But if you’d like to refer to South Carolina as gay, as in totally fucking stupid, ignorant, and idiotic (although Charleston is beautiful in the springtime), go right ahead. Cuz that there’s the truth.

And if you happen to be gay as in homosexual, I suggest a straight-up boycott of that cotton-pickin’ state. No matter how much fun you think a USC Gamecocks GayCocks game would be.

UPDATE: South Carolina has come up with a new slogan to replace “South Carolina is So Gay” on travel posters in London… wait for it…

South Carolina is SO FAT! That’s right, the fattest state in the Union (even though they don’t really want to be in the Union) has plenty of chicken-fried-everything to go around. Maybe that’s why they’re so grumpy!

Recently, thousands of people had the misfortune of stumbling across a headline that read “Mini-Me Sex Tape Leaked.” Unable to turn away, many of them chose to watch the little drunk person and his model girlfriend get… it… on.

Sure he was cute in Austin Powers, but I don’t want to see him shagging anybody, baby. So instead I began to think about the many other people I’d rather watch a sex tape of.

Like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example - that would be ridiculously hot, no doubt. Victoria and David Beckham would probably be steamy, too. I bet Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson look pretty good naked together. I’d even consider watching Madonna and Guy Ritchie do it beach-style like in that shitty movie they did together (no, the other one).

But it seems we never get to watch those kinds of people having sex. In the name of decency, here are some other high-profile couples who should never make a sex tape. Feel free to send in your own Please-Stay-Clothed power couples.

7. John and Cindy McCain

Shudder. Anything is possible with the power of Viagra, and we all know how Cindy likes to dope it up. The highlight of this sex tape would be McCain’s mid-fellatio Vietnam flashback, and that ain’t saying much.

6. Paris Hilton and Benji Madden

That’s the one she’s dating, right? Either way, I’ve seen more than enough of her and he’s just downright ugly. I’d rather watch the guy in the background hump Benji’s hat.

5. Bert and Ernie

Although it would resolve one of the longest standing rumors in TV history, this gay puppet skin flick would scar way too many children to be worthwhile. Of course, Sesame Street has been known for its liberal views on muppet relations…

4. Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell

They’re both classically beautiful humans, but also undeniably B-O-R-I-N-G. Get ready for Seven Minutes in Missionary Heaven! Even the idea of a sex tape is probably too exciting for these vanilla lovers.

3. Condi Rice and Karl Rove (via webcam)

We know, we know - who would want to bang either one of these two? Turns out, nobody! However, when Condi busts out her Washington Monument-style pleasure rod and dials up Rove for some “Shock and Awe,” it’s America that once again loses.

2. Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil

This disturbing tape would involve lots of needles and feature plenty of “Wait, wait, it’s almost up!” proclamations from drug-addled Blake. It all ends with a trip to the ER and quickly becomes the most effective piece of anti-drug propaganda ever.

1. Tom Cruise and Xenu

Why not a Tom and Katie sex video, you ask? She signed a billion year contract and married one of the most brainwashed people on Earth, silly. Suri’s mom is way too busy clearing out those damn Body Thetans to get down with Tom these days, so he turns to his reliable Scientology alien overlord for satisfaction. Massive production value, professional lighting, high-definition video, pyrotechnics, John Woo directing and a nimble Guatemalan boy in a realistic rubber suit makes theirs the costliest sex tape in history. Which is why you only get to see it after reaching the Bat Shit Insane level of Scientology. Of course, that’s just a rumor…

Xenu calls Action!

Looks like the War on Drugs is about as successful as the War in Iraq. Reports are coming in that the U.S. uses more cocaine than any other country in the world. (England wins for heroin thanks to Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss).

It’s not like this is shocking news - we use the most of everything. And we have the most money. Let’s face it, folks, cocaine ain’t cheap. Khazikstan and Ethiopia are automatically taken out of the running for that simple fact alone. Cocaine is the privileged man’s drug, the American man’s drug. The drug of Wall Street brokers and high-powered attorneys.

Some brainiac from the World Health Organization confirmed my suspicions in the above linked-to article, stating…

“The use of drugs seems to be a feature of more affluent countries,” said the WHO.

No kidding. Do you mean to suggest that people with no money have no money to buy drugs? Brilliant science, men. Brilliant.

Let’s take a look at the rest of the world and see how they’re faring, shall we?

TOKYO: Hell, Tokyo’s doing great. In fact, so few people bring drugs to the airport in Tokyo that custom officials have taken to planting drugs in traveler’s bags because there’s nothing else going on. Seriously.

AMSTERDAM: We all know about Amsterdam’s awesome drug laws, but did you know this? Dutch rates of drug use are lower than U.S. rates in every category. Amsterdam gives their people a little credit and has given up the lame ass-umption that marijuana is a “gateway drug.” Whatever that is.

IRAQ: If Iraq didn’t have a drug problem before, they do now. That’s right, drug abuse in this country has jumped 35% since the U.S. invaded. Why? Because we love drugs! All right! From an official document of some sort: Use of heroin and other hard drugs, virtually unknown in Iraq under Saddam Hussein’s regime, has increased dramatically since the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. The fact that the entire country only has one drug-sniffing dog doesn’t help either. Plus, I don’t think anyone really gives a shit.

BURMA: This place is so looney toons that goldmine owners encourage their employees to smoke opium all day on the job. They even give them money to do so. You know, to keep them all “loyal” and shiz. To further encourage loyalty, they’ll chop off your head if you quit.

BRAZIL: Forget cocaine, vain Brazil just wants to look good. Mmm mmm, that’s right. Brazil’s deadliest drug cocktail comes in the form of diet pills. Those bitches gotta stay skinny somehow.

For more drug news, just head down the street. If you’re in America, you’re bound to run into some.

Which Earth items will make it to Mars, and what should we call them?

Recent soil samples from Mars reveals a rich chemistry very similar to the dirt in your own backyard. Scientists even went so far as to say asparagus would grow especially well on the Red Planet. Now, one of the fun things about the future that we will probably miss out on is getting to re-name all the Earth stuff for Mars. Like humans do. England becomes New England, lorries become trucks and on and on. So I’d like to challenge all of you to think of a modern product/produce/utility/animal and re-name it for Mars.

For example: Since asparagus will be so common, that will definitely need a new name. Let’s brainstorm - sorry epileptics - Mars: The land of Asparagus. Asmarsagus. Marsparagus. Asparamarsgus…

Leave a comment below with your own Martian re-branding!

Oh. Shit. For the first time in the history of mankind, the North Pole might be completely ice-free by the end of summer. That’s right - the NORTH POLE. Doesn’t get much colder than that. The problem is that about 70% of the stable, thick ice melted away last year. So this year, there’s only a thin layer of fresh ice covering the majority of the Arctic Ocean - which will probably all melt away again, and faster, this summer.

To help bring the point home (specifically Santa’s home), Hollywood Riot sent a remote unit up to the North Pole to see how the big guy was coping with the changes. Here’s the footage we got back, uncensored:

Chilling. Well, we wish it were more chilling… in fact, freezing… but that’s not the case, is it? The North Pole has melted.

And Santa Claus is dead.